An American Carol

[Man] 1, 2, 3...

[ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama]

[Children laughing and shouting]

[Kids] Hi, Grandpa!

Hey!

- Ahh!

- [Girl] Grandpa, over here!

Oh!

- Hey, hey, hey!

- [Kids] Grandpa!

Everybody now, happy Fourth of July!

Thanks, Grandpa!

That's it, go ahead, kids.

Dig in. I made 'em myself.

- Bleh!

- Blech!

[Grandpa] Pretty good.

How's that taste there, Timmy?

Uh, I'm not really hungry right now.

Why don't you tell us a story?

- Yeah! One of your great stories!

- Yeah, one of your stories!

All right, how about the one

that you kids always love?

- The, uh... the story of Scrooge.

- Scrooge?!

- The guy who hated Christmas?

- That's dumb.

Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge

hated the Fourth of July.

Why does he hate the Fourth of July?

Well, uh, the story begins

high on a mountaintop,

far away in Afghanistan.

[Arabic music playing]

- Mohammed?

- [All] Yes, sir?

Quiet! Calm down!

- They're all named Mohammed, sir.

- Yes, of course.

I must remember to use last names.

- Hussein!

- [All] Yes, sir?

For God's sake, you!

- [Aziz] Is that your brother?

- Hussein?

Why is he voting?

It's not his fault.

He is the campaign manager.

- What? For who?

- Mohammed Hussein.

- [All] Yes, sir!

- Quiet!

All right, everyone.

Well, who's going to be the first?

I am.

Ah, very good. Very good.

And what is your name, young man?

- Mu...

- Forget it. Mount up.

- Allahu Akbar.

- What exactly did I volunteer for?

Messenger duty.

Excellent pay.

But, sir, this bicycle...

- What's wrong?

- Well, it's kind of rickety.

I don't know if it can

get back up the hill.

I wouldn't worry about that.

- Maybe if I take some bombs off...

- No, no, no.

- It is a part of the uniform.

- Ah.

[Brake handles squeaking]

And it doesn't seem

to have any brakes.

It's OK.

Allah will stop you.

Of course.

Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh!

Jesus!

You! Go get him.

- [Moaning]

- I found the problem, sir!

This idiot forgot to pull the firing...

[Ahmed] Don't you see?

We have at least destroyed

an infidel's car.

That was my car.

[Aziz] What's going on here?

Huh? What are you people doing?

Why are you voting

in this infidel election?

Because we want democracy,

freedom, elect a president

who will be accountable.

Enough! Mohammed, take care of him!

Mohammed, what in the name

of Allah are you doing?

I'm not voting for president. But I feel

strongly about Proposition 12.

A marriage should be

between a man and a woman.

Or between a man

and a really good-looking man.

- Shut up.

- This is what you vote for?

That and immigration.

We need a guest worker program

so that the Mexicans can do the job

the Taliban won't.

[Mariachi music blaring on radio]

These Western ideas are dangerous.

We must resist them at every turn.

Leader, we're not strong anymore.

Since the Americans came,

people have hope.

- They are voting, woman own businesses.

- Yes, it is getting harder

to find suicide bombers,

and all the good ones are gone.

Sir, I think we might need

a new recruitment video.

Look, ours...

it looks, you know, cheap.

[Announcer] This video will teach you.

Here are Ahmed and Ahman.

They may be brothers,

but they couldn't be more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality is important.

He's sure to leave plenty of time

to get to his bombing site.

[Ahmed screaming, indistinct]

[Announcer] Ahman leaves

everything to the last minute.

[Ahman] Oh, sh*t!

[Announcer] Ahmed double checks

the address of the site

so there are no mistakes.

Ahman doesn't.

Sh*t!

[Announcer] Ahmed dresses properly,

wearing clothing that is loose enough

to hide his explosives.

Ahman dresses inappropriately.

Oh. You are right.

It is awful.

If I may suggest, sir,

what we need is

a real Hollywood director to help us.

But he must hate America.

This won't be hard to find in

Hollywood. They all hate America.

Yes, but your average, girly-man

Hollywood director won't be enough.

What we need is someone

who really, really hates America.

[Man] Is the camera on?

OK, action. Ahem.

I am on the island

paradise, Cuba,

where there's a hospital

on every block.

As we can see, Cubans have the very best

health care in the world.

Not like America,

where it can kill you.

I've got two Americans here,

Bob and Joan Friedman,

injured during Hurricane Katrina,

caused by you know who.

But haven't been able

to get an American doctor

to pay a house call to their

gated community in Shaker Heights.

- [Man] Another mojito!

- Why? Because we're spending money

on military buildup

for this phony war on terror.

Doctor, we just want the same care

you give your own people.

OK, then get in line.

Oh, oh! Comrades!

- [Man] End of the line, gringo!

- [Man 2] No skipping!

Cuba is famous for its

free prescription drug plan.

What do you have for me?

- Take these.

- OK.

These are breath mints.

- S, seor. Take two.

- [Exhaling] Huh?

OK, pal, there ya go.

Free. That'll make you feel better.

- There you go.

- Huh?

Free. You know, in America,

that'd cost an arm and a leg.

- Aw, jeez. Dude.

- Sorry.

That's OK, Paco, you'll be

back on your feet in no time.

- Cuba. More...

- Ready...

- than the jewel...

- Aim...

- of the Caribbean.

- Fire!

- A country that cares for its citizens.

- [Woman] Finally, we can move up!

God! This is paradise!

I gotta get back, but I can be

assured that my American friends

are in good hands

in the Cuban health care system.

[Malone on bullhorn]

It's time for me to leave

and say goodbye

to all my little brown friends.

And it's off to America.

[Woman] America!

[Man] He's going to America!

[Man 2] He said America!

[People shouting]

- Take me!

- Take me!

I do want to say...

Whoa! Get out! Get out!

[Screaming]

[Malone] So many people wanted

to thank me, they rushed the boat.

These people know how bad

it's gotten in America.

Well, I guess they wanted me to spread

the word about what a paradise Cuba is.

- [Screaming]

- Aah! Off my boat!

Yeah!

[Grandpa] He thought

everybody loved his movies.

- [girl] Did they?

- No!

Nobody loves documentaries.

But people do find them restful.

[Yawning]

[Malone] Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you for that

great New York reception.

But as important as this movie is,

even more important is

the largest peace demonstration

the world has ever known.

This Sunday,

we're gonna abolish July 4th.

[Cheering]

[Girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July?

[Boy] It was America's birthday

party and he wasn't invited.

[Kids] Grandpa, get back to the story!

We're sending packages to soldiers

for the Fourth of July.

They're far from their home,

away from their families.

They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you

be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots?

Oh, ho, now, this is more like it!

There ya go.

I'll take three chocolate mints,

three fudge...

Oh, merit badges.

What are those for?

Oh. Well, this is for making

a safety display.

This one's for camping,

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