Angels in the Outfield

This is Forbes Field, in Pittsburgh.

And this is our national pastime,

the game of baseball...

... as played by the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I didn't know a thing about baseball.

My usual job was writing the "Household

Hints " column on the Ladies' Page...

... but the paper was running

a series of articles:

"What's Wrong with the Pirates?"

The Sports editor

wanted the woman's angle.

All I knew

was that Pittsburgh was losing.

This, I learned, was quite normal.

He's out!

The manager of the Pirates

was a large man named Guffy McGovern...

... who was always coming out

to discuss things with the umpire.

I was too far away to hear,

but he seemed upset, irritated.

Maybe even angry.

- What's the matter with you?

- He was safe by that much!

- Do you hear me?

- All right.

Watch your language

or I'll throw you out of the game.

There was certainly something wrong

with the Pirates.

Take that time

when Cincinnati was batting...

... and that Pirate player

got hit on the head with the ball.

That didn't seem right.

- You could've catch the ball!

Later in the game,

when the Pirates were hitting...

... and had a good chance to score,

well, even I knew three runners...

- ... on one base was too many.

- You're out! You're out!

Great, that's the first time you three guys

have been together all season.

The score at the end of the game

was Cincinnati 21...

... Pittsburgh 2.

- You through, Jenny?

- I haven't even started.

- How do you get a story?

- You hit them on a bad day.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, they had a good one back in 1938.

- Hey, maybe I should talk to McGovern.

- Now?

Yeah, that's a wonderful idea.

Everybody should talk to McGovern once.

- How do I get down there?

- You see that second tunnel there?

- Yeah.

- Go down.

The door on the right

is the Pirate clubhouse.

Thanks. Thanks for letting me sit here.

Anytime.

And Jen, give Guffy our best regards.

- I will. Bye.

- Bye.

What a dirty trick.

So ends another holocaust in Forbes Field.

The Pirates' exhibition this afternoon...

...reducing their standing to seventh place

in the National League.

By the way, I'll not be with you

for the balance of the season.

In the course of my sportscasts...

...I have somehow offended

the great Guffy McGovern...

...alleged manager of the Pirates.

Steps have been taken and briefly,

your announcer has been canned.

I'll still have my regular Tuesday-night

broadcast and Wednesday television...

...and I shall continue to call the plays

as I see them.

This is Fred Bayles saying,

"Thank you, Guffy McGovern."

- No, no, lady. You can't go in there.

- Press.

- No.

- Gangway.

Mr. McGovern, please.

Does he come out this way?

When he's dressed he does.

I'd like a story, so I think I'll wait.

Lady, he just lost a ball game, 21 to 2.

He's unhappy.

Can't win all the time.

I would like to say a few words about

today's endeavor with the Cincinnatis.

Of all the...

I think it was a waste of time

to send me.

I don't know the game

and I haven't any story.

But I can tell you

what's wrong with the Pirates...

...that McGovern person.

Of all the loudmouthed, offensive...

And all those nice, clean-cut young men

and the way he bullies them.

No wonder they make mistakes,

anybody would.

If you ask me, the Pittsburgh Pirates

would be a lot better off without him.

And so would the city of Pittsburgh.

- Hey, write it.

- Write what?

- What you think about McGovern.

- But he'd sue us.

Honey, compared to his real character,

it'll read like a testimonial.

Do your worst

and let me see it when you finish.

Well...

- Hi, Jen.

- Hi.

"Household Hints." Obituary Department.

Twelve more people kicked off today.

How was the game?

Anybody die out there?

- Just the Pirates.

- Listen to this:

"Ignatius A. Turnball, aged 77 years...

...passed away at his home today

following a..."

What a depressing job.

Think about me.

I have to write about Guffy McGovern.

Now, there's an obituary

I'd like to handle.

Mr. Kirney must have liked the story.

He even put my byline on it:

"By Jennifer Paige,

'Household Hints' editor. "

He wanted more of the same,

personal stuff about McGovern.

I realized I'd have to do a little sleuthing.

I found out where he lived...

... one furnished room and kitchenette

near the ballpark.

He had no known relatives,

never any visitors.

Every morning about 11:00,

he left for the field.

There were plenty of empty cabs

cruising around...

... but McGovern

wanted the one without the driver.

He would.

Hail a cab. Hail a cab.

This is the only hack in Pittsburgh?

- You like the color?

- You know the law, sonny.

You're supposed to stay with your cab.

Are you with it?

- Forbes Field, and make it snappy.

- The bums don't start until 1:30.

His afternoons were spent like this.

The only place he was seen in public,

outside the ballpark...

... was John's Steak House.

They had the best steaks in town.

Medium rare.

Yeah.

I'm going over and talk to him.

You'll make a nice item tomorrow.

"Jennifer Paige, age 24,

departed this world at approximately..."

Oh, stop. I came here to corner him,

didn't I?

Well, there he is, cornered.

- Waiter? A brandy for the lady.

- Yes, sir.

I'm Jennifer Paige.

Jennifer Paige.

I wrote that story about you this morning,

in the Messenger.

- You didn't read it?

- All I ever read is the box scores.

Well, I began this way, quote:

"Aloysius X. McGovern...

...the evil-tongued orator of the baseball

field, is a surly, unbred goat...

...whose mouth should be washed out

with a strong detergent."

Don't ever call me Aloysius.

You're not mad?

Dogs have fleas,

managers have sportswriters.

Oh, I'm not a sportswriter.

I do "Household Hints" on the Ladies' Page.

But I have a few facts and figures

about your...

Don't put so much ketchup on,

it spoils the flavor.

A few statistics

that might be interesting.

For instance, last season,

Minelli had a batting average of 0.310.

This year he had 0.210.

That's a hundred points' difference.

- Doesn't it prove something?

- I'll have to speak to Minelli.

Cruickshank's average is way down too,

93 points.

And Minden's and Begg's, it's the same

right through the whole batting list.

Where'd you gather this information?

Tim Durney helped me.

He's the Obituary editor.

What do you hear from Want Ads?

Well, I realize figures

can be misleading...

...but when an entire team

goes as sour as the Pirates...

...well, I look around for a reason,

and I look right at you.

What do you have to say, Mr. McGovern?

What did he say?

"Boo"?

Well, well, Guffy McGovern.

- How are things in seventh place?

- Fine, fine.

What do you do

with your afternoons now?

Thanks to you, I just signed a deal

to broadcast for the Giants...

...who, as you may have heard,

are leading the league.

Meanwhile, I'm just lying around,

thinking up things to say about you.

Catch me tonight, I'm on in an hour.

I can't wait.

I got a mission in life now, Guffy.

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