Angry Angel Page #2

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at the ripe old age

of 96 in Ukraine.

Yeah, I didn't start acting

until I came back

to Earth as an angel.

- You're an angel?

- Yeah.

Most celebrities are

actually angels in disguise.

Yeah, it, uh--

you know, it helps--

thanks, Brenda.

It helps with access

and, you know, gets us

into places mortals cannot.

Sign there and there.

Yep.

Drake is an angel.

- Mm.

Sandy--Bullock.

You know her?

She's an angel.

She's a good one.

RuPaul.

- Ooh, is that a trial?

- Yep.

That's angel court.

- Like "Judge Judy"?

'Cause, you know,

I always imagined God

like an all-knowing Judge Judy.

- It is nothing like

"Judge Judy."

No, angel court is more

like "Judge Joe Brown."

Mm-hmm.

Okeydokey,

who's ready to get

their new body?

[chuckles]

That's a rhetorical question.

The answer is you.

So after we die,

our souls change bodies.

I got this one--lucky me--

and you're about

to get a new one of your own.

Just enter that changing room,

close the curtain,

and press three random buttons.

Now, I know you must have

a lot of questions

about how it all works...

- I have a million questions.

- But we don't have time.

I'm being interviewed

by Kelly Ripa in,

like, an hour,

so, if you would...

Yep, just...

Uh-huh. yeah.

Seriously, it's, like,

in a half hour now.

[machine humming strangely]

See the buttons?

- Yes.

- Great.

Hit three of them.

[buttons clicking]

Great.

[machinery clicks]

[sighs] Son of a...

Oh, come on!

I've asked the Universe, like,

a dozen times to fix this.

Okay.

[grunts, sighs]

[groaning] Oh, God!

All right.

Whoo!

Unnecessary, you guys.

All right, now...

I'm just warning you,

you might be in

for a bit of a shock.

I knew someone

who went from a short,

hunched, bald doctor in Kiev...

to a New Jersey heartthrob.

- Oh, my God.

[pleasant piano melody]

- [chuckling]

- [gasps]

Man!

How many sit-ups does

this girl do a day?

- Well, this girl is you.

How many sit-ups

do you do a day?

- So...this is...heaven?

- [stammering]

No--oh, no, no, no.

No, Heaven...

Heaven is right over there.

[quirky string music]

- Heaven is...clouds?

- It's behind the--

it's behind the clouds.

- Well, I don't see anything.

- I wasn't expecting it

to be so overcast.

It's a little...little gray.

But it's there.

Imagine a place with

no sadness, with no struggle,

where everything

you could want...

is right at your fingertips.

Hmm?

- So it's like Olive Garden.

- What?

- [exhales] I'm ready.

- [laughs sharply] You're cute.

No, we're not--

you're not ready right now.

You're not--you're--

you don't actually get

to go there--not yet.

You know, you lived

a good life,

but not that good.

The Universe still thinks

you have some work to do.

So...chop-chop.

[poppy Christmas music]

- So chop-chop I did, knocking

out miracles in New York City,

but all work and no play

makes for a dull angel,

so I found myself a playmate.

Hey, sexy.

- You know what today is, Pyke?

- Uh, Tuesday?

- No, it's Saturday--the 23rd.

[bell dings]

I've been working

here for a year,

which means...

we've been

hanging out for a year.

- Has it been a year?

Happy sexual-versary.

What is the official gift

for one year

of emotion-free sex?

- Traditionally,

it's a wink and a thumbs-up,

but I went ahead

and broke convention...

I got you a high five.

- I got you the same thing.

[both chuckle]

Now let's celebrate

with dinner.

I'm free tomorrow night.

- Really? On Christmas Eve?

That would be great, 'cause--

- Ooh, I have to cancel.

Sorry, Barker.

- That's kind of weird,

'cause you just said

you were free, and--

- Yeah, I know,

but Christmas Eve dinner feels

very couple-y, and...

- Yeah.

- We're not a couple, so...

best not to confuse things.

- Got it.

Yeah.

- Suzie wants a sleigh

- Do you ever want

more from this?

- I don't know, Barker.

Tell me.

What more do you want from me?

A quickie

in the storage closet?

- Okay, I see

what you're doing here.

You're trying to avoid

intimacy through sex,

and I'm actually

at my job, so--

[phone chimes]

- Mm-hmm-hmm--mm-hmm...

Oh! I have to go.

- Weird, 'cause I was gonna

reject you anyway.

You know, we're at work

during business hours.

The last five times,

I swore...

I would never do that again.

- Connie, I need to take off

the rest of the day.

- But that would imply

you worked some of the day.

- Sorry, but it's

life or death.

- Who's gonna die

if you finish your shift?

- A guy at Madison and 22nd.

- [stammers, sighs]

- [grunts] Excuse me.

- Oh, come on, Leonard.

Let me have this one.

- Ah, Heaven likes those

who hustle.

Got to go!

- [sighs]

- [in sing-song]

Sorry...coming up...

- [panting]

- All right, here we go.

- [wheezing]

- [laughs] Are-are--

are you serious?

That was, like,

200 feet, if that.

- I haven't run in years.

I mean, no need to get

into shape when your body just

always magically stays

the same shape.

[mysterious chiming music]

- See, that's your problem.

You don't take

this job seriously.

You want to get up there,

you got to be ready

for any miracle

that comes your way,

and that means

you got to be strong.

- Well, how's this for strong?

[grunting]

[straining]

- Okay.

Pyke, stop.

You're touching me.

Look, you have

10,000 points to go.

This isn't gonna make

a dent for you.

I, on the other hand,

am almost back up there.

[phone beeps, man screams]

Oh--all right, move out--

- Leonard, dibs.

- Move out of my way.

[man screaming]

- [grunts]

- It's all right.

You're safe now.

Have a good day, sir.

[phone chimes]

[building pop-rock music]

Did he just check his pockets

to see if I stole his wallet?

- Yep.

- Tough out here,

being a black angel.

- Mm-hmm.

- Bright lights

are shining

- Hey, when you said

you were almost back up there,

what'd you mean?

I mean,

you've been there already?

- What, you really

don't remember me

telling you this?

- No.

- Everything was perfect

until I got kicked out.

- Wait,

I didn't know angels

got kicked out.

- Yeah, about 10%

of all the angels on Earth

got kicked out of Heaven.

Don't you read

my angel union emails?

- There's just so many.

They're like the LinkedIn

invite of the afterlife.

Hi, can I get a large,

triple-shot caramel mocha,

extra whip,

and go crazy on the drizzle.

- And I'll just

get a black coffee.

Keep the change.

Really?

- I can eat whatever I want

without gaining weight.

What part of that

do you not understand?

- [laughing] Okay, just because

you can do something

doesn't mean you should.

- Yeah, I disagree

with every part

of that advice.

- Mm...

- So what did you think

of Heaven?

- Oh, my gosh--Heaven, it's--

it was a perfect paradise,

and then...

after a century,

I just got bored.

I started to act out.

I stole Gandhi's Ferrari, I--

- Wait.

Gandhi has a Ferrari?

- Oh, baby, Gandhi is super

materialistic up there.

But he left the keys

in the ignition--like,

what was I supposed to do?

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