And Now for Something Completely Different Page #3
- PG
- Year:
- 1971
- 88 min
- 1,317 Views
Two, three. Ooh!
Right! Stop that. Silly.
And a bit suspect, I think.
Time for a cartoon.
Once upon a time...
there was an enchanted prince...
who ruled the land
beyond the Wobbles.
One day he discovered
a spot on his face.
Foolishly, he ignored it.
And three years later,
he died of cancer.
The spot, however, flourished...
and soon set out
to seek its fortune.
Agnes, did you just see
who moved in next door?
Yes. Black as the ace of spades,
they were.
Oh, well,
there goes the neighborhood.
Oh, yes.
Next, please.
One at a time, please.
There is only me, sir.
So there is.
Take a, um...
- Seat?
- Seat. Take a seat.
So, you want to join
my mountaineering expedition, do you?
Who, me, sir?
- Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
- Jolly good.
And how about you?
There is only me, sir.
Well, bang goes
his application then.
Now, let me fill you in.
I'm leading this expedition...
and we're going to climb
both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
I thought there was
only one peak, sir.
Well. That I save a bit of time.
Well done.
Now, the object of
this year's expedition...
is to see if we can find any trace
of last year's expedition.
- Last year's expedition?
- Yes. My brother was leading that.
They were going to build a bridge
between the two peaks.
My idea, I'm afraid.
I ought to tell you that I have almost
everyone I need for this expedition.
But what special qualifications
do you have?
- Well, sir...
- Yes, you first.
- There is only me, sir.
- I wasn't talking to you.
- Carry on.
- I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
Mountaineer?
Mouse. Moun...
Mountaineer:
two men skilledat climbing a mountain.
By Jove, that'd be useful.
Well, you're in.
Congratulations.
Both of you.
Now, what are your names?
Arthur Wilson.
Well, look.
I'll call you Arthur Wilson One
and you Arthur Wilson Two...
just to avoid confusion.
Are you actually leading
this expedition?
Yes, we are leading
this expedition to Africa.
- What routes will you both be following?
- Good questions.
We'll be leaving on one or other
of the January the 22...
and taking the following routes:
from Manchesters,
down through Oxfords...
taking the M1.5
through Londons to Purleys...
then the A25s
from Purleys to Dovers.
Thence Africas to Nairobis.
We take the south roads out of Nairobis
for about 12 miles and then ask.
- Does anyone speak Swahili?
- Most of them do down there.
No. Does anyone in our party
speak Swahili, sir?
- Well, Matron's got a smattering.
- Apart from the two Matrons.
Good Lord.
I forgot about her.
Apart from them, who else
is coming on our expedition?
Well, we've got
the Arthur Brown twins,...
two botanists called Madchen,
the William Johnston brothers...
- Two of them.
- Four. Pair of identical twins.
Two of the Harry Baker quads
and you two.
- And none of these are mountaineers?
- Well, you two are.
And we've got a brace of guides
called Jimmy Blankensoft...
because Kilimanjaro
is a pretty tricky climb.
Most of it's up,
till we reach the very top...
and then it tends
to slope away rather sharply.
But Jimmy's put his heads together
and worked out a way up. Jimmy
Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson.
Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blankensoft.
Jimmy Blankensoft Two,
Arthur Wilson Two.
Arthur Wilson Two,
Jimmy Blankensoft One.
- Carry on, Jimmy.
- Don't worry about the...
We'll get him up, all right.
Well, I'd better describe the route.
We start off simply up Kilimanjaro...
Quite simple.
No problem there, basically.
And then we go on to
the main face itself of Kilimanjaro.
It's a bit difficult
here because...
There's a difficult bit 'round here
when you've got to go...
from the end of the mantel-piece
onto the coffee table.
It's a bit of a difficult jump.
We don't need those.
Then you've got the rail up here,
which is quite a good fortune.
There's a terribly easy bit
over the floor up onto the chair.
And then we've got...
We get down.
We go quite simplistic.
He'll be Ieading
the first assault.
I'm afraid I shan't be coming
on your expedition, sir...
'cause I have absolutely no confidence
in anyone involved in it!
Oh. dear.
- What about you?
- I'm game, sir.
Jolly good.
Good Lord!
And now for something
completely different.
- Inspector!
- Yes, sir?
I was sitting on a park bench
and I put my coat down.
When I picked it up, I found my wallet
had gone and 15 had been stolen.
- Did you see anyone?
- No, no one at all.
Well, there's very little
we can do about that, sir.
Do you want to come back
to my place?
Yeah, all right.
And so Miss Spume
returned to her typing...
and dreamed
her little dreamy dreams...
unaware of the cruel trick
fate had in store for her.
For Miss Spume was
about to fall victim...
of the dreaded international
Chinese communist conspiracy
Yes, these fanatical fiends...
under the leadership
of the so-called Mao Tse-tung...
had caught Miss Spume off guard
for one brief but fatal moment...
and destroyed her...
just as they are ready to go
anytime free men anywhere...
waver in their defense
of democracy.
Once again, American defense...
proves its effectiveness
against international communism.
Using this diagram of a tooth
to represent any small country...
we can see how
international communism works...
by eroding away from within.
When one country, or tooth...
falls victim to international communism,
its neighbors soon follow.
In dentistry, this is known
as the domino theory.
But with American defense,
the decay is stopped before it starts.
That's why nine out of ten
small countries choose American defense.
Or Crelm toothpaste
with the miracle ingredient Frauduline.
The white car represents
Crelm toothpaste...
with the miracle ingredient
Frauduline.
The not-white car represents
another toothpaste.
Both cars provide 30% protection.
At 60% protection,
both cars are doing well.
At 90% protection... Wait.
The not-white car is out...
and Crelm toothpaste goes on
to win with 100% protection.
Yes. Do like all smart motorists.
Choose Crelm toothpaste!
Or Shrill petrol,
with the new additive GLC-9424075,...
after 6:
00 p.m., 9424047.Using this white card
to represent engine deposits...
and this black card to represent
Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075,...
after 6:
00 p.m., 9424047...we can see how the engine deposits
are pushed off the face of the earth...
by the superior forces
available to Sh--
This is the police.
We know you're in there,
so come out with your hands up.
You'll never take me alive
copper!
All right, then. Sergeant!
Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth.
Thank you, thank you,
Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth.
A smile, two fangs
and an "Excuse me".
And next tonight,
gentlemen and ladies...
here at the Peephole Club
for the very first time...
we're very proud to welcome...
Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice.
Thank you, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
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"And Now for Something Completely Different" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/and_now_for_something_completely_different_2824>.
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