An Adventure in Space and Time Page #2

Outer space. Time travel.

In the first script,

they go back to the Stone Age.

You'll need all

the help you can get.

So, Rex is going to act

as a sort of mentor to you.

A ship can't have two captains.

- Dear lady... - Please

don't call me that. - Sorry.

And what about you, Mervyn?

What's your function?

I'm to be your sort of

technical boffin.

Help you through

the mire of all this.

Sydney obviously thinks he's got

the right person for the job.

That's what he wants for

Doctor Who.

Someone with piss

and vinegar in their veins.

- Did he say that?

- He's very blunt.

Yes.

Look, all I'm saying is, dear la...

Verity. All I'm saying is that

experience is not a dirty word.

Don't fight us.

Perhaps you could add a few drops

of warm beer in with your...

- Piss and...

- Mixture. Just for the time being.

Well. We'd better clear out,

we'll have the news team in here.

That's clever.

So they don't have to look down

at their words all the time.

Yes. Quite a wheeze.

Someone'll make a fortune

out of that.

- I suppose so. Shame I didn't get to

the patent office faster. - Why?

I invented it!

Well, have a look at it, Bill.

It certainly sounds different.

And it's an old man part, you know.

Is it?

Yeah! It's like This Sporting Life.

Well, I love playing older!

I know.

Well? What next?

He's going to set up a meeting. He

sounded ever so upbeat on the phone.

He says it's a smashing role.

For the BBC.

Yeah, yeah...

and it's for kiddies!

Come on, Stumpy!

Off to Madame Bovary.

Well, I'm sure he'll be

happier away from us.

- Any news from the design department?

- They're not being very helpful, I'm afraid.

What is this?!

What're we going to do with this?

Stone Age Man going, "Ug"!

It's crazy!

Cavemen and doctors and

disappearing bloody police boxes!

- What're we going to do?

- Waris Hussein. Our director.

- Verity.

- Hi.

What have you just been working on?

Er, Compact.

Oh. High art indeed.

Shut up.

Don't people say "Ug" in Compact?

Frequently.

Mostly after a liquid lunch.

The cavemen script is the only

one ready to go.

We have to start with it.

Right, and where are we shooting?

Lime Grove. Studio D.

Oh, God, not there!

We can't do anything there.

It's a broom cupboard.

It's smaller on the inside.

It's the wrong shape and the

sprinklers go off when it gets hot.

Well, you'll make it brilliantly,

won't you?

Oh. I see. Simple as that.

It'll never work.

When do we start?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, sir? Gin and tonic...

Vodka and tonic

and a red wine, please.

Sorry, love, I'm serving...

Vodka and tonic

and a red wine, please.

Vodka tonic, red wine.

Thank you.

I'd have been stood here all night.

"We are all strangers

in a strange land. "

Very profound.

Isn't it? You'll find

I'm generally pretty profound.

- I wish I had your front.

- I wish I had your behind.

- Shh! Like a little peach.

- Shut up!

Don't be fooled, Waris.

That's all it is.

Front.

Inside, I'm shaking like a leaf.

I'm here by the skin

of my bloody teeth.

First Indian director

this place has ever had.

So, we've got to stick together,

haven't we?

Make our little show work.

That'll teach them.

Who? The old guard.

This - sea of fag smoke,

tweed and sweaty men.

Not that I'm knocking sweaty men.

I should hope not.

Listen, I overheard a couple of old

horrors standing by the tea urn.

They said, "Well, she didn't get

here standing up, did she?"

Sydney's bit of fluff, am I?

Well, that seems to be

the impression.

How else could you get

a promotion like this?

A promotion like what?

I'm trying to recreate

the Stone Age with Airfix glue

and bloody BacoFoil!

We're trying to.

Yes. Sorry.

Here's to us. The posh wog!

And the pushy Jewish bird!

- L'chaim!

- Cheers.

- We could have our own series!

- We do!

I don't want any of this muck,

thanks very much. I'll have a drink.

Right.

You the director, son?

Yes.

Hardly out of the cradle,

the pair of you.

Right. Let's talk turkey.

- I'm not sure about this. Not sure at all.

- No?

Apart from anything else, I don't

want to take on another long run.

Had enough of that on

The Army Game. Nearly killed me.

Weekly bloody rep!

Would you like to order drinks?

Whiskey and soda.

Chopee, chopee.

Whose idea was all this?

That fella from ITV?

Sydney Newman, yes.

But so many people have been at the birth

of the thing, we'd be here all day...

Tell me about the characters.

Two school teachers.

Ian and Barbara. They're intrigued

about one of their pupils.

A young girl called Susan.

She seems to have impossible

knowledge for a girl from 1963.

So the schoolteachers follow her

home. But "home" is a junkyard...

Yes, yes, yes. Scripts.

I need to see scripts.

Oh, they're going wonderfully.

Wonderfully!

The BBC are really excited about

the show. They're throwing...

everything at it.

State of the art facilities.

How do they get about?

Flying saucer or something?

Ours is a space and time machine

that can blend in with its background.

You mean it's covered in

invisible paint or something?

No, no...

it adapts to suit its environment.

It gets stuck in one shape.

A police box. A police box?

How gorgeous would that be?

An ordinary 20th-century object

on the surface of an alien planet!

Fantastic!

- And the opening titles are like

nothing you've ever seen. - Yes.

You see, if you point

a camera down its own monitor,

it creates the most wonderful

shapes, patterns...

Like mirrors, endlessly reflecting.

Swooping and pulsing,

like butterfly wings.

Maybe I could be in them?

Just pop in front of the camera

would you, Tony?

Let's see how that looks.

Oh, Christ, no! That's terrifying!

.. and wait till you hear the music,

we're using the latest technology.

How did you do it?

Brian's house keys.

And what about the Doctor himself?

He's something like 600 years old.

Looks like a senile old man

but he's tough.

Tough and wiry like an old turkey.

It's what you do so well,

Mr Hartnell. Stern and scary...

- but with a twinkle.

- Trust me, Bill. You're perfect for it.

No-one will be able to resist you.

You really think so?

CS Lewis meets HG Wells

meets Father Christmas.

That's the Doctor.

Doctor who, hmm?

Come on, big smiles!

And again.

Come on, big smiles.

Cheers! Lovely.

Come on, one more.

Lovely stuff. That's it!

You're a brick for doing this.

Contractually obliged, darling.

No, no! I mean the show.

You'll all give it such gravitas.

Thank you.

So, what do you make of him?

Oh, I've always been a fan.

Wonderful screen actor.

He frightens the life out of me.

I think he's sweet. Bless him.

Bless him?

He's not as old as he looks.

Must've had a tough life.

Are you okay?

Scared to death! Me too.

How about one of just

the three of you then?

Oh, well. Goodbye, real world!

One more.

Patience.

I have the patience of a saint.

But it's wearing very thin!

We need the inside of the TARDIS

right now!

I'm busy.

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