Angry Angel

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1

- Please make sure

your seatbelt is fastened.

We ask that you keep

your seatbelt fastened

while seated in case

we encounter

some unexpected turbulence.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey. [whistles]

You've lit the spark.

Might as well keep

the fire burning.

- Ma'am, I've just served you.

- I don't need anything

complicated--just another

one of these teeny tiny

bottles of bourbon--two.

Mm--three?

- I'll catch you

on the way back.

[mischievous string music]

- I used to be afraid

of flying.

I couldn't help but think

of how this big metal tube

was probably gonna crash

right back to Earth.

I still think about

how the plane might crash.

In fact, this one

actually will,

and I just don't care anymore.

My name's Allison Pyke--

at least, that's my name now.

And I'm already dead, so

I could crash all the damn day,

and I don't care at all.

[plane rattles,

passengers gasp and chatter]

[tense, discordant music]

There's a gremlin on the wing.

Kidding.

The engine's on fire.

[flames boom,

passengers scream]

- This is your captain

speaking.

We're having some

slight engine trouble,

and we'll be returning

to the airport shortly.

- What's happening?

- I don't know.

- Baby.

Baby, can you hear me?

Are you there?

Hello?

- Hey, any luck

on that bourbon?

I'm an angel now.

Yup, seriously.

But being an angel

isn't a reward.

It's a punishment.

Like, when you're an all-around

great person,

you die, you go up there.

When you're like a B, B-minus

person, you become an angel

and get a sentence on Earth,

and that sentence

is a number of points,

and you get points

when you perform a miracle.

It's a little like

a prison with time off

for good behavior.

You know,

but it could be worse.

I never flew first class

when I was alive.

Hell, I never got

out of Nebraska.

[doo-wop Christmas music]

The second I'm old enough,

I'm getting the hell out

of Nebraska.

- What's better than Nebraska?

- This is my best friend,

Patrick.

New York.

And this is me.

Yep, I used to be

a white girl with a uni-brow.

- I'd like to go to New York

and see the giant piano

from "Big."

- Fine.

Come.

Here. Open it.

- That our love

was all wrong

- Wow.

This is a truly terrible gift.

Something worse for you.

- This Christmas

- Wow!

These are the kind

truckers pee in.

I'm gonna go see if they work.

- So I was a weird white girl

with a uni-brow,

and somehow, I had no idea

Patrick had a major crush

on me...until a few

Christmases later.

[Tchaikovsky's "Dance of

the Sugar Plum Fairy"]

I'm sorry I'm late.

It's a commemorative

porcelain plate

featuring the portraits

of the members

of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

- Can I kiss you?

- In case you were wondering,

he got me a pair

of talking parrot earrings

and a case of iguana food.

I found my soul mate

when I was 15.

We were excited to spend

the rest of our lives

together,

which turned out

to be way shorter for me

than for Patrick.

But back to our story.

- We lost both the engines!

We're gonna make

an emergency landing!

- Here's a good travel tip:

they don't charge

for sandwiches on flights

if everyone thinks

they're gonna die.

- I love you so much.

I'll see you

in heaven, my angel.

- If only it were that easy.

[sighs]

Oh! Here we go.

- Brace for impact.

- We're gonna die.

- [scoffs] I wish.

[playful, thrilling music]

Hi, guys.

Sorry about this.

I'm taking over.

- It is truly a miracle

on the river.

- The hero pilot who saved

hundreds of lives

all by himself...

- So I landed in the river.

Sue me.

I'm not a professional pilot.

But they needed me.

They needed someone

who could get things done

and didn't care

if they lived or died...

'cause you can't die twice.

[phone chimes]

[sighs pleasantly]

This was 2008,

right after I had died.

40,000 down, 10,000 to go.

I was on my way out

of here in no time.

[festive jingling music]

But since then, my miracles

have slowed down...a lot.

Excuse me.

[scoffs] Excuse me.

The sidewalk is not wide.

You move your feet

to make it work.

One foot in front of the other.

You've done it your whole life.

Oh!

Here you are, sir.

Two points?

What are these papers?

Permits to demolish

an orphanage?

[phone chimes]

- Red and yellow

And blue and green

- Ugh, come on.

In the past nine years,

I've barely gained

any points at all.

Jason, my angel advisor,

thinks it's because

I have a bad attitude.

Other angels call me

a one-miracle wonder

behind my back.

You know, but I say screw them.

It's not my fault.

The Universe is against me.

Screw the Universe too.

- Christmas is

waiting for you

- And I just lost 15 points

for saying that.

Who knew the Universe

was so sensitive?

- I know it's a bummer you have

to work Christmas,

but there's going to be big

tips, so, you know,

there's that, okay?

- [whispering]

I don't ask for much.

You know, just that

you start work on time.

- Well, Connie, I told you,

with my schedule,

I need a floating

15-minute window.

- Yeah, but you're

two hours late.

- Well, from my perspective,

it's an hour 45.

It's kind of a raw deal

being an angel.

I mean, we're charged

with performing

these important

miracles on earth,

but we still need

food and shelter

and all that crap, and so

we have to have jobs too.

I mean, you'd think someone

in the afterlife

could at least pay

my credit card bills.

Ugh.

This music is total garbage.

[pop-rock music playing]

- Oh, my God,

what are you doing?

I like that song.

What are you,

Scrooge in skinny jeans?

- [scoffs] They're just

all so stupid.

And the worst one is

"12 Days of Christmas."

- Well, I guess I'm

an idiot then,

because my grandma and I would

sing it together every December

up until she died,

and it's really the only thing

that I have left of her.

- Okay, can we just start over?

- Oh, sure.

How about you take

that coffee pot, go over

to your favorite regulars,

give them a little

coffee-coffee?

- I don't wanna be

on my own tonight

- Hey.

How are you guys doing?

- I like your shirt.

- I never got attention

like this in my old body.

[orchestral

easy listening music]

Excuse me.

Where am I?

- Hi, Megan.

- Yeah, that's me.

Where the hell am I?

Am I...

- [mouthing word]

both:
Dead.

- Yes, dead.

You're very dead.

Sorry.

Bummer.

Now, if you will follow me,

we have got

a lot of work to do.

[chuckles, clicks tongue]

Gloria.

- I recognize you, right?

Did you go to school

with my uncle Don?

- No.

No, I'm, uh...

I'm Jason Biggs.

[chuckles]

I did that big teen movie

in the late '90s.

- It's not ringing any bells.

- Really?

Okay, well, I did many

other movies.

Also some TV shows...

uh, Broadway--

a couple of times.

Also off-Broadway.

Off-off-Broadway once, but...

some modeling

when I was a kid.

Nothing? Huh.

I usually bat 1,000

with dead Americans 18 to 49.

- And you died when I died?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I died many years ago

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