And Now for Something Completely Different Page #2

---

- Do you hear me? Stop it!

- Damn I Just when it was getting good.

Evening, squire.

You married?

- Yes.

- I'm a bachelor myself.

Is-- Is your wife a goer?

Eh? Know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge.

- Know what I mean? Say no more.

- I beg your pardon?

Your wife, does she go? Eh?

Know what I mean? Does she go?

- She sometimes goes.

- I'll bet she does.

Say no more.

Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

- I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

- Follow me.

That's good. A nod's as good

as a wink to a blind bat.

- Look, are you selling something?

- Selling. Selling. Very good.

Know what I mean?

Oh, wicked. You're wicked, eh?

Nudge, nudge.

A nod's as good as a wink

to a blind bat.

- But...

- Your wife a sport, eh?

- She likes sport, yes.

- I bet she does.

She's very fond of cricket.

Who isn't, eh?

Likes games.

Knew she would.

Who doesn't. Eh?

She's been around a bit. Eh?

She's traveled.

She's from Purley.

Oh! Say no more.

Know what I mean?

Say no more.

Your wife interested in,

uh, photography, eh?

"Photographs, eh?"

he asked him knowingly.

- Photography?

- Yeah. Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge.

- Holiday stamps?

- Could be taken on holiday. Could be.

Swimming costumes.

Nudge, nudge.

- Candid photography.

- No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Oh. Still.

Look, are you trying

to insinuate something?

- Yes.

- Well?

Well, I mean,

you're a man of the world, aren't ya?

I mean, you know, you've, uh...

you've been around. You've been there.

- What do you mean?

- Well, you know, you've...

You've done it, uh, with a lady.

- You've slept with a lady.

- Yes.

What's it like?

Well, I think it's overrated.

Shut up, you!

- Good evening, class!

- Good evening.

- Where's all the others, then?

- They're not here.

I can see that!

What's the matter with'em?

- Don't know.

- Perhaps they've got flu.

Flu! They should eat

more fresh fruit!

Right! Now, self-defense!

Tonight I shall be carryin' on

from where we got to last week...

when I was showin' you how to

defend yourselves against anyone...

who attacks you armed

with a piece of fresh fruit.

- You said we wouldn't do fruit again.

- What do you mean?

We've done fresh fruit

for the last nine weeks.

What's wrong with fruit?

You think you know it all, eh?

Can't we try something else?

Like someone who attacks you

with a pointed stick.

Pointed stick?

We want to learn how to defend ourselves

against pointed sticks, do we?

Gettin' all

high and mighty, eh?

Fresh fruit not

good enough for you, eh?

Well, let me tell you

somethin', my lad!

When you're walkin' home tonight

and some great homicidal maniac...

comes after you with a bunch of

loganberries, don't come cryin' to me!

Right!

And now the passion fruit.

When your assailant lunges at you

with a passion fruit, like thus--

- We done the passion fruit.

- What?

- We've done the passion fruit.

- We done oranges, apples, grapefruits...

- Whole and segments.

- Greengages, pomegranates.

- Grapes, passion fruit.

- Lemons.

- Plums.

- And mangoes in syrup.

- How about cherries?

- We done them.

- Red and black?

- Yes.

All right, then.

Bananas. We haven't

done bananas, have we?

- No.

- Right!

How to defend yourself

against a man armed with a banana!

Catch. Now, it's quite simple

to deal with a banana fiend.

First of all, you force him

to drop the banana.

Then you eat the banana,

thus disarming him.

You have now

rendered him helpless!

- Suppose he's got a bunch.

- Shut up.

- Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

- Shut up!

Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot.

- Harrison.

- Sorry. Mr. Harrison.

Come at me with that banana.

Be as vicious as you Iike with it.

Come on. Attack me!

No, no, no!

Put something into it, for God's...

Hold the banana like that.

That's better.

Now scream.

Good. Right.

Now attack me.

Come on, man,

attack me!

Next, I eat the banana.

Now, I would just like

to point out...

that this film is displaying

a distinct tendency to become silly.

Now, nobody likes

a good laugh more than I do.

Except, perhaps,

my wife and some of her friends.

Oh, yes,

and Captain John son.

Come to think of it, most people

like a good laugh more than I do.

But that's beside the point. I'm warning

this film not to get silly again.

Right. Now, Director,

on the command "Cut"...

cut to the next scene.

- Director...

- This is a frightened city.

Wait for itl

Director, cut!

This is a frightened city.

Over these streets, over these houses,

hangs a pall of fear.

An ugly kind of violence is rife,

stalking the town.

Yes, gangs of old ladies

attacking fit, defenseless young men.

They just come up to you

and push you, like.

Shove you off the pavement. There's

usually about four or five of them.

Yeah, sometimes

it's three or four of them.

It's not even safe to go out

down to the shops anymore.

Grannies are no respecter

of race, creed or sex.

Theirs is a harsh.

ruthless world...

a tough world, a world in which

the surgical stocking is king.

But what are they in it for,

these senile delinquents...

these layabouts in lace?

- Oh, the violence.

- The prestige, mainly.

- The free gifts.

- Poking the knee in the groin.

We like pulling the heads

off sheep.

And tea cakes.

We have a Iot of trouble with grannies.

Pension day is the worst.

Soon as they get it,

they blow the lot...

on milk, tea, sugar,

a tin of meat for their cat.

The whole crux

of the problem, uh...

lies in the basic

dissatisfaction...

of these senile delinquents

with the world as they find it.

They begin to question, uh,

the values of their society.

They see their sons

and daughters growing up...

to become accountants, uh,

solicitors, sociologists even.

And they begin to wonder,

"Is it all worth it? Is it all..."

Another prime target for vandalism

is telephone boxes.

But mostly,

they just live for kicks.

But there are other kinds

of violence abroad...

other gangs, equally vicious,

equally determined...

such as the baby snatchers.

Hey What is this?

Hey! Help!

I left him outside for a few moments

while I got some Brillo Pads.

When I came back, he was gone.

He was only 48!

And also vicious gangs

of "Keep Left" signs.

Right! Stop that!

It's silly.

Very silly, indeed.

It started off as a nice little idea

about old ladies attacking young men...

but now it's just got silly.

His hair's too long

for a vicar too.

And you can tell those are not proper

"Keep Left" signs. Clear off, the lot of you!

You, come with me.

Right. Now Iet's see something decent

and military:
some precision drilling.

Squad! Camp it up!

Ooh, get her! Whoops!

I've got your number, but you

couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.

I'll scratch your eyes out.

Don't come the bigger

dear b*tch with us. dear.

We all know where you've been,

you military fairy, two, three.

One, two, three, four,

five, six.

Whoops!

Don't look now, girls.

The maid is just mince

in that jolly color, Sergeant.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes