An American Carol Page #8

I'm so f...

[knock on door]

Time to go.

I can't. I'm... sick.

Oh. You look terrible.

But you always look terrible.

Now come on.

Millions of people are counting on you.

[Chanting] We love Michael Malone!

We love Michael Malone!

You gotta do the right thing.

Huh?

[Protesters] We don't care how!

Leave now! We don't care how!

Leave now! We don't care how!

[Chant continues]

[Ahmed] Director Akbar!

Director Akbar, our

all-access media passes,

you have them?

Oh, yeah, uh,

enjoy the, uh, demonstration.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone!

What is your message to the troops

who have come for

the Fourth of July concert?

Uh... uh... uh...

[Heather] Give me that!

We're not gonna celebrate a country

that sends soldiers to fight.

That's what Michael is here to say.

Come on. Everyone's waiting.

Introduce Jimmy Carter

and make a speech.

- [Chanting] Bring troops home!

- Michael Malone will be here soon!

Feel free to just wander on up here.

And here's former

President Jimmy Carter!

Israel is an apartheid state.

Uh, high taxes are good for you.

[Woman] And after him,

Michael Malone is gonna be here!

Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Aah!

What am I gonna do?

They're gonna kill me!

- [Slap]

- Aah!

You spineless bastard, act like a man.

Why'd you do that?

I was gonna do something.

I just don't know what. Aah!

You can't sit here on the sidelines.

It's time to take action.

I'm considering

getting another hero.

Aah!

[Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here?

You're not a spirit.

I know. I just enjoy slapping you.

- Aah!

- Listen to yourself!

The time has come to forget about

the consequences and show courage!

You know what courage is?

You mean, like the lion

in The Wizard Of Oz?

I had a more heroic reference in mind,

but if The Wizard Of Oz

works for you, well, OK.

You know, is it possible for me

to get a little privacy in here?

We are facing the greatest

evil since Nazism.

[Patton] What are you talking about?

To assure there will be no more war,

I've taken the liberty

of arranging a formal surrender ceremony

on the U.S.S. Missouri.

OK, stop! I'll do it.

Thank you, thank you.

[Carter] Oh, look, here he is now,

a true heavyweight of the movement,

our brother, Michael Malone!

Ah... whoo.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

Uh, I know what you all

think is important.

Government-run health care.

Global warming.

No handguns allowed in your home.

And these things are all vital.

But they all come second

to the most important thing of all.

We're in a real war, people.

These terrorists want to kill us all,

and you're acting

like it's September 10th.

Traitor!

[Crowd booing]

Where'd you get that?!

Aah!

Aah!

Hang on a second!

Thanks, guys. Aah!

Oh, please! I don't blame you

for wantin' to water-board me

in a secret CIA prison,

but I've changed!

- We're trying to protect you.

- Well, thank you for bein' here.

Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter

that came to our campus.

What? You guys went to college?

[Announcer] And now, folks,

give a big New York City welcome to...

... Whiskey Falls!

[Fireworks exploding]

[ Whiskey Falls:
Hellbilly]

Poor Aziz.

He was supposed to wait

to detonate his bombs.

What a wanker.

Hey, let's get hot dogs

and go see the show.

After we blow ourselves up.

After the bombs go off,

I will personally kill you.

I can live with that.

[Song continues]

Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone!

Oh, hey!

This is for people

who support our troops.

You hate country music.

What are you doin' here?

I had no choice.

I was about to be beaten

by peace marchers!

[Announcer] And now,

on the birthday of our nation,

we're proud to introduce a man

who has entertained troops

all over the world.

Please welcome country music

superstar Trace Adkins!

[Cheering and applause]

The Angel of Death is headlining?

Hello, New York City!

[Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar!

Director Akbar!

Back here!

Shh! I'm gonna get killed.

I know. We all are.

We have to tell you something.

Aziz is not an actor.

- He's not?

- He's something else.

Think back.

You look like a terrorist.

[Laughing]

You are going to blow up

Madison Square Garden?

- [The Chicken Dance playing]

- Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist?

- And that would make you...

- [both] Filmmakers.

Right!

The "film" is set to go off at 7:00.

We have to stop him.

We'll never find him in this crowd.

There's only one place

I can see everything. The stage.

They hate you.

They hated Stalin, too.

Look for him out in the house.

- Stalin?

- The mentor of Oprah.

[Adkins] I wouldn't want

to be anywhere else.

So come on, let's not waste

any more time.

Let me hear you.

[Man] Hey, Malone,

get off the stage!

- [Booing]

- [Man 2] Get off the stage!

- [Man 3] What's he doin' here!

- Well, uh...

- [man] What are you doin' here?!

- [Malone] Damn it, where is he?

Uh, you probably all hate me,

and I don't blame you.

I said a lot of bad things.

Uh, over the last few days,

I learned a lot of lessons.

And now I know that terrorism

is not our fault!

[Crowd cheering]

[Malone] He's got to be

out there somewhere.

And that, uh, we may not be perfect,

but we're the good guys!

[Crowd] Yeah!

I'm sorry about what I said about

country music, NASCAR, and Americans.

- If you want to listen to dumb songs

- [crowd booing]

About cowboys and trucks

and watch cars endlessly

go around in circles.

Hey, what... Hey, this is

the United States of America!

We're free to do what we want!

So if those of you who agree with me

that America should be

destroyed, stand up now!

Yes! Die, you American pigs!

[Crowd] What?!

There he is! The terrorist! Get him!

We'll get him, director Akbar!

[Malone] Get him! Get him!

- Aziz, don't do it!

- Allahu Akbar.

- Wait!

- Wait!

[Timer beeping]

- Oh!

- Oh!

OK, now we must disarm the bomb.

Then it's a good thing we're alert.

- The red one!

- Which one's red? I'm color blind.

[Ahmed] We don't have time.

[Mohammed] I've never done this

in a restroom.

Don't worry about it.

Just relax and pull it gently.

- Like that?

- Ooh!

Ooh!

Sailors.

[Mohammed] Not that one!

Don't pull that one!

[Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here.

Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He's waking up!

Do something!

- Huh?

- Look!

Aah ha ha ha!

- [Ahmed] That was amazing.

- [Mohammed] You're incredible.

Marines.

[Ahmed] Director Akbar!

Director Akbar!

- Look! Look!

- [Timer resumes beeping]

- Ooh!

- [Timer stops]

[Crowd cheering]

Got anything else to say, son?

Yeah! How about you rednecks

Play some of that awful country music!

[Band playing]

Welcome to the real America.

You know, you look

much slimmer in person.

This is the greatest country

in the whole wide world

The fastest horses

The prettiest girls

We got the Army, the Navy,

Air Force, and Marines

The finest fightin' force

the world's ever seen

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