An Oversimplification of Her Beauty Page #4

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This circumstance is the cause.

It is unavoidable.

So the night greets you with sleep

you do not deserve but need,

and loneliness you have

imposed upon yourself

but do not deserve.

The reality is that she is gone.

You were not available,

so she left.

Number 2.

The time spent releasing,

writing, making films with her,

painting her with light,

shall we say,

was an insufficient

substitute...

...for spending time

with her in a social setting.

You cannot replace those

circumstances with these.

There is little joy

in this new space,

mostly quiet smiles and

internal musings about what

you should have said or done

during the moments

you are reenacting.

Number three.

In reality, you cannot write about

the situation without recalling

the emotions it provoked.

Unfortunately,

the painful ones reconstitute

themselves the most firmly,

brutally beating all the

endless conversations and

comfortable silences.

The shame and pain do not

erase the beauty entirely,

but the beauty stays clear of whatever

emotions find their way onto the page.

What remains

is what bludgeoned you,

confused you,

shamed you,

and emasculated you.

I'm in an exclusive romantic relationship.

Number four.

In reality,

chance does not often fall on your side.

You do not believe in luck per se, but

inevitably, as you begin to write this story,

your pen will run out of I,

your bed will break,

you will kiss her

with certainty and not dou.

She will turn you away.

You will never disclose your feelings.

She will find someone new.

You will imagine her in your bed at night.

She wl occupy someone else's.

She will find someone el.

In reality,

she will hurt you with her silence,

her quiet enigmatic beauty,

her impenetrable stare,

it's blankness,

it's indecipherability,

it's taste.

You will become

distracted again, walk into her magic.

You will kiss her with I.

She will turn you away.

She will find someone new, who will watch

her, watch you, tell her how you feel.

You will watch her not car.

In defense, you will forget

what happened. You will forget her mind,

her mother's name, her favorite color,

her orisha her laugh, her smell.

You will continue to wri,

ignorant, forgetful.

You will oversimplify

her beauty.

You will revise her

without her edges.

In reality, you love this simple

version of h. She is familiar,

benign. You will speak to the real her again.

Before doing so, you will prepare yourself,

pray the new her seems

the same as the old her.

She tells you she is in an

exclusive romantic relationship

with a young man whom

she likes quite a bit.

You retreat, keep your distance,

she catches your eye as you pray to a

Western god for a closeness with her,

a shared secret, a kiss, a hug,

a child, a family, a fight,

one where you make up

and make another child.

You are floating

involuntarily toward her magic.

You will tire of this dance.

But never so much as to disengage with it,

turn off the music.

Even though you know

that you should.

Even though

it may have never existe.

What are you doing?

One's identity

is most often bound

in the objectifying eye

of the beholder,

even if one finds themselves

beholding themselves.

Thus, disposition and identity are entirely

defined by individual interpretation.

We will call this phenomenon

"the lens."

For this exercise,

you must imagine an entirely

unfiltered and unapologec

view of yourself.

This self-awareness

is necessary

in order for us to formulate

accurate conclusions.

We need accurate facts

about who you are

and the idiosyncrasies tt

define an independent yo.

These facts are as follows...

And note,

like a list of ingredien,

the component that dominats the very

simple formula is listed first.

So first, them.

The sight of a certain type of

woman causes you to stumble.

She is most often brown,

maternal, well-read,

well-traveled,

and capable of holding a note

or playing an instrument.

By the grace of the goddes,

this archetype usually takes

notice of you in a way

that would divert their

attention from your clumsiness.

Often, their attention is

diverted long enough

for you to come across composed

and even intention-less.

These moments are

few and far between,

so capitalization is a mus.

Rule number two, never, ever

let a beautiful person

pass you by.

You are meditative

and masochistic

in a way that facilitates

your creative functional.

You like the poetics

of sad songs more.

You are, shall we say,

more enamored with the bad news.

Third,

your hope and idealism

stem from a far-gone reali,

a childhood that took

place in a community

that provided a wealth of love,

knowledge, and support.

You are supremely privileged

in the sense that you were,

throughout your childhoo,

provided with a pristinely healthy

emotional environment.

Your childhood was

conspicuously void of an,

conflict, and repression.

Thus, the trace amounts

that are present now

have a profound effect

on your emotional dispositio.

Number four.

You assume a persona of

ambivalence, aloofness,

and at times stoicism

in matters of love.

You assume this persona as a

means of attracting women.

It seems to work out better

if they believe you to be calm under

the pressure of heated attraction.

This behavioral mask has been the

direct cause of three discrete

and meaningful happenings and/or

experiences in this hypothetical situatio.

The first of these happenings is

something that did not happen.

You have not been able

to tell her

how you feel about

the relationship directly

until of, course,

the short film How Would You Feel?

Was finished and subsequently

screened for the public.

I feel pretty strange.

No. I mean,

it's weird.

How many people

do you say that to?

It's not really

a normal situation.

It's normal.

I have a bit of a...

I generally avoid the fact

in conversation

and direct interaction.

Well, if you don't know

what to do with it,

you might misuse it

or abuse it or...

Or enjoy it.

They're all dangerous things.

Because enjoying it, you let go

and give yourself in to it,

which is completely an

uncontrollable thing. So...

So...

To not be in control,

for people that like to be in control, is

risky, dangerous.

Not so good always.

It was definitely weird

to see on

a big screen in front

of other people.

Maybe if they didn't

know me, that was cool.

But I happened to see it for

the first time in a screening

with a whole bunch

of my friends,

who happen to know

all about you, Terence,

and some of our situation.

They've heard stories.

I've told them stories.

I take it that the

movie seems to be a critique

or an invitation to

revisit the notion of...

Of having exclusive,

special love.

So, the notion of

being able to love

or being romantically involved

with more than one person.

But, nevertheless,

every single one of them is special.

Mmm. Well, um...

I completely agree.

You know what I mean? But I think...

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