Amy Schumer: The Leather Special Page #4

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anything good or fancy that happens,

I get brought down to Earth right quick.

Anything.

Like, our TV show won a Peabody Award,

which I didn't even know what that was.

Very high, very fancy.

It's for people in media

making a difference. It's a big deal.

And the other people there

were people like the Ebola fighters,

and Malala,

and our show,

and...

so, we go, and we're like,

"Okay. Thank you for including us."

And at the beginning of the awards,

they showed a little clip

of each person's project.

And you don't know

what they're gonna choose.

And so, first, they show a clip

of the Ebola fighters in the suits,

this documentary where they go in

and they're saving lives,

the bravest people in the word.

And then Malala.

Like, Malala-ing, you know?

And then...

they show a clip of our show.

We're like, "What are they gonna choose?

We've done so much for so many."

The clip they chose was me

taking a giant bite out of a burger,

going, "I'm gonna go make some room,"

and walking to the toilet.

It was Malala being fitted

for a glass eye.

And then me like, "I'm gonna take

a violent dump. You guys good?"

The July that Trainwreck came out,

two girls named Mayci Breaux

and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed

at the movie theater

when they went to see my movie.

And the feeling of putting something out

and being excited,

and then finding out that

these two beautiful, amazing, smart women

who just wanted to have a good time,

went and got murdered

was crushing and...

Yeah, and I just wanted

to do something about it.

I knew nothing about gun violence,

and I found out that the guy who shot them

was severely mentally ill

and a domestic abuser.

And I was like, "Well, okay.

Why could he get a gun?"

I wasn't educated. But I found out

that if you are severely mentally ill

or have been convicted

of domestic violence,

there are loopholes

where it's not that hard to get a firearm.

And I was like, "Well, I really want

to help make it more difficult

for people who are severely mentally ill

or domestic abusers--"

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I believe in the right to bear arms.

Second Amendment, yes.

I've been friends with gun owners.

But what I learned was,

no matter what you say,

as soon as you say the word "gun,"

what gun nuts hear is just,

"You want to take all our guns!

That shifty G wants our guns!"

I'm like, "No, you seem great.

You should get more guns."

Let's get this guy more guns, right?

"Our Amendment!"

You're like, "Okay, okay."

"The government wants my house!"

I'm like, "You don't have a house.

You live in a trailer with no windows.

What are you talking about?"

And then I found out--

and you guys probably already know this--

that if you're

on the terrorist watch list--

like, not just the no-fly list,

but the straight-up terrorist watch list--

you can easily get a gun.

And so, that same guy is like,

"Get out of our country, foreigner!

But while you're here, please,

enjoy our firearms legally."

If you're blind--

If you're blind as a f***ing bat,

you can walk into a gun store,

hopefully.

There's more gun stores than Starbucks

and McDonald's combined in our country,

so your chances are good.

You walk in,

and you go, "I want a gun!"

And they go, "We're over here."

Then you go, "Oh, okay."

"I'll take it."

And they go, "That's the phone."

You go, "Oh. Well..."

Like, all about equal rights

for the disabled,

but if Stevie Wonder calls me

and he's like,

"You want to go shooting today?"

I'm gonna be like, "Hard pass."

The thing you look through to aim

is called a "sight!"

But you don't need that.

They get a gun.

So I'm like, "Okay. I would love it--

Can we just work on not giving guns

to mentally ill terrorists

who are blind and beat their wives?"

"What?!

What's next?

You want us to f*** animals?"

I'm like, "I've been f***ing animals

my whole life, sir."

And you know what?

I totally hear you guys.

You're like, "Schumer, you were talking

about come all over your tits.

Now we have to listen to this sh*t?"

But what's crazy is that you can catch

a hot load all over your titties

and still not want your loved ones

to get shot in a theater.

[cheers and applause]

You know what?

I don't know if you guys noticed,

but I am what Hollywood calls "very fat."

No, you guys know. You know me.

I feel very good in my own skin.

I feel strong. I feel healthy.

[cheers and applause]

I do. I feel sexy.

Also, like, my dad has MS

and is in a wheelchair.

And it's, like, I'm just so psyched

I can f***ing move.

I'm just like, "F*** you."

How are you gonna complain?

[mutters] How do I get rid--"

Shut the f*** up!

You're alive.

You can move and we feel good.

And, you know, I bought into it,

because when I was doing

my first movie, Trainwreck,

before I did anything,

somebody explained to me,

they were like, "Just so you know, Amy,

no pressure.

But if you weigh over 140 pounds,

it will hurt people's eyes."

And I was like... [groans]

I just bought it.

I was like, "Okay, I'm new to town."

And so, I lost weight,

and I think you should feel healthy

and take care of yourself.

But I don't believe in, like,

crash dieting or starving yourself.

Like, get the f*** out of here.

No. Let's just, you know--

It's just not right.

Yeah, so, thank God

I look very stupid skinny.

My dumb head stays the same size.

But then my body shrivels,

and I just look like a Thanksgiving

parade float of Tonya Harding.

I'm just like, "Hi!"

Nobody likes it. It's not cute on me.

So, I, like, gained all this weight back.

I just revenge-ate as soon

as the movie was over.

I was just, "I couldn't have pizza.

I couldn't have--"

Like, everything. And I got worried,

because it gets in your head,

just everything on television and movies

and magazines and the Internet.

All the women are just beautiful,

like, little skeletons with tits,

and you're just, like--

All day I'm looking at the Hadid sisters

and, like, those Jenner things,

and you're just, like...

And I got worried. I gained weight.

I'm like, "Oh, my God.

Are men gonna still be attracted to me?"

And that's when I remembered--

I always forget this--

it's another reason I love men so much.

Men, each day, have a thought

that goes through their head

where they're, like...

"I don't know why, but I want to put

my penis right in your butthole."

A couple times a day, someone walks by.

"Huh."

You know, just...

They're like, "Look,

it doesn't make sense to me, either,

but I know for a fact

I want to take the most sensitive,

intimate part of myself

and just, like, ram it right

where you poop. Just, like, ram it!"

[grunting]

They're thinking that,

and I'm over here like,

"Oh, should I get highlights?"

Like...

He doesn't care!

He doesn't care.

"Honey, do you like my new nail color?

It's ballet slipper."

"I would f*** you if your head

was a ballet slipper.

I don't care."

We work so hard,

and they don't f***ing care.

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