And Now for Something Completely Different

---

In this picture

there are 47 people.

None of them can be seen.

In this film,

we hope to show you...

how not to be seen.

This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw

of Napier Court...

Blackline Road, London, SE 14.

He cannot be seen.

Now I'm going to ask him

to stand up.

Mr. Bradshaw,

will you stand up, please?

This demonstrates

the value of not being seen.

In this picture, we cannot see

Mrs. B. J. Smegma...

of 13 The Crescent, Belmont.

Mrs. Smegma,

will you stand up, please?

This is Mr. Nesbitt

of Harlow. Newtown.

Mr. Nesbitt,

will you stand up, please?

Mr. Nesbitt has learned

the first lesson of not being seen:

not to stand up.

However, he has chosen

a very obvious piece of cover.

Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely,

The Burrows. Oswald Street...

has presented us with a poser.

We do not know

which bush he is behind.

But we can soon find out.

Yes. It was the middle one.

Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull...

chose a very cunning way

of not being seen.

When we called at their house, we found

they had gone on two weeks holiday.

However, a neighbor told us

where they were.

And here is the neighbor

who told us where they were.

And here is where he lived.

And this is

where he was born.

And now for something

completely different.

Oh. Good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen...

we apologize that the feature was

not quite as long as we'd anticipated.

Therefore,

there will be a short interval.

In the meantime, we are pleased

to be able to show you a short film...

starring a man

with a tape recorder up his nose.

And now... And now

a film starring a man...

with a tape recorder

up his brother's nose.

And now in stereo

Thank you.

That is the end of the interval.

Will you kindly return

to your seats?

We will now be proceeding

with the program as advertised.

Darling, you were wonderful.

Oh, really?

In 1971 the British Empire

lay in ruins.

Foreigners frequented the streets,

many of them Hungarians.

Not the streets.

The foreign nationals.

Anyway, many of these Hungarians went

into tobacconist's to buy cigarettes.

There you are, sir.

Thank you.

Good morning, sir.

"I will not buy this record.

It is scratched."

I'm sorry?

I will not buy this record.

It is scratched."

Oh, no, no, no.

This is a tobacconist's.

Tobacconist's.

"I will not buy this tobacconist's.

It is scratched."

No. Tobacco.

Um, cigarettes.

Cigarettes?

- "My hovercraft is full of eels."

- What?

"My hovercraft

is full of eels."

- Ah, matches.

- Yeah! Matches.

- "Do you want..."

- "Do you want."

Want.

"Do you want to come back to my place?

Bouncy, bouncy."

That'll be

six shillings, please.

"If I said you had a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?"

"I am no longer infected."

May I?

Costs six shillings.

Help!

- What's all this. Then?

- "You have beautiful thighs."

- What?

- He hit me.

"Drop your panties, Sir Arthur.

I can not wait till lunchtime!"

- Right!

- "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!"

The Hungarian gentleman

was subsequently released...

but his information led to the arrest

and trial of the real culprit.

I am.

You are hereby charged

that on the 28th day of May...

you did will fully

and with malice aforethought...

publish an alleged

English-Hungarian phrase book...

with intent to cause

a breach of the peace.

- How do you plead?

- Not guilty.

Mr. York, on the 28th of May...

- you published this phrase book.

- I did.

With Your Lordship's permission,

I would like to quote an example.

The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you

direct me to the railway station?"...

is here translated

by the English phrase...

"Please fondle my buttocks."

"Please fondle...

my buttocks."

Ah, yes.

It's past the post office...

and then left at the light.

Left at lights.

Meanwhile, not far away...

Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were

about to enter an unfamiliar office.

Next.

Oh. Are you the marriage

guidance counselor?

- Yes. Good morning.

- Morning.

And... good morning

to you, madam.

- Name?

- Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey.

And what is the name of your...

ravishing wife?

Wait. Don't tell me.

It's... It's something

to do with moonlight.

Goes with her eyes.

It's soft and gentle...

warm and yielding.

Deeply lyrical, and yet...

tender and frightened,

like a tiny, white rabbit.

It's Dierdre.

What a beautiful name.

What a beautiful...

beautiful name.

And what seems to be the trouble

with your marriage, Mr. Putey?

It started when we went

to Brighton on holiday together.

Dierdre - that's my wife - and I,

we've always been close companions...

and I never particularly

anticipated any marital strife.

The very idea of consulting

a professional marital advisor...

has always been of

the greatest repugnance to me.

Although, far be it from me

to impugn the nature of your trade or...

or profession.

- Do go on.

- We've always been close companions...

sharing the interests,

the gardening, the holiday money.

Twice a month of an evening, we settle

down to do the accounts together...

something which Dierdre -

that's my wife -

and I particularly look forward to

on account of her feet.

I should have said at the start that

I noted for having a grand sense of humor.

Although I've kept myself very much

to myself over the last couple of years.

It's only been as comparatively recently

as recently that I've begun to realize--

Well, perhaps "realize"

is too strong a word.

Uh, imagine that, uh,

I was not the only thing in her life.

You suspected your wife?

Well...

frankly, yes.

A bit.

Her behavior did seem to me--

Her behavior did seem to me.

who was there to see...

to be a little odd.

- Odd?

- To an extent.

I'm not by nature

a suspicious person.

I've got a reputation of an after-dinner

speaker, if you get my meaning.

I certainly do.

And in the area where people know me,

I'm very well known.

- Fine. Would you--

- Certainly.

It was time to face the facts,

stop beating about the bush...

or I'd never be able to look myself

in the bathroom mirror again.

Would you mind running along for 10--

make it 20 minutes. All right?

Yes. I'll wait outside,

shall I?

Yes, that-that's perhaps

the best thing.

Certainly set my mind at rest

on one or two scores there.

Arthur Putey!

Are you a man or a mouse?

You've been running too long,

Arthur Putey.

It's time to stop, time to turn

and fight like a man.

Go back in there,

Arthur Putey.

Go back in there

and pull your finger out.

Yes! Yes, you're right.

This is it, Arthur Putey!

This is your moment,

Arthur Putey!

At last you're a man!

Come out of there. Dierdre!

I know you're in there.

- Go away!

- Righto.

Oh, what a lovely little

Oh, what a lovely little--

- Oh, what a lovely little--

- Stop it! Stop right there!

This is absolutely disgusting,

and I'm not going to stand for it!

There. Kill

Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow

this sort of smut on the screen.

This depraved and degrading spectacle

is going to stop right now.

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