Angus

1

My mother named me after my father:

Angus. A cow's name.

Which didn't help matters much, because...

I was a big kid!

My mother was in labor with me for two days.

But it was my father who died during childbirth.

He had a heart attack waiting for her to deliver.

But this wasn't really my problem.

In fact, I perceived my family's situation

as relatively normal

until I began collecting expert

feedback around Kindergarten.

Angus Bethune is a fat kid.

He's so hungry he eats his boogers!

This was my problem:

Rick Sanford.

Hey, Angus,

wanna play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

You could be the donkey!

RICK:
Oww!

Whoa!

You broke his nose, Angus!

You wanna see it?

Five cents.

I met my best friend, Troy Wedberg,

the day he charged five cents to see...

My cousin's pubic hair!

Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Ahem. No way.

You are such a liar.

Give him his pubic hair back...Rick!

Angus, isn't "Angus" a cow?

RICK:
Oww!

Moo.

CLASSMATE:
You broke his nose, Angus!

I was incredibly quick for a fat kid

and grades came pretty easily to me.

But I was sure willing to swap it all

for a little physical beauty.

MELISSA:
Take it back! Take it back!

I don't have hairy legs!

I fell in love with Melissa Lefevre

the day she threw Alex Zimmerglock

across Tarlo's Roller Rink.

ALEX:
Whoa! Uh!

Melissa Lefevre was that girl

that just made you ache

because you know she was

put on this earth out of your reach

only to make you feel bad.

Angus!

TROY:
Angus!

Angus!

Rick Sanford got more popular...

Wanna play some football?

Yeah, sure.

Good. You could be the field!

Ha-ha-ha!

RICK:
Oww!

and much better looking

every time I broke his nose.

You broke his nose, Angus!

What's Melissa doing?

Rick, are you okay?

But worse, he got Melissa Lefevre.

She's making sure Rick's okay.

What's Melissa doing?

She's trying to see if Rick's okay.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

I hate that guy.

A little bit...

Golden Rick Sanford.

He had everything:

looks, smarts, and Melissa.

I had Troy, and he had...

Jock itch!

Let's go!

[ Music playing:

"Am I Wrong?" by Love Spit Love ]

Careful!

ANNOUNCER:
Now back on the field,

the quarterback. The ball is set.

Growing up you wait for that one moment

that's truly yours;

for something to happen that makes you believe

maybe once in a while, the good guys can win.

And I was still waiting.

Go, fight! C'mon, Huskies, let's play!

RICK:
Let's go over the play again:

Mike, you gotta make sure you wait 'til the line

clears out there somwhere before you cut, all right?

Else I got nothin' to throw to.

All right, this is what it is:

It's split back right, flag post flag on one.

- Ready? Break!

- Break!

Watch my ass!

I'm watching it right now!

I bet you are!

It was nearly impossible for a

defensive lineman to shake me.

I was a wall.

RICK:
Red 34!

Red 34! Set... hut!

- DEFENSE:
Pass!

- He's going long!

- DEFENSE:
Somebody block it!

- I got it!

Dang it!

In addition, I was equipped with tracking radar.

I needed only to lock in on a cornerback's hips

to zero in on the tackle.

I, Angus Bethune, had caused a fumble!

The ball, MY ball, soared through the air,

free like an eagle. And then...

It landed in Rick Sanford's hands!

Go! Go, Rick! Go!

Go, go, go!

Go, Rick! Go, Rick!

Ugh.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Touchdown, Huskies!

I had caused the fumble that won us the game.

I was sure any minute now

they would come running toward me

cheering "Angus! Angus!"

CROWD:
Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

RICK:
Yeah! Whoo!

All right!

So there he was

with my victory.

And just once, I wanted to know

what it would feel like to be like him:

On top of the world,

just for one moment.

[ Music playing:

"Ain't That Unusual" by the Goo Goo Dolls ]

I'm trying to prove that if you put

a small abnormal element

in a large homogenous system,

the system will reject the deviation

rather than mutate,

usually causing a powerful exothermic reaction.

[ Bell ringing ]

TEACHER:
Excellent, Angus.

Thank you.

See you after practice?

Yeah, see you later.

Poof, Angus. [ Chuckles ]

Great work, Einstein.

TEACHER:
Rick,

Great touchdown yesterday.

Thanks.

Did you see my block?

Yes.

Angus,

the principal wants to see you.

Well...

your application to Jefferson has been

accepted, Angus.

Jefferson is the best magnet school

in the district.

You'll have to do a science project.

It's...it's all in the letter.

It's a wonderful opportunity, Angus.

Of course, if you don't go

I won't have to worry about

losing our best JV tackle.

Angus?

Thank you, sir.

My mom thinks I'm perfect.

But that's coming from

someone who drives a truck

and whose CB handle is "Bruiser"!

Don't overreact,

but I got my interview for Jefferson.

- You're in!

- Just an interview.

- You didn't tell me!

- I'm telling you!

- Oh, you're in!

- [Muffled:
] You're overreacting!

- I'm gonna tell my father!

- [Muffled:
] I can't breathe!

I don't overreact!

Mom...

Hey, I get it, okay?

It's just an interview.

You might not get in. It's no big deal.

You get it, you don't get in.

Think I care?

Go call your grandfather.

It's time for dinner.

My grandfather...

He was as smart as they come,

when he was awake.

[ "Reveille" plays ]

I'm awake, dammit!

[ "Reveille" plays ]

Potatoes.

Easy on the salt, Dad.

You know, Angus got his interview for Jefferson.

You know, Aunt Ruthie RSVP'd.

Oh, that reminds me.

I talked to the caterers and I think the best way to go

is to have two buffet tables.

One hot and one cold.

You know, Barry's coming, too.

Uncle Barry RSVP'd?

You didn't tell me he RSVP'd.

Is he bringing Wednesday and Pugsley?

He's bringing the whole clan.

I guess they can stay in Angus's room.

Share my room? Get real.

No, you'll stay in your grandpa's room.

I'm not sleeping with him.

He snores! Big nose-hair snores!

He grinds his teeth in his sleep.

At least these are really my teeth.

These are my teeth!

I guess. You paid for 'em.

You know, Dad,

April's insisting on picking the band.

Well, it's her wedding, too.

It's a polka band.

Mom, don't start.

Look, this is hard enough

to get together at the last minute.

Why do they have to get married anyway?

She's 30 years younger than him.

Why don't they just live together?

Why is she talking to me like I'm not in the room?

Why is she talking to me like I'm an adult?

Who gets married at 72?

I am 71.

It's not normal. She's not normal.

The whole idea's ridiculous, but I'm just

supposed to go along with everything--

Mom.

What?

He's asleep.

Dad.

Is she gone?

Yeah, she's gone.

Grandpa?

Hmm?

You're 73.

[ Music playing:
"Jack Names The Planets" by Ash ]

I'm swallowing snot!

You know, it doesn't taste that gross.

- Why do I sweat so much?

- What?

- Why do I sweat so much?

- Shh! I want to hear what they're playing.

Shh! I wanna hear what

they're playing.

Every time they play Green Day, the first caller

gets free tickets to their concert.

-(GIRL SQUEALING) Hey!

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