And Now for Something Completely Different Page #3

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Two, three. Ooh!

Right! Stop that. Silly.

And a bit suspect, I think.

Time for a cartoon.

Once upon a time...

there was an enchanted prince...

who ruled the land

beyond the Wobbles.

One day he discovered

a spot on his face.

Foolishly, he ignored it.

And three years later,

he died of cancer.

The spot, however, flourished...

and soon set out

to seek its fortune.

Agnes, did you just see

who moved in next door?

Yes. Black as the ace of spades,

they were.

Oh, well,

there goes the neighborhood.

Oh, yes.

Next, please.

One at a time, please.

There is only me, sir.

So there is.

Take a, um...

- Seat?

- Seat. Take a seat.

So, you want to join

my mountaineering expedition, do you?

Who, me, sir?

- Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.

- Jolly good.

And how about you?

There is only me, sir.

Well, bang goes

his application then.

Now, let me fill you in.

I'm leading this expedition...

and we're going to climb

both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.

I thought there was

only one peak, sir.

Well. That I save a bit of time.

Well done.

Now, the object of

this year's expedition...

is to see if we can find any trace

of last year's expedition.

- Last year's expedition?

- Yes. My brother was leading that.

They were going to build a bridge

between the two peaks.

My idea, I'm afraid.

I ought to tell you that I have almost

everyone I need for this expedition.

But what special qualifications

do you have?

- Well, sir...

- Yes, you first.

- There is only me, sir.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- Carry on.

- I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.

Mountaineer?

Mouse. Moun...

Mountaineer:
two men skilled

at climbing a mountain.

By Jove, that'd be useful.

Well, you're in.

Congratulations.

Both of you.

Now, what are your names?

Arthur Wilson.

Well, look.

I'll call you Arthur Wilson One

and you Arthur Wilson Two...

just to avoid confusion.

Are you actually leading

this expedition?

Yes, we are leading

this expedition to Africa.

- What routes will you both be following?

- Good questions.

We'll be leaving on one or other

of the January the 22...

and taking the following routes:

from Manchesters,

down through Oxfords...

taking the M1.5

through Londons to Purleys...

then the A25s

from Purleys to Dovers.

Thence Africas to Nairobis.

We take the south roads out of Nairobis

for about 12 miles and then ask.

- Does anyone speak Swahili?

- Most of them do down there.

No. Does anyone in our party

speak Swahili, sir?

- Well, Matron's got a smattering.

- Apart from the two Matrons.

Good Lord.

I forgot about her.

Apart from them, who else

is coming on our expedition?

Well, we've got

the Arthur Brown twins,...

two botanists called Madchen,

the William Johnston brothers...

- Two of them.

- Four. Pair of identical twins.

Two of the Harry Baker quads

and you two.

- And none of these are mountaineers?

- Well, you two are.

And we've got a brace of guides

called Jimmy Blankensoft...

because Kilimanjaro

is a pretty tricky climb.

Most of it's up,

till we reach the very top...

and then it tends

to slope away rather sharply.

But Jimmy's put his heads together

and worked out a way up. Jimmy

Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson.

Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blankensoft.

Jimmy Blankensoft Two,

Arthur Wilson Two.

Arthur Wilson Two,

Jimmy Blankensoft One.

- Carry on, Jimmy.

- Don't worry about the...

We'll get him up, all right.

Well, I'd better describe the route.

We start off simply up Kilimanjaro...

Quite simple.

No problem there, basically.

And then we go on to

the main face itself of Kilimanjaro.

It's a bit difficult

here because...

There's a difficult bit 'round here

when you've got to go...

from the end of the mantel-piece

onto the coffee table.

It's a bit of a difficult jump.

We don't need those.

Then you've got the rail up here,

which is quite a good fortune.

There's a terribly easy bit

over the floor up onto the chair.

And then we've got...

We get down.

We go quite simplistic.

He'll be Ieading

the first assault.

I'm afraid I shan't be coming

on your expedition, sir...

'cause I have absolutely no confidence

in anyone involved in it!

Oh. dear.

- What about you?

- I'm game, sir.

Jolly good.

Good Lord!

And now for something

completely different.

- Inspector!

- Yes, sir?

I was sitting on a park bench

and I put my coat down.

When I picked it up, I found my wallet

had gone and 15 had been stolen.

- Did you see anyone?

- No, no one at all.

Well, there's very little

we can do about that, sir.

Do you want to come back

to my place?

Yeah, all right.

And so Miss Spume

returned to her typing...

and dreamed

her little dreamy dreams...

unaware of the cruel trick

fate had in store for her.

For Miss Spume was

about to fall victim...

of the dreaded international

Chinese communist conspiracy

Yes, these fanatical fiends...

under the leadership

of the so-called Mao Tse-tung...

had caught Miss Spume off guard

for one brief but fatal moment...

and destroyed her...

just as they are ready to go

anytime free men anywhere...

waver in their defense

of democracy.

Once again, American defense...

proves its effectiveness

against international communism.

Using this diagram of a tooth

to represent any small country...

we can see how

international communism works...

by eroding away from within.

When one country, or tooth...

falls victim to international communism,

its neighbors soon follow.

In dentistry, this is known

as the domino theory.

But with American defense,

the decay is stopped before it starts.

That's why nine out of ten

small countries choose American defense.

Or Crelm toothpaste

with the miracle ingredient Frauduline.

The white car represents

Crelm toothpaste...

with the miracle ingredient

Frauduline.

The not-white car represents

another toothpaste.

Both cars provide 30% protection.

At 60% protection,

both cars are doing well.

At 90% protection... Wait.

The not-white car is out...

and Crelm toothpaste goes on

to win with 100% protection.

Yes. Do like all smart motorists.

Choose Crelm toothpaste!

Or Shrill petrol,

with the new additive GLC-9424075,...

after 6:
00 p.m., 9424047.

Using this white card

to represent engine deposits...

and this black card to represent

Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075,...

after 6:
00 p.m., 9424047...

we can see how the engine deposits

are pushed off the face of the earth...

by the superior forces

available to Sh--

This is the police.

We know you're in there,

so come out with your hands up.

You'll never take me alive

copper!

All right, then. Sergeant!

Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth.

Thank you, thank you,

Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth.

A smile, two fangs

and an "Excuse me".

And next tonight,

gentlemen and ladies...

here at the Peephole Club

for the very first time...

we're very proud to welcome...

Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice.

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

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