And When Did You Last See Your Father? Page #4

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He said he was looking for his shoes.

Why they'd be under our bed

he didn't explain.

Anyway, he's in his room now

in disgrace.

I think he's still awake.

Do you want to talk him?

Not right now, no.

- Still there?

- Mm-hmm.

So are you staying on?

- Of course I am.

- And you don't want us to come up?

Not right now.

It's just that I wish...

I wish I could be more involved,

somehow, that's all.

Well, you can't be, I'm sorry.

You sound very distant.

I've got to go.

- You don't want to talk?

- What about?

I don't know...

Things, your father, the situation.

- Why?

- I just thought it might help.

All right then, let's talk about

my father. You first, off you go.

You know, Blake, I know

that you're going through a lot.

That is no excuse

for being a complete bastard.

And the balls. They get trapped.

- How's that?

- Lovely, pet.

Better now?

Much better, pet.

We've been happy, haven't we?

We've got through it.

Lucky man. Lucky man.

- Chelsea versus Middlesbrough?

- Away win.

- Watford versus Southampton?

- Score draw.

Crystal Palace

versus Aston Villa?

No score draw.

- Spurs versus Liverpool?

- Home win.

Your grandpa had a little Austin,

BFX 709, which is

a Blackpool registration.

He bought it in Blackpool, and he was

going to a football match in Bolton,

his team, against Blackpool.

And the queue of traffic was dreadful.

He thought "Bugger this,

I'm gonna go down the outside."

And they were all hooting at him

and shouting at him.

And when he got to the end,

they saw his Blackpool number plate

and took him in the visitors' car park.

So he had watch the whole match

from the wrong end.

He wasn't best pleased.

We've had some fun, haven't we?

It's marvellous having you here.

And Gill and Blake.

If our purpose on this earth is to leave

it a better place for our children,

we haven't done badly, have we?

The shares all go in your mother's name.

The solicitor knows all about it.

Make sure your mother opens

the envelopes and signs all the forms.

And keep an eye on her, won't you?

- Don't disappear and leave it to Gill.

- Of course I won't.

- Tired?

- Too true.

It would be good to talk at some point,

wouldn't it?

When you feel up to it.

- What about?

- Dunno.

Past, I suppose. Family questions.

Sometime. Not today though, eh?

OK.

Not today.

Gentle as you like.

Remember, you're not hitting the ball,

just pushing it.

- Kissing it, really.

- You're doing it on purpose.

- What?

- You know what.

Oh, very good!

Close... yes.

Now...

...Morrison, Senior,

probably the most naturally gifted

golfer of his generation,

addresses the ball.

Slow backswing,

keeping his eye on the ball.

And it's on it's way,

over the humpback bridge,

into the round thing covered in shells,

out the other side...

And it's there!

It's there! Eight under par.

The championship. Well done, Blake.

You did your best,

but at the end of the day,

you were up against a better player.

I enjoyed that.

It would be a lovely hotel to run.

- Do you go camping?

- Oh, here he is.

This is Blake, my eldest.

This is Rachel.

What are you? A blue coat, red coat?

Much posher than that.

I'm your entertainments officer.

Oh, officer!

- Hello.

- Hi.

- He's hoping to go to university too.

- Oh, where to?

Maybe Nottingham, to read English.

Which strikes me as utterly pointless.

Where's the sense in that?

He can already read English

perfectly well as it is.

Arthur, you're such a philistine.

Your glass is empty. What can I get you?

- Technically, I'm on duty.

- A white wine.

Babycham for you, Blake?

Well... we'll just...

We'll just...

Your dad's wonderful.

Yeah, well, you

don't have to live with him.

How about you?

Are you still stuck with your parents?

Actually, my dad's dead.

Heart attack, last year.

That's why I'm here.

My mum thought it

would do me good to get away.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Were you close?

- Yes.

- Yeah?

- Yes, very.

I must just go and say hello.

"Actually, my dad's dead!"

Nice one.

Here you are. Scared her off, have you?

Looks like it, Dad.

I'll just take her this.

- Your wine, madam.

- Thank you very much.

Hey, what are you up to?

Just reading.

You ought to be careful.

You'll go blind.

From reading in the dark, I mean.

That's better.

Why can't you just share with mum?

It's more fun like this, chaps together.

We can have a laugh, can't we?

Oh, sorry.

- I woke you.

- It's all right.

How did you put up with it, Mum?

With what?

I don't know.

All that noise and the bluster

and the scams and the...

...Beaty being around all the time.

I just sometimes wonder, how you...

...put up with it all these years.

Well, I didn't.

Not always.

Dad's very groggy again.

I thought he was better.

We were chatting and he seemed better.

Well, that's all over now.

He's been having faecal vomiting.

I'm gonna have to change

the sheets, Blake.

I think I'm gonna need

a hand moving him.

Are you up to it?

Up.

Oh, blimey, Dad!

What have you been eating?

I think I'm gonna need you

to get him in the chair, Blake.

I'm just gonna get you up now.

Come on.

- Chair! Chair!

- It's all right, Dad. I've got you.

I won't let go. You're all right, Dad.

There you go. Safe now.

It's all right. It's all right.

I told you, didn't I?

You should have seen Blake,

sloshing around in the freezing

cold water in his underpants.

You weren't a happy camper,

were you, Blake?

No, Dad.

Excuse me for a moment, Rachel.

I have to see a man about a dog.

You're very lucky, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm very lucky.

Do you know what he calls my mother?

"Mummy."

I mean, what kind of a man

calls his wife "Mummy"?

- I think it's nice.

- I think it's creepy.

He's like a big kid.

He's never read a single book

all the way through.

As far as I can tell, he's been reading

Death on the Nile for the last 42 years.

There are more important things

in life than books.

Are there? I don't think so.

I think books are everything.

You want to be a writer?

Maybe... Ideally, I'd...

- Am I missing anything?

- It's all right. Doesn't matter.

It's not important.

Will you excuse me?

I need to see a man about a dog.

I hate...

I f***ing, f***ing, f***ing...

...hate him.

Just a few words, if I may?

As you know, the Morrisons

are leaving tomorrow,

so I'd like to take this opportunity

to say how marvellous it has been

to meet you all and say a very special

thank-you to the lovely Rachel Stein,

who's made it such a memorable holiday,

especially for my lad, Blake.

So... raise your glasses

if you would, please,

and drain them, doctor's orders,

as we say a special toast

to newfound friends.

Newfound friends.

Blake! April fool.

It was just a joke.

Blake! Blake!

Come back! Don't be like that.

Come and have a drink.

It was just a bit of fun.

Yeah, for you and your girlfriend,

maybe.

Honestly, an old man like you?

It's pathetic. You'd think Beaty

would be enough for you.

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