An American Carol Page #2

and this is a good manners badge.

Oh!

For being respectful

to a fat, ignorant,

traitorous sack of sh*t.

[Girl] Grandpa!

- Grandpa!

- [Boy] I heard you!

Oh, what? I didn't say that.

I said, uh...

Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor.

- You did say that.

- No, I didn't.

[Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back.

We are on a roll, people.

This rally will be historic.

- Most important since Nixon.

- Nixon?

Total dork president

from around the Civil War.

All the most important

progressive organizations

will be represented. Jane?

So far, People

For The Anti-American Way,

Vegans Against Fur,

Man-boy Love Boat,

Potawamie Casino,

Church of Entitlement,

- and, um...

- And?

And... it's still early.

The rally's Sunday!

Don't worry, we'll get more.

We're not shaving till

they bring the troops home.

- Thank you, boys.

- They're women.

[Malone] Right.

Like all of us.

We have to ban military recruiters

from college campuses. They interfere...

Excuse me.

Oh. Are you here to join

Sailors Against War?

No, uh, I think all sailors

are against war,

but sometimes we have to fight.

Soldiers Against Guns?

No. Those guns come in handy

when we do fight.

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?

No, uh, please.

I'm just here looking for my uncle.

His name is... Oh.

- Uncle Michael, hey.

- Huh? Josh?

Hey. This is my... nephew.

Josh. He's, uh...

What are you doin' here?

I came here to invite you

to our Fourth of July barbecue,

like I do every year.

Well, that's very nice of you... again,

but I'm a little busy here.

"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?

This is no joke.

Why should I celebrate a country

that's caused oppression and terror

all over the world?

Is that how he felt?

He was a war hero.

P. T. 109.

He would've come around.

If he were alive today,

this Sunday, he'd be

marchin' with us in solidarity.

Uncle Michael, I realize

how strongly you feel,

- but Lily and I just...

- [mice squeaking]

We won't be going too late.

A lot of our guests are going

to the Trace Adkins concert.

- Who's Trace Adkins?

- I'm good.

He's a big country music star.

Maybe not in New York,

but in the rest of the country.

Country music doesn't speak to me.

Not just because the music's awful

or the lyrics are stupid,

or everybody dresses like that cowboy

from the Village People.

- How's little Billy?

- Timmy.

Not very well, I'm afraid,

but he's got great spirit.

- He'd love to see you.

- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.

It'll probably be too late.

- Oh, little Jimmy.

- Timmy.

No. He'll probably

still be around, but...

I'm shipping out to

the Persian Gulf Sunday night.

Well, can't you get out of it?

I want to go. It's my duty.

I don't get it.

How can you be related to me?

Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here

with people from Abolish The Military.

Well, I guess I got some work to do.

Well, you're invited

in case you change your mind.

Right. Sure.

Uncle Michael, I came

here in good spirits,

and I don't want to let

anything change that.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone,

and God bless America!

[Josh] My country,

'tis of thee

Sweet land of...

Liberty

Lighted up by the rockets

in the air...

- [kids shouting]

- Grandpa, get back to the story!

I've never left it.

[Jazz music playing]

I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen

are required to wear a jacket.

Look, don't you know who I am?

I'm Michael Malone.

Well, then perhaps a shower as well.

What the hell? I didn't make

the top 10? That's impossible!

Apparently, the people who like

your movies don't actually go to movies.

No one wants to see Americans

screwed by foreigners, except in porn.

I haven't done porn in years!

- [Music stops]

- [Nervous chuckle]

- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.

- For a documentary. Come on.

I know that.

I gotta do a feature like John Ford.

That man was a true filmmaker.

The sweeping vision, the amazing

panoramas of Monument Valley.

And soldiers were good guys.

But you're leading

a demonstration against our troops.

Oh, right, on the Fourth of July.

- It's not against the troops.

- Oh, save it for your crazies.

Look, Mikey,

this is a fickle town.

See the maitre d' over there, huh?

Used to be recurring on Seinfeld.

Hey, call me. [laughs]

Now, what is this feature

you have in mind?

It's a powerful drama about oppressed

people adrift in a world gone mad.

Hmm!

It's anti-everything-America-stands-for

without being anti-American.

Hmm...

Fascist America?

Comedy, right?

Wow. [sniffs]

Did you bathe today?

No.

[Orchestra playing]

[Announcer] And now,

live from New York City,

it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards,

hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.

And now, here are your hosts,

Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.

We are gathered here tonight

because we all share the same goals:

Redistribution of wealth,

freedom from the chains of materialism,

and, of course, ending world hunger.

- [Applause]

- Finally. I'm starving.

It's our pleasure to present

the most prestigious honor

in documentary film,

the Leni Riefenstahl Award.

[Applause, music]

[Rex] As Germany's most famous

documentary filmmaker,

Leni Riefenstahl

celebrated the incredible rise

of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler,

becoming a tireless promoter

of his campaign for change.

Her pioneering use

of the wide-angle lens

to capture the scope

of massive formations

paved the way for

generations of filmmakers.

Through the creative

manipulation of truth,

she was able to influence history,

demonstrating the power of film.

[Hilton] Although resulting

in the death of over 60 million people,

her place in any cinematic

hall of fame is secure.

And this year's award

for best documentary director goes to...

Michael Malone for

Die, You American Pigs.

[Announcer] This is Michael Malone's

third Moove Along award.

He previously won for his documentaries

Shame On You, America,

- and America Sucks A Big One.

- Oh, OK.

Hey. I try to tell the truth

in my films, and I get attacked...

- [orchestra playing]

- But I'm gonna continue...

Oh. Ha.

Oh. What is that?

Ooh! Ooh!

Get my good side.

That concludes the non-televised

portion of the show.

- [Drum roll]

- Huh?

And now the highlight of the evening:

Best Feature Film Director.

And the award goes to...

[both] George Mulrooney!

For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad.

[Announcer] The heroic story

of newscaster

Edward R. Murrow, who half a century

ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator

who accused people

of being communists.

This is Mulrooney's

19th Moove Along Award

to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys,

and two Super Bowl rings.

Thank you. I... I dedicate this award

to all the courageous filmmakers

who take on tough issues

like McCarthyism,

even though it no longer exists,

or like slavery or Nazism,

even though they ended, too.

But you know, evil exists today.

Like, well, Islamic terrorism.

[Laughing] But like I'm gonna

make that movie, right?

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