An American Carol Page #6

- The Christian underwear bomber.

[Man on PA] All items of underclothing

must be placed in the trays.

Damn those Christians.

- Yipes!

- My God!

If you add extra bleach,

you might get those stains out.

- Hey!

- Have you considered a change in diet?

- What?

- Honey? Wouldn't hurt.

[Man grunting and moaning]

Ever since the suppository bomber...

The Episcopal suppository bomber.

That's not a documentary.

That's The Flintstones.

Bill, using reenactments to prove points

is a sign of a great documentary.

That's what we do. Right, Michael?

Bill, you wouldn't get that,

because you're a close-minded bigot!

Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin'

your masterpiece may win some awards.

Let's start it off with enshrining you

in the Pinhead Hall of Fame.

Keep it up, Bill.

We wouldn't be at war at all

if we didn't overreact

to that phony 9l11 attack.

[O'Reilly] You can't be serious.

I rest my case.

Can we talk about

the Anti-War demonstration?

You think those towers were brought down

by planes? No, explosives.

- Malone.

- That's simply idiotic. No sane...

It's the first time

fire ever melted steel!

Rosie, I've heard that claim.

It's only made by complete morons.

Now, Bill, our demonstration...

Don't call me names.

We weren't even invaded by a nation!

She's a little far out.

Here's a news flash for you, Malone.

Your movies may not be

as crazy as Rosie's,

but yours are more dangerous because

some idiots believe what you say.

Because I tell the truth!

Because you tell the audience

what it wants to hear.

At least nobody believes Rosie.

You didn't even believe

that Elvis is still alive.

Or that we never landed on the Moon.

I'm gonna take both and

put 'em into my next documentary.

Well, that concludes this look

at the moderate left.

Next week, we'll be looking at

the crazies who populate the fringe.

[Woman] Mr. Malone?

Mr. Malone?

Mr. Malone?

[Boy] Grandpa? Grandpa!

What?

A Mr. Mohammed called.

Something about not being

late for rehearsal?

Heather, I still have plenty of...

A rehearsal?!

How could you be part

of the evil military

and kill my brothers and sisters

who are defending their country?

Yusef, there are no straight men left.

Girls like me have to join the army.

Yes, that's why I joined.

She reads the lines

with such conviction.

Yes. This is so much better

than building pipe bombs.

What are you doing?

W had to start rehearsals.

We have no time to waste.

- But we haven't even...

- Shh!

Say no to the army, run away

to France where they have real men.

No. The recruiters

kidnap us off the street,

talk to us for hours

until we finally agree to sign up.

Like Scientology.

I'll ask the great leader

Osama for us to stay together.

- I didn't write that.

- Shh!

- [Man] To stay together.

- Please. Director Akbar!

- Huh?

- For us to stay together...

[man] Is this a real sword?

[Man 2] Yes. Be careful.

- [Man screams]

- [Malone] Oh, my God.

I will ask the great leader Osama.

She's an infidel. Cut off her head.

- Aah!

- And cut off her balls, too!

- Yaah! Come back here!

- No! Not me! Kill her!

- Death to the uncircumcised!

- A**hole!

- This sword is heavy!

- Just one second.

Give him more lines.

- Hey, isn't that?

- Yes, actor Akbar.

Revered by all Americans.

This isn't that kind of movie. This is

serious, for adults. Not entertainment.

- He will be hard to replace.

- There is no replacing!

This is about militants being

held at Guantanamo without a lawyer!

Meryl Streep already did that!

What about the Marine who rapes

and murders an Iraqi family?

Brian De Palma, straight to video.

- [Clanging]

- Lawyer who fights wiretapping.

Robert Redford.

Soldier who's forced

to go back to Iraq!

- Has an Oscar buzz.

- I want to see that!

- We'll see it Friday.

- It's a date.

[Groaning]

I know. All the really great

anti-American films have been done.

No way we can compete

with Hollywood studios.

[Man] Michael Malone?

What are you doing here?

- I'm directing this picture.

- What? I don't do documentaries.

- Malone! We're under attack!

- [Malone] Now what?

[People screaming, horns honking]

- Come on!

- Aah!

I don't see an attack.

- A gun? I don't...

- Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot.

Think of that as a talkin' stick.

Let's go, men!

- [Malone] Where are we going?!

- [Patton] Don't step in that!

[Malone] What's going on?!

Sons of b*tches!

Get the hell out of this courtroom!

- Stop! You can't just shoot people!

- They're not people! They're the ACLU!

What?! You still can't...

Oh! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

- Fire at will, boys!

- [Malone screaming]

- [People screaming]

- What's goin' on here?

ACLU. They come around

every now and then.

No listenin' in on terrorists' calls.

Be nice to Al Qaeda.

Read 'em their rights.

[Lawyers grunting]

[Judge] Separation of church and state.

Aah!

I'll tell you one thing about

the undead. They are relentless.

Aah!

Gun control. That gets 'em

a little riled up, too.

- [Gunshot]

- Aah!

I think we could use

gun control right about now!

Tell it to them.

Aah!

Aah!

Try it. It's fun.

- [Gunshot]

- Whoa!

Try not to lead 'em so much next time.

Aah!

- Aah!

- Aah!

What we're tryin' to do here, son,

is protect the Ten Commandments.

There's still five left.

Hey, judge!

Is the "not killing" still up there?

Aw, screw it!

Aah!

- Guns are not the answer!

- [Gunshot]

- Aah!

- Nice shot.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

The first one's always the best.

[Both grunting]

OK, OK, give me that thing.

Aah!

Ooh!

I bet they heard that.

Come on! They're on the subway!

Godspeed, General!

I'll need to see your bag, please.

[Grunting]

This says we can't search their bags.

[Grunting]

Thank Allah for the ACLU.

Now you are going to

see the glory of jihad.

They're going to fly

a subway into a building?

[Gunshots]

Subway into a building... hmm.

Well, now you've gone too far!

You're against privacy rights, too?

Only when they interfere

with survival rights.

Enjoy your privacy rights in hell.

The Patriot Act is spoiling everything.

I can't believe

I lent Fayed my backpack.

Aah!

- [Clanging]

- [Screaming]

Sir, we are ready to do our duty.

Your job is to pick up

the three all-access media passes

from the infidel director.

As America watches that concert on TV,

they will see the power of jihad.

You are going to blow up

Madison Square Garden?

When that roof collapses

on 20,000 American soldiers

and their families,

we will be held as martyrs

throughout the Arab world.

But we will be dead.

Yes.

Isn't there like a remote control

or a button or something?

Leader, we get the passes for it

from the director Akbar.

Very good.

I'm gonna grab a knish.

Your families will be proud.

Is there nothing we can do?

Nothing. The plan is foolproof.

Enough already. It's not as if I'm

against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts.

Little tip for you.

Fascist uniforms, not cool.

- Or religion.

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