Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Page #2

I am hung over.

Tell me about it.

I woke up this morning

and I sh*t a squirrel.

I mean it. Literally.

Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive.

So I got this sh*t-covered squirrel

down there in the office.

- Don't know what to name it.

- I'm sorry, Champ.

I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

All right, guys. Let's focus up.

Morning, everyone.

Here are the stories

we're going to be chasing today.

It looks like Ling Wong,

the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo,

is pregnant.

This is a big one.

This could be

the big story of the summer.

Network is gonna be wanting

plenty of coverage.

And speaking of network,

word on the street is

they're looking for a new anchor.

- So, Ron...

- Network? Are they here?

A lot of you have been hearing

the affiliates complaining

about a lack of diversity

on the news team.

What in the hell's diversity?

Well, I could be wrong,

but I believe Diversity is an old,

old wooden ship

- that was used during the Civil War era.

- That's right.

I would be surprised

if the affiliates were concerned

about the lack of an old wooden ship,

but nice try.

Diversity means

that times are changing,

and with that in mind...

- Ron, are you paying attention?

- Nope.

- This concerns all of us.

- Okay.

Keeping that in mind,

I'd like to introduce the latest addition

to the KVWN News Team,

directly from WYPN

in Asheville, North Carolina,

Ms. Veronica Corningstone.

Hello. Hello, everyone.

I just want you all to know

that I look forward to contributing

to this news station's

already sterling reputation.

I mean, come on, Ed! It's bull crap!

Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies.

They rev my engine,

but they don't belong in the newsroom!

It is anchorman, not anchorlady!

And that is a scientific fact!

I don't know what we're yelling about!

- Ron, what do you think?

- She... It's terrible!

She has beautiful eyes,

and her hair smells like cinnamon!

Loud noises!

All right, everyone relax.

She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.

I read somewhere

that their periods attract bears.

Bears can smell the menstruation.

Well, that's just great.

You hear that, Ed?

Bears. Now you're putting

the whole station in jeopardy.

I will say one thing for her, Ed,

she does have a nice, big old behind.

I'd like to put some barbecue sauce

on that butt

and just bite, bite, bite, bite,

munch, munch, munch!

Stop it! Oh, jeez.

Look at the full-moon butt!

Champ! Champ! Champ, Champ!

Mr. Harken, I was just wondering

if you knew

when my office would be ready.

Well, that might take some time.

For now, why don't you just

grab a desk in the bullpen?

You can use my office!

Then afterwards

maybe we can go to lunch!

Lower your voice, Ron.

All right. Thank you, Mr. Harken.

I'll go get my desk set up.

Oh, she is a saucy mama!

I mean, I would...

Here we go again.

Every station it"s the same.

Women ask me how I put up with it.

Well, the truth is,

I don"t really have a choice.

This is definitely a man"s world.

But while they"re laughing

and grab-assing,

l"m chasing down leads

and practicing my non-regional diction.

Because the only way to win

is to be the best.

The very best.

Touchy situation.

I think the best thing to do

with this Corningstone,

to keep her in line, is bed her quick.

That behind is driving me ioco!

I'm like a night wolf.

Guys, take it easy. Just take it easy!

- She's got feelings, too.

- Oh, my God!

Listen to Burgundy.

He's gone soft on us,

like some schoolboy b*tch.

You sound like a gay.

Hey! Come on!

It's me, Papa Burgundy, all right?

As far as I'm concerned,

Corningstone's fair game.

Let the games begin!

There he is. There he is.

I'm very aroused.

What's this?

Well, well, well.

Ron Burgundy

and the Channel 4 News Team.

Hello, Wes Mantooth.

Hello, Evening News Team.

Nice clothes, gentlemen.

I didn't know the Salvation Army

was having a sale.

Am I right? Look at these guys.

Hey, where did you get those clothes?

At the toilet store?

What are you doing

on our station's turf, Burgundy?

You're about to get

a serious beat-down.

I will smash your face

into a car windshield

and then take your mother,

Dorothy Mantooth,

out for a nice seafood dinner

and never call her again!

Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

You understand me?

- Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

- Hey.

Leave the mothers out of this, all right?

It's unnecessary.

Besides, I'm sure Wes here

is just upset over finishing second

in the ratings again.

That's completely

uncalled for, Burgundy.

You know

those rating systems are flawed.

They don't take into account

houses that have

more than two television sets

and other things of that nature.

I guess I have to take you

at your word, Number Two.

You have a great day, fellas.

We'll see you around the bend.

Son of a b*tch!

Excusez-moi, Numro Two.

Hey, Burgundy.

You know those sample audiences

aren't big enough!

Stop hiding behind

those phony numbers, Burgundy!

I'm coming after you!

I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!

You can't say one word?

Even the guy who can't think

says something!

You guys just stand there? Come on!

Right, but I think

my son is just going through a phase.

I have no idea where he would have

gotten ahold of German pornography.

But you and I are mature adults.

We've both seen our share

of pornographic materials.

Oh, you never have?

Of course you haven't,

how stupid of me. Neither have I.

I was just speaking in generalities.

I'll stop by the school a little later,

Sister Margaret. Bye.

Ed, she insisted on coming in.

Mr. Harken, sir,

I will not have my first story

at this news station

be about a cat fashion show.

Miss Corningstone, ma'am,

you will do the stories

to which you are assigned.

Mr. Harken, I am

a damn good journalist,

and this cat show thing

is grade-A baloney.

It is not baloney.

Now, go do your job, missy!

It is baloney!

Hey, Ron,

I'm gonna take a run at the new girl.

Let the games begin.

Oh, Champ, Champ,

we're not really gonna actually do that.

- We were just flapping our gums.

- Oh, yeah.

You kill me, Burgundy.

Let me just grab this.

Oh, sorry about that.

Whammy.

- Champ?

- Yeah.

You're trying to touch my breasts,

aren't you?

What can I say?

I like the way you're put together.

What do you say we go out on a date?

Have some chicken, maybe some sex.

You know, see what happens?

Oh, let me get this over here.

Sorry. Oh, there it is.

I'll give this little cookie an hour

before we're doing the no-pants dance.

Time to musk up.

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me.

What cologne you gonna go with?

London Gentleman, or...

Wait. No, no, no. Hold on.

Blackbeard's Delight.

No, she gets a special cologne.

It's called Sex Panther by Odeon.

It's illegal in nine countries.

Yep, it's made with bits of real panther.

- So you know it's good.

- It's quite pungent.

Oh, yeah.

It's a formidable scent.

It stings the nostrils.

- In a good way.

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