An American Carol Page #3

Like I want to get beheaded. [choking]

- [Orchestra playing]

- [Mulrooney laughing]

- Thank you!

- [Woman] George! Over here!

Aah!

Ooh! Mom?

Huh!

Oh! [chuckling]

Wow. Mulrooney's so hot.

Huh? Huh?

Excuse us, Director Michael Malone.

I am Ahmed, and this is

my comrade Mohammed.

Nice to meet you.

Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie

to inspire the final jihad.

Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea,

but I'm only doin' big-budget features.

How big of a budget would you need?

A feature? 10 million minimum.

Call me when you sold enough falafel.

Ahmed, Mohammed.

[Both] Who are you?

It's me.

- Aziz!

- Shh!

- What are you doing here?

- We have a more important mission.

- But the movie.

- It can wait.

This will be the most spectacular attack

on the infidels ever.

But we need to find someone important

with the right connections.

[Malone] I'm directing

Mulrooney's next picture.

- Someone like that.

- Director Akbar?

Yes. What will it take

to get him to cooperate?

[Both] $10 million.

Well, the opium crop

is very good this year.

Money will be no problem.

Allahu Akbar.

So I said to Spielberg,

Steve, you can't...

Ooh, crab cakes.

Say, want to go to Clint's

party with me?

Director Akbar!

- We have glorious news for you...

- George! George!

We have 10 million.

Must have been a good opium

crop this year. George, over here.

- 10 million U.S. Dollars, cash.

- Cash? Right!

- Good! So you'll do it.

- Yeah, right.

Have your people contact my people.

I bet she would look great in a burka.

[Entertainment Tonight

theme music playing]

[Humming along]

[Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight

takes you behind the scenes

to discover where are they now?

We're going to find out

whatever happened to Michael Malone,

the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get

a new movie off the ground,

a feature. [laughs]

After the news that

his latest movie tanked...

- What?!

- Who is gonna bankroll that?

This past Tuesday,

we finally tracked down

Clyde the orangutan...

[Seinfeld-like music playing]

[Seinfeld-like music playing]

- Are you sure you have $10 million?

- Absolutely.

Then why'd you come to me?

We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah!

Sorry. My friend is not detonating

on all cylinders.

He meant, your movies

are filled with big, fat lies.

It's OK. They're documentaries.

They don't have to be true.

Look, I love America.

That's why it needs to be destroyed,

so it'll come to its senses.

Right. Well, anyway,

we need your help.

No matter how many people we kill,

we cannot get rid of the Americans.

We need a movie that shows

we are winning.

Even though we're not. Aah!

Director Akbar, we already have an idea.

It's a traditional Taliban love story.

Boy meets girl, boy falls in love

with girl, boy cuts girl's head off.

What?

Happy ending. He preserves his honor.

Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie

about homicidal psychopaths

who cut people's heads off.

I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script.

Dramatic story about

how one courageous man

took on the system

and exposed America's evil.

Like Hannah Montana. Wait!

- Thank you. Oh!

- [Seinfeld-like music playing]

You gonna finish that?

Wait. He's going to work

for terrorists?

- It's looking that way, isn't it?

- Doesn't that make him a terrorist?

[Girl] No, silly.

That just makes him a total idiot.

[Announcer]... first-place tie.

[Changing channels]

[Announcer] John F. Kennedy,

35th president of the United States,

cut down by an assassin's bullet.

The tears were not only for a president,

but for what he stood for,

the causes he held dear.

[Kennedy] Let us never

negotiate out of fear,

- but let us never fear to negotiate.

- My hero. A man of peace.

If only you were president now.

Wait.

If I were president, what?

[Malone gasping]

You said that I was a hero,

a true peacemaker.

[Malone] You can't be here!

You're dead!

- You must redeem yourself.

- How'd you do that?

This is the greatest country

in history,

and you have slandered it

all over the globe.

I was tryin' to be like you.

You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam.

- Who told you that?

- Oliver Stone. In his movie.

Oh, brother! Did you

ever read my inaugural address?

Of course! "Ask not what

your country can do for you.

Ask what..." Aah!

Not that part.

The part about going to war.

- There was a war part?

- Oh, brother.

Let every nation know,

whether they wish us well or ill,

that we shall pay any price,

bear any burden...

[tapping screen]

Meet any hardship, support any friend,

oppose any foe, to assure the survival

and the success of liberty.

Uh, thanks, folks.

Oh!

I didn't know about the war part.

What do you think that meant?

Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions?

You sound like Reagan.

Thank you.

You're not gonna eat that, are you?

OK, look, you will be

visited by three spirits.

Listen to them.

Learn from them.

Oh, yeah.

The spirits are gonna come scare me,

and I'm gonna be born again, right?

What a douchebag.

Hey, wait!

Hey, when are these spirits

gonna... Aah!

[Alarm clock beeping]

Oh!

What a nightmare.

I'm gonna be late!

Ooh!

[Grandpa] He rushed

to Columbia University

to lead a demonstration

against the troops.

- [girl] What's a demonstration?

- Well, in this case,

it's when students show how much they

don't know by repeating it loudly.

[Protesters chanting]

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes, recruiters, no!

[Malone] There is nothing more important

than stopping war!

No more wars! No more wars!

Because instead of fighting,

we should talk to our enemies!

Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight!

Right! Right! Don't believe

the government lies!

Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies!

Good... good.

That's good chanting. Good.

There is no terrorist threat!

The government just wants to...

The government just wants!

The government just wants!

That doesn't make any sense.

Please hang on a second. Please, OK?

[Chanting stops]

The government is exaggerating

the terrorist threat

for its own nefarious purposes!

What does nefarious mean?

What does nefarious mean?

Well, you know, it means...

just hang on a second.

Can we just stop chanting, please?

- Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't...

- Will you shut up?!

Just shut up for a second!

OK, uh... can we just try

to listen for a minute

without the chanting?

OK, we have to stop...

Hey! Free history term papers!

- [Shouting]

- Whoa!

Oh!

Ooh!

Ooh, thanks a lot.

That got a little wild.

Hey, who are you?

Army recruitin' senior citizens?

Aah! Hey!

That's "Hey, sir", maggot.

I am General George S. Patton.

That explains the slapping.

You're General George Patton,

from the movie?

No. From the United States Army,

back when this country was winning wars.

Oh, my God, JFK.

"You will be visited by three..."

Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping?

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