Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Page #3

- Yep.

I'll be honest with you.

That smells like pure gasoline.

They've done studies, you know.

- That doesn't make sense.

- Well...

Let's go see

if we can make this little kitty purr.

Hey, sweet cheeks.

Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.

My God. What is that smell?

Oh!

That's the smell of desire, milady.

God, no, it smells like...

Like a used diaper

filled with Indian food.

Oh! Excuse me.

Desire smells like that to some people.

What is that?

Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!

It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

- Oh.

- Oh, hell, that's rank!

Oh, what's that smell?

This is worse than the time

the raccoon got in the copier.

Yeah.

It's very distracting.

- When we get to the pet shop...

- Cough!

Look over here.

Excuse me, Veronica.

Yes, what is it, Brick?

I would like to extend to you

an invitation to the pants party.

Excuse me?

The party. The pants...

With the pants. Party with pants?

Brick, are you saying

that there's a party in your pants

and I'm invited?

That's it.

Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?

No... Yes, he did.

Okay. No, I don't want to go

to a party in your pants.

Very well. Lan?

Would you like to go to a party

in my pants?

No, Brick.

All right. Let's go!

All right, now...

It's all right! I'm all right!

I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.

A real ice queen.

I just burned my tongue.

The only way to bag a classy lady

is to give her two tickets

to the gun show

and see if she likes the goods.

One thousand one, one thousand two.

- Mr. Burgundy?

- One thousand three.

Helen said that you needed to see me?

Oh, Miss Corningstone.

I wasn't expecting company.

Just doing my workout.

Tuesday's arms and back.

- You asked me to come by, sir.

- Oh, did I?

Yes.

Oh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep.

I can barely lift my right arm

'cause I did so many.

I don't know if you heard me counting.

I did over 1,000.

You have your ubulus muscle

that connects to the upper dorsinus.

It's boring, but it's part of my life.

I'm just gonna grab this shirt,

if you don't mind.

Just watch out for the guns.

They'll get you.

You are pathetic.

This has to be the feeblest pickup

attempt that I have ever encountered.

I expected it from the rest of them,

Mr. Burgundy, but not from you.

Wait a minute! I... Pickup attempt?

I'm offended.

I have little time to get to the gym,

so I have to sculpt my guns at the office.

Oh, stop calling your arms "guns."

Look.

My plan was to ask you

if I could squire you about town

as one professional

helping another professional,

because I know what it's like

to be lonely in a new city.

- Really?

- Yes.

But now I am too hurt.

And shocked and offended and hurt.

I could do that.

- Really?

- Well, yes.

As a journalist, I should get to know

the city that I'm covering.

- But this is not a date.

- No, of course not.

- Strictly professional.

- Wonderful.

Great.

Shall I pick you up 8:00?

Downstairs?

Mr. Burgundy, you have

a massive erection.

Really?

Yes, I do.

I'm sorry, it's the... It's the pleats.

It's actually an optical illusion.

It's the pattern on the pants.

It's not flattering in the crotchal region.

I'm actually taking them back right now.

Taking them back to the pants store.

This is awkward.

I'm gonna walk...

I'm gonna walk this situation off

and I will see you later.

Nothing to look at.

Go back to work, everyone.

Don't act like you're not impressed.

Don't look at me right now.

I'm walking around the office.

My new walk.

I have a situation right now

I'm trying to walk off.

Frame up two.

- Let"s go to Brian Fantana live...

- Gimme a tighter one on two.

...with a Channel 4 News exclusive.

Brian?

Panda watch. The mood is tense.

I have been

on some serious, serious reports,

but nothing like this.

Ching... King is inside now.

I tried to get an interview,

but they said, "You can't.

"He's a live bear.

He will literally rip your face off."

Hey! You're making me look stupid!

Get out here! Panda jerk!

Great story. Compelling and rich.

That's gonna do it for all of us

at Channel 4 News.

You stay classy, San Diego.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

Damn it! Who typed a question mark

on the Teleprompter?

For the last time,

anything you put on that prompter,

Burgundy will read.

Oh, God, this is a mistake.

This is a mistake.

He's very cute. Very cute.

No, he's not. He's hairy.

There she is! Veronica!

My little china doll.

- I am full of it tonight.

- Oh, silly. Hi.

You look ravishing.

It truly is beauty and the beast.

I might add a handsome beast at that.

Are you ready for our rendezvous?

- It's not a date.

- No, strictly professional.

Doesn't mean we can't have fun.

- Shall we?

- Yes.

San Diego.

Drink it in. It always goes down smooth.

What a beautiful view, Mr. Burgundy.

I know. I love this city. It's a...

It's a fact.

It's the greatest city

in the history of mankind.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904.

They named it San Diago,

which of course in German means

a whale's vagina.

No, there's no way that's correct.

I'm sorry. I was trying to impress you.

I don't know what it means.

I'll be honest. I don't think

anyone knows what it means anymore.

Scholars maintain that the translation

was lost hundreds of years ago.

Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

No. No.

No, that's what it means.

- Really.

- Well, agree to disagree.

May I take your order?

Yes, I am going to have

three fingers of Glenlivet

with a little bit of pepper,

and some cheese.

Very good.

A Manhattan,

and kick the vermouth in the side

with a pair of steel-toed boots.

- Certainly.

- Thank you, Scott.

Thank you.

Wow. Quite a drink order.

Oh, well, when in Rome.

Yes?

Please, go on.

Do as the Romans do?

- It's an old expression.

- Oh! I've never heard of it.

It's wonderful, though.

Mr. Burgundy.

- Tino! How are you?

- So good to see you.

You're looking fantastic.

Tino, Veronica.

Veronica. What a pretty girlfriend.

- Drinks are on Tino tonight.

- No, no, no.

We're work associates.

I work at the station.

- I'm a journalist.

- Oh, okay. This is a good guy.

Tino's the finest club owner in the city.

- My best friend, right?

- Yes.

Yes, we have a saying in my country

about people like him.

"The coyote of the desert

"always likes to eat

the heart of the young,

"where the blood drips down to children

for breakfast, lunch and dinner,

"only the ribs will be broken in two."

- Tino.

- Okay.

Well, Mr. Burgundy, we will be honored

if you will play "yazz" flute for us.

- I can't.

- Please.

You play jazz flute?

- I dabble.

- Oh.

Would everyone love to hear

Ron Burgundy play "yazz" flute?

- Get it going, Ronnie!

- Yes! Please.

You, on stage now.

Okay, I guess I can play a little ditty.

- Honestly, I'm...

- Come on.

- Give him a hand.

- I'm not prepared. Not at all.

- Yeah!

- This is a surprise, I'll tell you.

Guys, East Harlem Shakedown, E tlat?

Keep the cymbals splashy,

and, Jay,

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