An American Carol Page #2
and this is a good manners badge.
Oh!
For being respectful
to a fat, ignorant,
traitorous sack of sh*t.
[Girl] Grandpa!
- Grandpa!
- [Boy] I heard you!
Oh, what? I didn't say that.
I said, uh...
Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor.
- You did say that.
- No, I didn't.
[Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back.
We are on a roll, people.
This rally will be historic.
- Most important since Nixon.
- Nixon?
Total dork president
All the most important
progressive organizations
will be represented. Jane?
So far, People
For The Anti-American Way,
Vegans Against Fur,
Man-boy Love Boat,
Potawamie Casino,
Church of Entitlement,
- and, um...
- And?
And... it's still early.
The rally's Sunday!
Don't worry, we'll get more.
We're not shaving till
- Thank you, boys.
- They're women.
[Malone] Right.
Like all of us.
We have to ban military recruiters
from college campuses. They interfere...
Excuse me.
Oh. Are you here to join
Sailors Against War?
No, uh, I think all sailors
are against war,
but sometimes we have to fight.
Soldiers Against Guns?
No. Those guns come in handy
when we do fight.
The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?
No, uh, please.
I'm just here looking for my uncle.
His name is... Oh.
- Uncle Michael, hey.
- Huh? Josh?
Hey. This is my... nephew.
Josh. He's, uh...
What are you doin' here?
I came here to invite you
to our Fourth of July barbecue,
like I do every year.
Well, that's very nice of you... again,
but I'm a little busy here.
"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?
This is no joke.
Why should I celebrate a country
that's caused oppression and terror
all over the world?
Is that how he felt?
He was a war hero.
P. T. 109.
He would've come around.
If he were alive today,
this Sunday, he'd be
marchin' with us in solidarity.
Uncle Michael, I realize
how strongly you feel,
- but Lily and I just...
- [mice squeaking]
We won't be going too late.
A lot of our guests are going
to the Trace Adkins concert.
- Who's Trace Adkins?
- I'm good.
He's a big country music star.
Maybe not in New York,
but in the rest of the country.
Country music doesn't speak to me.
Not just because the music's awful
or the lyrics are stupid,
or everybody dresses like that cowboy
from the Village People.
- How's little Billy?
- Timmy.
Not very well, I'm afraid,
but he's got great spirit.
- He'd love to see you.
- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.
It'll probably be too late.
- Oh, little Jimmy.
- Timmy.
No. He'll probably
still be around, but...
I'm shipping out to
the Persian Gulf Sunday night.
Well, can't you get out of it?
I want to go. It's my duty.
I don't get it.
How can you be related to me?
Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here
with people from Abolish The Military.
Well, I guess I got some work to do.
Well, you're invited
in case you change your mind.
Right. Sure.
Uncle Michael, I came
here in good spirits,
and I don't want to let
anything change that.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone,
and God bless America!
[Josh] My country,
'tis of thee
Sweet land of...
Liberty
Lighted up by the rockets
in the air...
- [kids shouting]
- Grandpa, get back to the story!
I've never left it.
[Jazz music playing]
I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen
are required to wear a jacket.
Look, don't you know who I am?
I'm Michael Malone.
Well, then perhaps a shower as well.
What the hell? I didn't make
the top 10? That's impossible!
Apparently, the people who like
your movies don't actually go to movies.
No one wants to see Americans
screwed by foreigners, except in porn.
I haven't done porn in years!
- [Music stops]
- [Nervous chuckle]
- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.
- For a documentary. Come on.
I know that.
I gotta do a feature like John Ford.
That man was a true filmmaker.
The sweeping vision, the amazing
panoramas of Monument Valley.
And soldiers were good guys.
But you're leading
a demonstration against our troops.
Oh, right, on the Fourth of July.
- It's not against the troops.
- Oh, save it for your crazies.
Look, Mikey,
this is a fickle town.
See the maitre d' over there, huh?
Used to be recurring on Seinfeld.
Hey, call me. [laughs]
Now, what is this feature
you have in mind?
It's a powerful drama about oppressed
people adrift in a world gone mad.
Hmm!
It's anti-everything-America-stands-for
without being anti-American.
Hmm...
Fascist America?
Comedy, right?
Wow. [sniffs]
Did you bathe today?
No.
[Orchestra playing]
[Announcer] And now,
live from New York City,
it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards,
hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.
And now, here are your hosts,
We are gathered here tonight
because we all share the same goals:
Redistribution of wealth,
freedom from the chains of materialism,
and, of course, ending world hunger.
- [Applause]
- Finally. I'm starving.
It's our pleasure to present
the most prestigious honor
in documentary film,
the Leni Riefenstahl Award.
[Applause, music]
[Rex] As Germany's most famous
documentary filmmaker,
Leni Riefenstahl
celebrated the incredible rise
of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler,
becoming a tireless promoter
of his campaign for change.
Her pioneering use
of the wide-angle lens
to capture the scope
of massive formations
paved the way for
generations of filmmakers.
Through the creative
manipulation of truth,
she was able to influence history,
demonstrating the power of film.
[Hilton] Although resulting
in the death of over 60 million people,
her place in any cinematic
hall of fame is secure.
And this year's award
for best documentary director goes to...
Michael Malone for
Die, You American Pigs.
[Announcer] This is Michael Malone's
He previously won for his documentaries
Shame On You, America,
- and America Sucks A Big One.
- Oh, OK.
Hey. I try to tell the truth
in my films, and I get attacked...
- [orchestra playing]
- But I'm gonna continue...
Oh. Ha.
Oh. What is that?
Ooh! Ooh!
Get my good side.
That concludes the non-televised
portion of the show.
- [Drum roll]
- Huh?
And now the highlight of the evening:
Best Feature Film Director.
And the award goes to...
[both] George Mulrooney!
For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad.
[Announcer] The heroic story
of newscaster
Edward R. Murrow, who half a century
ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator
who accused people
of being communists.
This is Mulrooney's
19th Moove Along Award
to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys,
and two Super Bowl rings.
Thank you. I... I dedicate this award
to all the courageous filmmakers
who take on tough issues
like McCarthyism,
even though it no longer exists,
or like slavery or Nazism,
even though they ended, too.
But you know, evil exists today.
Like, well, Islamic terrorism.
[Laughing] But like I'm gonna
make that movie, right?
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"An American Carol" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/an_american_carol_2777>.
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