Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

There was a time, a time before cable,

when the local anchorman

reigned supreme,

when people believed everything

they heard on TV.

This was an age when only men

were allowed to read the news.

And in San Diego, one anchorman

was more man than the rest.

His name was Ron Burgundy.

He was like a god

walking amongst mere mortals.

He had a voice

that could make a wolverine purr,

and suits so fine

they made Sinatra look like a hobo.

In other words,

Ron Burgundy was the balls.

I look good. I mean, really good.

Hey, everyone!

Come and see how good I look!

Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.

That's why I'm doing this.

How now brown cow?

How now brown cow?

How now brown cow?

How are you?

You look awfully nice tonight.

Maybe don't wear a bra next time.

No, I was talking to you. No, not her.

I don't know her name. What is it?

Lanolin?

Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Unique New York.

I love Scotch. I love Scotch.

Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch.

Here it goes down. Down into my belly.

The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

How much time? 30? 30 seconds?

- You are on.

- I'm on right now?

I don't believe you.

Ron!

Oh, come on. Audrey.

I look like hell.

I got bags under my eyes.

What's that?

If you were a man,

I'd punch you right in the mouth.

That's bush. Bush league.

The Human Torch

was denied a bank loan.

You hear me? Audrey, look at me!

I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry.

All right, we're on.

Ready, Phil.

We're on in five, four...

When the clock struck 6:00,

it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy

and his news team: Go time.

Channel 4 News,

with five-time Emmy

award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy.

Champ Kind, sports.

Brick Tamland, weather.

And your reporter

in the field, Brian Fantana.

It"s Channel 4 News at 6:00.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,

and this is what's happening

in your world tonight.

A La Jolla man clings to life

at a university hospital

after being viciously attacked

by a pack of wild dogs

in an abandoned pool.

Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!

Ron Burgundy's on!

Authorities are still uncertain as to

why the man was loitering...

Ron Burgundy.

Oh, my gosh! She said her first words!

Right now it's 82 degrees in our fair city,

and compare that

to 48 degrees in the upper Northwest

and 38 degrees in the Middle East.

Off the coast of Tampa Bay yesterday,

one lucky cameraman happened

to catch an unusual aquatic daredevil.

What you're about to see

is a Channel 4 News exclusive.

His name is Nutty the Squirrel,

and he"s three years old.

How about that?

That squirrel can water-ski.

- Man, that's hilarious.

- Yeah, that's good.

For all of us here at News Center 4,

I'm Ron Burgundy.

You stay classy, San Diego.

Listen up.

The ratings just came in for last month.

We are number one.

We just grabbed

every key demographic.

- Super-duper, gang!

- Yeah! Yeah!

Super-duper! That's nice!

Way to go! Neat-o, gang.

- Yes!

- Boy, Ed.

That is good news. I gotta be honest.

- Congrats, congrats.

- That is good news!

- All right!

- Stick around.

Make sure these guys

don't party too much.

- They don't really ever listen to me.

- Just get it done.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I please have your attention?

I've just been handed an urgent

and horritying news story.

I need all of you

to stop what you're doing and listen.

Cannonball!

Yes, these fellas

were a real news team.

Burgundy, of course,

was the foundation, the rock.

But each member brought their own

special something to the equation.

People call me the Bri-man.

I'm the stylish one of the group.

I know what you're asking yourself,

and the answer is yes,

I have a nickname for my penis.

It's called the Octagon.

But I also nicknamed my testes.

My left one is James Westfall,

and my right one

is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

You ladies play your cards right,

you might get to meet the whole gang.

Bang, boom, they were showing lasers

every Friday night.

Champ here. I'm all about having fun.

You know,

get a couple of cocktails in me,

start a fire in someone's kitchen.

Maybe go to SeaWorld,

take my pants off.

Anyway, I've become kind of famous

for my signature catchphrase,

"Whammy!"

As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate

and whammy!"

Whammy!

I'm Brick Tamland.

People seem to like me

because I am polite and I'm rarely late.

I like to eat ice cream,

and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.

Years later, a doctor will tell me

that I have an IQ of 48

and am what

some people call "mentally retarded."

Hello!

- Marco!

- Polo!

- Brian.

- You having a good time?

- I'm having a great time.

- That makes two of us.

You've gotta meet this girl.

She used to be a Charger cheerleader,

but she broke her pelvis.

Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.

- Hey, Ron.

- Hello.

I've got a big story for you.

And it's right here.

Well, hello.

You pointed to your boobies.

Oh, my God, you did!

- Ron Burgundy?

- Yes?

I have had a crush on you

since I was a little girl.

Let's go somewhere.

I'm telling you,

it don't get no better than this.

We've been coming

to the same party for 12 years,

and in no way is that depressing.

By the beard of Zeus!

Excuse me.

Ron, where you going?

What, are you crazy? Ron!

If you're coming down the baseline,

you gotta take home plate from me!

So there I go, head first, boom!

I've lost her.

Hello.

Hope I'm not disturbing you,

but I saw you from across the party,

and I don't usually do this, but

I felt compelled to tell you something.

You have

an absolutely breathtaking heinie.

I mean, that thing is good.

I want to be friends with it.

Well, you certainly know

how to compliment a woman.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Do you know who I am?

No, I can't say that I do.

I don't know how to put this,

but I'm kind of a big deal.

Really?

People know me.

I'm very happy for you.

I'm very important.

I have many leather-bound books,

and my apartment

smells of rich mahogany.

I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too.

He comes over on occasion.

That's stupid.

No, no, that's very exciting.

Listen, can I... Can I start over again?

Sure.

I wanna say something.

I'm gonna put it out there.

If you like it, you can take it.

If you don't, send it right back.

I wanna be on you.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I...

I wanna be on you.

Baxter! Papa's home.

There he is. There's my little man.

You're okay?

Of course I met a lady tonight.

This one was different.

I have to be honest.

Quite different.

What?

I'm lonely? I'm not lonely!

I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego.

Wow.

You know

how to cut to the core of me, Baxter.

You're so wise.

You're like a miniature Buddha

covered in hair.

Come again?

You know I don't speak Spanish.

In English, please.

You pooped in the refrigerator?

And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?

How'd you do that?

I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

I forgive you.

What do you say we get you in your PJs

and hit the hay?

Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Oh, that was one crazy party.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote