And When Did You Last See Your Father? Page #2

---

There he is! Sleeping Beauty.

Blake, meet Sandra, our new maid.

Maid or housekeeper?

Skivvy! I'm joking.

- Let's just say one of the family.

- Pleased to meet you, Blake.

- You're Scottish.

- Oh, what gave you that impression?

- Whereabouts in Scotland?

- Glasgow.

- Oh, Glasgow.

- Ever been to Glasgow?

No. No, I haven't.

Right! Well, let me show you your room,

you can get settled in,

and then we'd like you to start

sweeping the chimneys. Just joking.

Follow me, quick as you like.

Mind the step.

On the left,

that's Blake's room.

Avoid at all costs, if I were you.

The last maid we had went in there,

haven't seen her since.

No, seriously, we do have some fun.

It was stupid, really.

You spend your life trying to avoid

someone, and then it's too late.

Why can't you talk to him now?

He's so doped up, I could be anyone.

I'm sure there'll be time.

Yeah, well, you haven't seen him,

have you?

No. No, I suppose not.

The kids are here.

Do you want to talk to them?

No, not just now, eh?

Really? 'Cause they want to talk to you.

Yeah, OK, put them on, will you?

- Miss you.

- You too.

He wants you to go through

all the papers.

He thinks I won't understand it.

I'll start tomorrow.

Good luck.

He's got every petrol receipt

since 1949 in there.

And then there's the workshop.

- You seen Sandra much?

- Now and then, yeah.

She's moved into the village.

One of those worker's cottages,

you know?

Divorced.

Why do you ask?

Just curious.

President Kennedy

meanwhile remains incorrigible,

and in a momentous decision, has

ordered an arms blockade of Cuba.

This government, as promised...

Missed a bit.

- You could help.

- Sorry. Busy.

- Oh yeah? Doing what?

- Busy smoking my fag.

- Give us a puff.

- No way.

- Go on.

- No.

- What if your dad finds out?

- He won't.

He will. Your dad's all-seeing.

- Like God.

- Omniscient, you mean?

Aye, omni-whatever.

Besides, it's bad for you,

gives you cancer.

So? We'll all be dead soon, anyway.

- Well, you're a little ray of sunshine.

- It's true.

If the Americans invade Cuba,

there'll be nuclear war by Friday.

Just think... dead.

And me, still a virgin.

Don't push your luck, Morrison.

You're still here then?

You're not running off?

I'm here for a while, Dad.

Yes, smashing. Smashing.

- I don't understand, what's it for?

- It's for sleeping outdoors.

It's like a normal sleeping bag,

but inside, a waterproof sleeve to keep

out the rain and condensation.

It will render the tent obsolete.

- You'll still get condensation inside.

- No, you won't, 'cause it's plastic.

- It's waterproof, see?

- But condensation's on the inside...

We'll find out when we put it

to the test, won't we, clever-clogs?

- I made two, see?

- What for?

One for me, one for you.

- Thought I'd take the car out.

- Oh, the... the...

The headlights don't work,

so make sure you're back before dark.

He was gonna take it into the garage.

Halfords.

What, love?

New headlights.

Halfords will be cheaper.

Herpes is all right.

It's easily sorted with antibiotics.

But gonorrhoea's a bastard.

Lots of the lads had it in the war.

Once you've seen what a dose of

gonorrhoea can do to a lad's tackle...

I've got pictures in books at home

that'd turn your stomach.

If there's another war

would you get called up?

I wouldn't have thought so.

There's not going be another war.

- You keeping an eye out for the police?

- Yes, Dad.

Self abuse, that's the thing

to be wary of.

- Dad, please...

- It seems like good fun, I know,

but it actually weakens the organ

for married life.

- Police car, right behind us, Dad!

- Really? Where?

Just... over there.

Very funny... very smart.

Bloody marvellous, isn't it?

If they drop the bomb on Leeds,

would it get us up here?

I wouldn't have thought so.

It's God's own country.

What about Mum and Gillian?

I think Mummy and Gillian

will be fine too.

What if they drop the bomb on Blackpool?

Why on earth would the communists

want bomb Blackpool, fathead?

Liverpool, then?

It's a bit bloody morbid,

this, isn't it?

Come on, lets go and find somewhere

to camp before it starts raining.

It's a lovely spot. Nice and sheltered,

river nearby for swimming.

- Shouldn't we go to a proper campsite?

- It's the English countryside.

We're English. It belongs to us.

Maybe we should pitch the tent first,

just to be on the safe side.

Is there a canvas bag in there, Blake?

- Yep, yep.

- What's in it?

- Tent pegs.

- No poles?

- No, just some pegs.

- Let's have a look.

Oh, blast! Hell, blast and damnation!

Why didn't you check, fathead?

- You packed the tent.

- You used it last, didn't you?

- No, I didn't. You...

- There's no point in arguing about it.

- What you doing?

- Right! Follow me!

- Can't we sleep in the car?

- Sleep in the car?

What's the point of us coming all

the way up here and sleeping in the car?

A hotel then?

Maybe we should just go home.

Look, hold that and stop moaning,

for God's sake.

Mummy says hello.

Pub was bloody miles away.

Felt a bit rude just to use the phone

so stayed for a swift half.

No sandwiches though.

Here you are, supper.

- Not hungry.

- Fair enough. Breakfast then.

Do you want to put the torch out, eh?

Save on batteries.

If you like.

- Night-night, Blake.

- Night.

Dad!

Oh, my book!

It could have been a lot worse.

How, exactly?

If our sleeping bags weren't waterproof.

They're not waterproof!

- They are waterproof.

- So why am I wet, then?

Well, not waterproof, water-resistant.

It's not funny.

- Where are we going?

- I thought I'd drive us up to Scafell.

Can't we just go home?

We've only just started!

Besides, the sun will burn this cloud

off in next to no time.

We can dry the tent out on a hedge,

have a picnic and find another spot.

What do you say?

The unrest followed

a radio broadcast in which Khrushchev

reiterated his command

missile bases...

I was listening to that!

No point in fretting.

We all have die sooner or later.

If our times up, our times up.

That's more like it. Smashing.

I'm not going swimming,

if that's what you're thinking.

- I'm wet enough, as it is.

- Right, budge over, you!

- What for?

- Time you learnt to drive.

You're joking?

What, here?

Here there's no one

for you to smash into.

Come on, budge over!

Very gently off the clutch.

No, gently! Gently! Stop!

First gear. Top left.

Top left, that's it. Come on.

Come on. Gently!

- Clutch! No, fathead, left foot.

- You told me...

That's it. Now gently.

Second into third.

That's it, that's it. Good.

Now gently away. Good.

Excellent. Now indicate.

Indicate right. Come on, indicate right!

- OK!

- Now, indicate left!

- Indicate left.

- What am I indicating for?

- Because you mustn't get in bad habits.

- There's no one here, Dad.

Come on! Hard round,

left hand down. That's it.

- Now, right hand down.

- Dad! Please!

Faster, don't worry about it.

Don't be scared, just go faster.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes