Angels in the Outfield Page #2

I'm gonna run you out of this town,

maybe right out of organized baseball.

- You wouldn't do that.

- Oh, yes, I would.

I'm a stinker.

Why don't we talk this over?

Let's step in here a minute, huh?

I got an exclusive for you.

Before I say good night,

I would like to reiterate...

...my opinions are those

of an unbiased observer...

...who has the best interest

of baseball at heart.

There is nothing personal in my feud

with Guffy McGovern.

Incidentally, don't look for me

on television tomorrow.

By asking questions,

I began to learn baseball.

Question:
What is a balk?

Answer:
See me tomorrow.

Question:
What is a rhubarb?

Answer:

Rhubarb.

You're out, McGovern!

You're out of the game.

And there you have it.

Final score:
Cincinnati 9, Pittsburgh 0.

The Pirates had a total of three hits,

seven errors.

The Reds, 14 hits...

Don't be so modest, Baxter.

You made two of those errors

all by yourself.

Why, what's the matter, Mr. Minden?

Did you think that was second base?

I'm certainly proud of you athletes today.

Particularly you, Mr. Ronson.

Our schoolboy star,

the pride of Milwaukee High.

But I worry about you, son.

You're gonna catch a fly ball some

of these days and knock your front teeth.

Cruicksie.

Cruicksie, you were fine.

You didn't fall down once.

And here we have the famous

Saul Hellman, our relief pitcher.

You fellas may not believe this...

...but Saul once pitched

a two-hitter in a World Series.

Of course, that was quite some time ago.

But he's still in there pitching.

One walk and four hits

on 10 pitched balls.

Don't you think

you're old for this pastime?

You should've quit winners

when you could reach the plate.

Easy, Saul.

I'm glad for one thing:

Today's game puts us in eighth place.

We can go no lower in this league.

We used to have a guy like that

in the Three-I League.

Put gunpowder in his cigarettes.

Hey, has McGovern always been like this?

You knew him in the minors, didn't you,

way back when?

Well, what I mean is, you know,

when you were first breaking in...

You can say it. Sixteen years ago.

You've got plenty of stuff left. Plenty.

Sure.

- Where's my good-luck piece?

- I put it in your uniform.

- Well, where is it?

- Maybe you dropped it out on the field.

Of all the empty-headed,

buck-brained trainers.

Don't tell me I lost that good-luck piece.

You've misplaced it somewhere

you dope, you...

Oh, shut up.

- What?

- Close your fat mouth. I wanna talk to you.

If that's some wise guy

on the PA system, I'll bust his snoot.

You'll bust nobody's snoot.

You've been busting snoots...

... and polluting the air

with your foul talk long enough.

Frankly, we're fed up.

- Do tell. And who are you, may I ask?

- An angel.

- How's that?

- I'm an angel.

Well, you must be very proud.

Let me get my hands on him.

I'll make him an angel.

Oh, you're cold, McGovern.

I never sit in the field boxes.

Where do you sit?

Usually on the right hand

of the archangel Gabriel.

- That name mean anything to you?

- Sure, sure, Gabriel. Trumpet player.

None of your lip,

or I'll boot you over the wall.

I can get just as tough as you, remember.

I'll murder this guy.

Cold, Guffy.

Oh, colder, still.

Now you're getting warm.

- Keep talking.

- The angel Gabriel's taken...

... a personal interest in you.

Someone down there has been

sending up prayers on your behalf.

Somebody praying for me? Gee.

- One punch, that's all I ask! One punch!

- Before he answers those prayers...

... he'd like to clean you up.

I'm stuck with the job.

There's certain rules.

I'll give them to you fast.

Number one, cut out the blasphemy.

Number two,

start treating your fellow men...

... with more respect and understanding.

Quit making life miserable

for everybody around you.

Number three, and this is important:

Love and stop slugging thy neighbor,

you hear me?

I hear you fine.

Why can't I see you for one moment?

Because I usually stay

as far away from you as possible.

- The bleachers.

- Stay where you are.

Stand still and listen

or I'll blast you with a bolt of lighting.

Now, don't rile me, boy. Just behave

yourself and we'll get along fine.

As a matter of fact,

I'll make a deal with you.

Lay off swearing and fighting,

and I'll win you some ball games.

I might even win you a pennant. You'd like

to win a pennant again, wouldn't you?

All right, you play ball with me,

and I'll play ball with you. How about that?

How do I know

you're what you say you are?

Thunder and lightning's not enough?

All right, Aloysius, you trusting soul.

Look for a miracle tomorrow night,

in the third inning.

- What kind of a miracle?

- Tomorrow night, in the third inning.

Hey, hey. Hey, where are you?

Wait a minute! Wait a...

Ronson?

You're out.

You're out.

Safe.

Out.

Yeah? What?

I was about to suggest that possibly

you erred on that decision.

- Get off the field.

- Yes, sir.

Nice going, big mouth.

The Pirates had come to life.

On the road, they won 10 games straight.

And stranger still,

McGovern was a changed man.

He hadn't punched a soul in two weeks.

The team was sixth

when they played the Braves in Boston.

It was the last inning.

The Pirates were winning 8 to 6.

A hard-fought game.

Boys, boys, please, take it easy.

Now, I'll handle this. Let me...

Get out of my way, you bowlegged ape.

You fetter-mouthed donkey,

you bucket head!

Well, McGovern, you sure talked your way

out of that one.

Ten straight games,

and you had to go and blow it.

- Now, look, l...

- Take off your hat.

Yes, sir.

- All I said this afternoon...

- I heard what you said. Don't repeat it.

- Now, look, the guy called me an ape.

- Bowlegged ape.

- Yeah.

- You are a little bowlegged.

What am I supposed to do,

take it as a compliment?

- Don't I get a chance to talk back?

- Certainly.

The English language

has a total of 698,000 words.

We ask you to avoid a hundredth

of one percent of these...

... which at the moment

seems to be your entire vocabulary.

- I'll be tongue-tied.

- Shakespeare wasn't.

Nor Milton or Robert Burns.

Study, McGovern. Study.

Okay. I keep my trap shut,

I win all my games?

Now, wouldn't that look a little silly,

the Pirates winning every game?

Yes, it would.

Besides, we have other things to do.

A lot of time, you'll be on your own.

But when you need us,

we'll be in there pitching.

Who's we?

Me and my boys,

the Heavenly Choir Nine.

- Ball players?

- Sure.

- In heaven?

- There's plenty of ball players in heaven.

- What do you know.

- But very few managers.

How do your boys help?

Oh, they sort of get behind your boys.

Throw out a few quick hunches.

Who's on your squad,

the Heavenly Choir?

We won't go into that.

But I don't mind telling you...

... that we have a team

batting average of 0.331.

- Good club.

- Not bad.

When your boys played baseball down here,

did I know any of them?

Did I know you?

We might have run into each other.

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