An American Carol Page #7

- Or the Fourth of July?

Fourth of July? That reminds me.

I got a demonstration. See ya.

[Lawyers grunting]

You're leavin'?

Yep. End of the line for me,

so conjure up some fog

- and get me the hell out of here.

- Just go. This is real.

Are you sure?

That subway station was too clean.

Oh... unh!

[Country music playing,

people conversing]

That's the real America.

Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July,

just like your own family.

- This is my own family.

- Huh?

Oh, right. So it is.

Hey, do I smell burgers?

I made your favorite, sweet potatoes.

Aw, honey, you know,

what I think I'm gonna miss most

is your cooking.

- Not my kisses?

- [Both laughing]

Should I set a place

for Uncle Michael?

Oh, no, honey.

Uncle Michael's still very busy.

I feel bad he keeps

disappointing you.

[Josh] Well, he'll come around.

- [Timmy] God bless us, everyone.

- There he is, my gentle little Timmy.

What a beautiful day

for a family picnic.

Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert?

Daddy, is your a**hole

uncle coming tonight?

Uh, well...

Uh, Timmy, you know

Uncle Michael loves you.

That lard ass only loves himself.

Did he come up with

money for my operation?

Uh, well, uh...

Documentaries don't actually

pay enough to, uh...

- [girl] Daddy!

- Beckah. Hi, sweetheart.

I see that Michael "I'm gonna get

you a cornea transplant" Malone

stiffed you again.

Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can.

I bet he spent time in the cornea market

at the Cannes Film Festival.

[Josh] Oh, good!

The boys have brought out Tiny Tina.

She's doing so much better

on that new dialysis machine.

[Josh] Hey, kids!

I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad

has showed up with the kidney.

I'm running a little short on time here.

- Ow!

- Aah!

- [Kids screaming]

- Oh! Come on!

Now, can't we go on

to some other awful place?

Now, can't we go on

to some other awful place?

- Where the hell are we?

- Kandahar, Afghanistan.

But there's a war going on here!

- [Patton] Since 9l11!

- Down!

- Down!

- They shouldn't be blindfolded.

- It's against the Geneva Convention.

- They're the enemy.

- They're innocent till proven guilty.

- Let me tell you something.

If they're on the battlefield

and shooting at you, they're guilty!

[Malone] That's not the point.

There's no reason

to blindfold prisoners.

Fine. Take 'em off.

[All] Michael Malone! Michael Malone!

[Prisoner] Die You American Pigs!

He's much fatter in person.

OK, OK.

Let's see how fat I look

with one of these blindfolds back on.

- [Explosion]

- Oh!

Aah aah aah!

[Soldiers]... for my God

is with me wherever I go.

Have mercy upon me, O God,

for it is an unfailing love.

Praise be to the Lord, my rock,

who trains my hands for war,

my fingers for battle.

We're taking fire!

Aah! They're using real bullets!

Aah! Oh!

Oh!

[Groaning]

[Patton] Honestly,

I've tried to show him,

but this one is just too bullheaded.

Father, please forgive me.

I have done my best.

This challenge was just too much.

I fear this battle is lost.

Oh, so now you're telling God?

Not that father.

You know, JFK was right.

You are hopeless.

[Slap]

What?! Oh, George Washington.

Been dead for 200 years,

not that that matters anymore.

It does matter, citizen Malone.

Nice costume.

You here for the Halloween parade?

I'm here to talk to you about freedom.

- The greatest gift man has.

- Freedom?

Very precarious gift, easily misused.

And when it is misused, easily lost.

Like freedom from pompous spirits.

Like freedom of speech, which you abuse.

Like freedom of religion.

This is St. Paul's Chapel,

where I worshipped every Sunday...

- [yawning]

...when New York was the capital.

I sat right here

on the morning of my inaugural

to pray for guidance

in leading this nation.

If this place is so important,

why don't they clean it?

- [Malone] It's full of...

- Dust.

From across the street.

[Church bell tolling]

Oh, my God.

It was the World Trade Center,

and this is the dust

of 3,000 innocent human beings

and the great heroes who perished

trying to save them.

Why'd you bring me here?

I'm not responsible for this.

It was our foreign policy.

It's our military bases overseas.

It's globalization. It's the CIA!

Is that what you're

gonna say on judgment day?

Well, I've already been judged,

and I won an Oscar.

For a documentary.

When you meet the Almighty, Michael,

I'm afraid that won't do.

Only the truth will do.

I gotta get out of here.

- [Clang]

- Ooh!

Ow!

Ooh!

- [Clanging]

- [Grunting]

No! No!

No! No!

Aah!

Don't hurt me!

I've always stood up for gay rights.

I'm the Angel of freakin' Death,

you turdhead.

Boy, you do not wanna mess

with the Angel of Death.

Listen, punk, there are consequences

for what you do.

Let's go.

Oh, good, another field trip.

Can we go someplace cool this time,

like Paris or Hollywood?

Now, that's a good idea.

[Arabic music playing]

What's goin' on here?

Where are we?

Hollywood, just like you wanted,

only now it's called Bin Laden City.

Oh, my God.

They kept the buildings.

Just changed the signs.

[Malone] Oh, no!

This isn't happening!

We lost the war on terror.

Nice work.

Great bunch of movies

you made for the other side.

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah. Terrorists really

appreciated your work.

Oh! Take me home.

My real home.

That's where we're goin'.

Back to Michigan.

[Siren]

Ah, home.

[Distant gunfire]

Detroit!

[Man] This is all that's left?

Not much to work with,

but if we put our heads together...

We'll never be able

to identify this victim.

Why even bother?

I mean, it's one of 100,000.

What happened here?

Listen.

The strange thing is

the blast only killed a few hundred.

Radiation got the rest.

Nuclear attack on Detroit?

Oh, my God.

We found this in the wreckage

of a television interview show.

Some big-ass celebrity.

[Woman] You got that right.

This was near it.

Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap.

That explains the fat ass.

Check this out.

There is no terrorist threat.

[Laughter]

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I just forgot to sign

the please don't shoot

my ass off agreement.

[Laughter]

Do I look more

like Michael Malone now?

Hey, spank my know-it-all ass.

[Man 2] I know!

Least everyone will be happy

now that I've been nuked!

[All laugh]

Don't let me die!

And all those people!

I don't wanna die!

Please, I don't wanna die!

[All] Yankee doodle went to town

Riding on a big ass

I don't wanna die!

Please! I don't wanna die!

Please! I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die.

[Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't

wanna die. I don't wanna die.

[Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't

wanna die. I don't wanna die.

I didn't die. I'm alive!

I'm here at Madison Square Garden

where Moovealong. Org is holding

their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally.

I didn't miss it!

It wasn't a nightmare!

Except for that creepy

George Washington guy.

It's a beautiful day!

They're all waiting

for their leader, Michael Malone.

That's right, Michael Malone.

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