An American Carol Page #5

our soldiers are thugs

The government's dirty

Our cops are on drugs

But we still like our co-eds

with blond hair and jugs

And America's to blame

Just like in 1968

- Are you kidding? A musical number?

- 1968

A little entertainment.

We were smart

when we had something to part

What kind of a soldier are you?

Startin' to understand

the boots and the whip.

1968, things were really great

I used to ovulate

You gotta love 1968

Hey, what are you doin' with our kids?

... in the moon

And so what if there are facts

That we forget to include?

We've already got tenure

So your children are screwed

To a college with half a brain

Nothin's changed

What do your parents

think you're doin' here?

They're just happy to

have us out of the house.

Wanna hear what you're

spending your life savings on?

- I gave up an ass lift for this?

- Take a look!

America's evil, it's a fascist regime

Take over the world

It's the American dream

And pay no attention

to the being supreme

[Malone] He doesn't matter

Anymore

Oh.

Just like in 1968

1968

1968

1968

Come on to 19

1968

Let's keep singin' it

1968

- So, what do you think now?

- I'm still against torture.

OK, so they're

a little behind the times.

It doesn't make it OK for you to

embarrass those great professors.

Doin' a good job

of that themselves.

They're only tryin'

to bring peace.

By indoctrinating an entire generation

to hate its own country.

Well, they teach math, too.

When was it in your life

that you went so completely wrong?

Was it in college?

Before that?

Was it a girl?

[Doorbell rings]

- Michael!

- Molly!

Molly, I'm off to save the world,

but I'll be back.

Oh, Michael, war is

such a terrible thing.

I know, Molly.

That's why I'm going off

to film school.

Film school?

Yes. No sacrifice too great.

You'll wait for me of course?

Sure. Or course.

Take your time.

But she didn't wait, did she?

She tried, but I was gone so long.

Long? You were kicked out

in the first semester.

[Doorbell rings]

[Molly] Coming!

- Molly.

- Marty!

Oh, my God!

This can't be happening!

My best friend?

We fell in love while you were gone.

No! I mean, he's in the army!

How terrible! You got drafted!

No, Michael. I enlisted.

I want to serve my country.

How could you want to serve

the corrupt American war machine?

- Molly.

- Marty.

I just love men in uniform.

Oh, shoot.

You know, that uniform

always worked for me, too.

[Chuckles]

So, you remember what happened next.

Yeah, my first film.

A daring expose on something...

She did the astronaut, too?

And the entire crew of the shuttle.

[ The Army Goes Rolling Along playing]

[Sound of record needle scratching]

Well, general, enjoyed this

cruel little side trip, thank you,

but I have an interview in 20 minutes.

Don't worry, kid.

Things are gonna get a lot worse.

The demonstration is outside

the Madison Square Garden.

We need to get into artists' entrance

where there are no metal detectors.

Well, for that, we will need

all-access media passes.

Exactly.

You must get these from director Malone.

He can get them.

He's a documentary filmmaker.

Wait. You got us

a documentary filmmaker?

Yes, but, leader,

he gets to go everywhere

so he can document his hate of America.

Where would they give all-access passes

to someone like that?

- America!

- America!

[Both laughing]

- Ahmed? Mohammed?

- Oh, uh, director Akbar.

- What are you doin' here?

- We are here to watch your interview.

- [Mohammed] And talk about the movie.

- [Malone] Oh, yeah.

Who's Mister Happy?

Oh, him? Aziz is an actor.

Well, he's also our contact

to the foreign investors.

Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man.

Wonderful to meet you.

You know, for financing a movie, you can

get an associate producer credit. Huh?

Oh, holdin' out for executive producer.

Too clever for me.

You must have been killer sellin' rugs.

OK, we'll negotiate.

How about joinin' me

for the interview?

- No, no, no, he can't be on TV.

- I am here illegally.

Mohammed and Ahmed have visas,

but I could not.

Yes, he was on some kind of list.

[Aziz] I came through Mexico...

with some friends.

Great, great.

Good thing that fence isn't up yet.

This country was built by immigrants.

No matter. We'll get you

a nice cameo in the movie.

Have to shave, though.

You look like a terrorist.

[Malone laughing]

[Laughing]

[Screams, imitates explosion]

Aah! Help me! I'm on fire!

Aah! Bam!

Hey, a bomb went off!

[Laughing]

So what's the next step?

Financing in place?

Yes.

But before the money is committed,

I'll need media passes

to your demonstration.

Media passes?

Well, uh, he wants to hear

the great director speak.

Oh, yes, all right.

We can arrange that.

Be good to have you there,

show that everybody's against violence.

- Especially jihadists.

- [Elevator bell rings]

What?

We need to treat all cultures equally.

Everyone is equal.

Oh, damn. A thread.

Right before the interview.

Allow me.

Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba.

Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly.

Thanks for watching.

Tonight's special segment is July 4th.

Now, most folks will be celebrating

by going to a barbecue,

a parade, or here in New York City,

to a Madison Square Garden

country music concert for the troops.

But my guests tonight

have different plans.

Michael Malone is

planning a demonstration

- to abolish the Fourth of July.

- Hi, Bill.

And there are always fireworks with

TV personality Rosie O'Connell.

Good to be here, Bill.

Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her

documentary, but first, Mr. Malone,

you're demonstrating against

the troops on Independence Day?

Come on.

It's not against the troops.

It's against...

Look, we support the troops.

We just don't want them to kill anyone.

What? Don't you realize

that these troops

are the only ones standing between

radical Islam and innocent people?

Bill, there you go.

You think all terrorists

are radical Islamists.

That's profiling.

Radical Christianity

is as threatening as radical Islam.

- I don't think she means...

- It's exactly what I mean!

You can't be serious.

I'm serious and Michael agrees with me.

Let's roll the clip.

All right, roll it.

[Announcer] The civilized

world braces itself

for an onslaught of

death and destruction

brought on by radical Christians

as they attempt to spread their ideology

through terror throughout the world.

Praise Jesus!

Hail Mary full of grace!

Look out! It's those Christians!

[Announcer] We all pay the price

for the increased security needs

caused by the actions

of radical Christians.

I hate having to take these off

every time.

Yeah. Ever since

that Christian hid explosives

in the bottom of his shoes.

You can't take this on.

I'll have to confiscate it.

Toothpaste?

No liquids since the Christians

tried to bomb that plane

with smuggled nitroglycerine

and let me take this as well.

[Baby crying]

- [Man] Please remove all underclothing.

- Oh, brother.

- Ever since the underwear bomber.

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