An American Carol Page #4

It's my trademark.

Well, maybe you ought

to try a baseball cap.

[Protesters] No more war!

No more war!

No more war!

- Hey, where am I?

- No more war!

We pledge ourselves!

We will not support the United States

in any war!

Right on, sister.

- So, what's goin' on here?

- Damn peace demonstration.

Just like yours, only this is 1940.

They don't want us to fight Hitler.

- So they can't see us.

- Right.

Hmm. Aah!

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

I'm startin' to notice a pattern here.

- Anyway, this never happened!

- This absolutely happened.

Well, they're pacifists. They understand

war doesn't solve problems.

The only way is to sign

agreements like civilized people,

- not like sadistic movie generals.

- That general you saw was an actor!

I'll show you what

the real Patton was up against!

OK, where are we now?

Who's the guy dressed as a butler?

Germany, September, 1938.

That's Neville Chamberlain,

weak-assed prime minister of England.

Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement.

[Chamberlain] Right. This gives you

all the Sudetenland,

Austria, and a couple countries

I can't pronounce.

And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia.

So that's C A, no. T... Oh!

Let's make it Poland.

The important thing is we now have hope.

See? He stands for what's important.

Does that look like standing to you?

- There. How's that?

- You missed a spot.

[Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys

are playin' you for a fool?

[Whistling]

- War is not the answer.

- [Patton] You wimpy little bastard!

You're givin' this Nazi everything

and gettin' nothin' in return!

Not nothing. We get peace.

Kumbaya, my lord

- Kumbaya

- And a damn fine cup of tea.

Und we'll name

a concentration camp after you.

Think of it...

Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain.

Lovely.

Hang on. I'm good at this.

Mr. Herr President,

obviously America's done

something wrong to make you

want to invade these countries

and kill innocent people.

- I'm just as frustrated as you.

- Excuse me, Fuhrer...

- You're a grand old flag...

- May I have a word?

Hang on. America keeps doing things

to piss off the rest of the world.

We bring it on ourselves.

What do we do to address

your understandable grievances?

How about carbon emission credits?

That'll offset your need to invade

France...

Aah!

[Soldiers] I don't know,

but I been told,

kill some Jews and take their gold.

Third floor. Right. Sorry.

They really should add flying

to the things we can do.

My point is talking to evil dictators

gets you nothing.

You know one thing they understand?

I'm guessing some sort

of physical violence.

- Strength. That's the only thing.

- Right. I'll remember that.

Is there anything you think

is worth fighting for?

Well, I'd kill to do a feature.

Now, can we please just go home?

Sure thing. Right home.

Cigar?

And support the imperialist

big business tobacco lobby? Never.

It's Cuban.

Hmm... I guess I can make an exception.

Ah! Takes me back.

What the hell is this?

- Your home. Maloneville, Alabama.

- I live in Alabama?

Didn't you hear? Around 1860,

all the good jobs started to move south.

- After the Civil War?

- There was no war.

Lincoln agreed with you.

War was not the answer.

- Saved 600,000 American lives.

- Well, that's good.

Good move for the economy here, too.

- What? Why?

- Cheap labor.

Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone!

I had the boys polish your trophies

like you told us.

Polish my trophies?

I ain't know they

gave awards for a documentary.

You know, for your information...

Wait! Who are these people?

You're the biggest

slave owner in the state.

Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me?

I's Rastus.

What? Oh, this can't be happening.

Hey, isn't that...

Yeah, that's him, all right.

Don't you worry, mass'a Malone.

We got them bacon stains

out of the upholstery.

It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln

never fought no wars.

Oh... look, uh, Rastus,

you know this isn't real, right?

Whatever you say, mass'a.

Whatever you say, I guess this old ni...

No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that.

Mass'a Malone!

Mass'a Malone! Good news!

Productivity is through the roof since

you sold Daddy and the old folks!

Now we can buy us

about 20 new bucks

and start pickin' some cotton!

[Men, singing in harmony]

The trouble I've seen...

Rastus, tell me, how does old

mass'a Malone treat his slaves?

Mass'a Malone is the bestest,

most kindliest mass'a

a slave could have.

Oh, he don't beat us

unless we awful bad.

And he don't sell the li'I children

until they 6 months old.

No, no, no! I...

Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed

from the beatin' you gave me yesterday!

No, I wasn't gonna be...

Can you make them stop?

Look, here, y'all!

Mass'a don't want to hear slave sh*t!

Kick somethin' into 4l4!

[Man] 1, 2, 3, 4.

Hava nagila, hava nagila

Hava nagila ve nis'mecha

Hava nagila, we are so happy

That mass'a owns us

He is the best, yeah!

I gotta get out of here!

All right, mass'a leavin'.

Everybody wave goodbye.

- Hope you can buy some more of us.

- We sure could use a baritone.

- Huh?

- [Girl] Bye, Daddy.

- [Malone screams]

- [Boy] Bye, Daddy!

- [Girl 2] Bye, Daddy!

- [Girl 3] Bye, Daddy!

[Screaming]

- Aw, that was sick.

- Not as sick as slavery.

Lincoln is revered now

for fighting that war.

Hey, you would know.

- Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay.

- [Cell phone ringing]

Why don't I just shoot you now?

Well, maybe he just had

a wide stance.

Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello!

Michael? Where are you?

- Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C.

- Yeah, right. Wherever you are,

you're supposed to be

at Columbia in the morning.

I know. Of course.

- [Phone beeps]

- Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane?

[Off-the-hook signal]

- Damn cell phones.

- Here. Use mine.

But do your minutes roll over

to the next month?

But do your minutes roll over

to the next month?

Course they do.

- But do you get unlimited texting?

- You think I was born yesterday?

[Students conversing]

[Door opens]

Your people.

Yep, the students love me.

Love you? They don't even know you.

You're unique.

A liberal director

who can't even get laid

at the University

Peace Studies Department.

- They flock to my movies.

- They flock to slasher movies.

They go to your movies

'cause professors tell them to.

This is where they get information

to support the peace movement.

- It's called education.

- It's called indoctrination.

The American flag is a symbol

of oppression all over the world.

July 4th is a despicable celebration.

I know that look.

You're gonna try to teach me somethin'.

Where we gonna go now, back in time?

We don't have to. We're at a university.

[Pitch pipe plays note]

Nothing has changed

We still think the same way

And if you think the way we do

We'll give you an A

And you get extra credit

If you're poor, black, or gay

Just be sure not to pray

Yes, everything's the same

Mmm!

- [Slap]

- Aah!

[Man] Two, three, four.

The president's stupid,

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