Angus Page #2

-Hey.

Can I get over here? Maybe on your lap?

Hi! I'm great. Come on.

You know, if you go Jefferson, "Nerd High",

you might as well become a monk.

What are you talking about?

You become a science geek.

No way you're gonna get babes.

Girls don't want brains.

They want guys who are dangerous,

have tattoos, play the guitar.

Stick with me. I know these things.

You play the accordion!

You could make a living playing the accordion.

You're good at it.

You could make a living eating food.

You're great at it.

- You're short.

- You're fat.

- You're pathetic.

- You're... fat.

- Buds!

- Buds!

Don't forget to vote for the Winter Ball dance.

Don't forget to vote.

Don't forget to vote for the dance.

Don't forget to vote.

Don't forget to vote for the Winter Ball dance

king and queen. Remember, your vote counts.

Don't forget to vote. Don't forget to vote.

Oww! Hubba, hubba!

Don't forget to vote.

[ Music playing:
"White Homes" by Tilt ]

You know what would be funny?

If we went to the dance.

What are you talking about?

Watch everyone spaz out on the dance floor,

look at all the d*ldos standing around

pretending they want to be there.

- Troy, we are those d*ldos.

- It's just for kicks.

Your mom's making you go to the dance.

Why did you tell her about it?

I don't tell her everything.

Green Day! Phone!

- Hey!

- Sh*t! Little f*ggot pinhead, you better watch it!

Hey, lay off, man.

Thanks for the tackle,

Baffoon... er, Bethune.

Ignore him, Angus. He's an a**hole.

Angus!

What's the problem here?

You got a temper? Save it for the football field.

- But he...

- Save it, Angus.

If you want out of here,

I can arrange it right now.

If you want into Jefferson,

you're gonna have to do better than this.

One suspension you lose your shot,

and I will suspend you, Angus.

All right, let's clear out. Come on,

come on. Nothing to look at.

Nothing to look at. Let's go.

What's with the sad puppy look?

Melissa move away or something?

Talk to her, eh? Just once before I die.

Will you do that, please?

Grandpa, she's popular.

- You're not?

- (Scoffs) I'm a babe magnet.

Runs in the family.

Grandpa, everyone'll think I'm a jerk.

Angus, remember these words

and always live by them:

"Screw 'em! Who cares what anyone thinks?"

I do.

Move.

You think I don't know how hard

it is to talk to a girl? I know.

It wasn't easy for me to ask April out.

You know why I did it?

'Cause you're old and cenile?

- 'Cause I said "screw 'em".

- Any minute now you're gonna start drooling.

- And I went ahead and asked her.

- I'm not gonna be your drool wiper.

- I didn't care what anybody thought.

- You can't remember what anybody thinks anyway.

Your mind is shot.

Grandpa? You don't talk to Melissa Lefevre

when you're a fat kid who's good at science.

You're not the fat kid who's good at football?

Angus, you're not fat. You come from big people.

My father was big. Your grandmother, she was big.

- You're normal for where you come from.

- I'm not normal.

- Well, I'm big. I'm normal.

- You're definitely not normal!

- You're at an irritating age.

- So are you.

It's time to take your pill.

Finally.

[ Music playing:
"Kung Fu" by Ash ]

They sent out School Spirit Day flyers.

Why aren't you wearing blue?

- Who reads those things?

- Obviously everyone but you.

Maybe if you shut up, no one will notice.

I am a recycling bin. I need love.

I need trash. If everyone would just give me

their paper cups and plates

I'm getting a boner!

and I'll be happy.

Thank you. Thank you very much

for your enthusiasm.

I see that the time has come

to announce who you've elected

as your king and queen for your

freshmen Winter Ball this year.

I think we know who the king of the

Winter Ball is this year, don't we?

Hey, it's not in the bag, but, uh,

I think I got the votes I wanted.

And to do that, here is your freshmen

class president, Rick Sanford!

Thank you, Principal Metcalfe.

The theme for this year's

freshmen Winter Ball is "courage".

We're gonna need courage to face

new challenges, new people, our future.

Let's make it a memory

none of us will ever forget.

(TROY WRETCHES)

And now, I am pleased to announce that

this year's freshmen Winter Ball queen will be...

Melissa Lefevre.

Oww! Oww! Sorry.

RICK:
Come on up, Melissa, to the stage please.

And now your vice president, Jody Cole,

will announce who this year's Winter Ball king will be.

PRINCIPAL:
Here you go.

Okay, um... okay.

And this year's Winter Ball king is...

- Not Rick, not Rick...

- Not Rick, not Rick...

Uh... Angus Bethune?

- Alrigh--

- Alrigh--

Holy sh*t!

Uh, w-would Angus Bethune

please come up to the stage?

JODY:
Please?

(FIRE ALARM SOUNDS)

PRINCIPAL:
Single file. Be orderly now. Order.

Single file. No more throwing, all right?

PRINCIPAL:
Keep moving. Move in

an orderly fashion. No throwing.

Orderly fashion.

Uh, watch that over there!

No throwing, no throwing.

I've got your name.

Okay, it was a joke. I knew that.

And a hell of a good one, too.

But like my grandfather says, laugh with them

and they can't laugh at you.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Buds.

- Buds.

- I'm not going.

- Why not?

- Why not? Why not? What do you mean, "why not"?

- I mean, why not?

Come on, you get to dance with Melissa Lefevre.

I sell body parts for a chance like that.

Troy, Melissa Lefevre is probably somewhere

puking her guts out right now!

- Angus.

- I'm not going.

- Angus.

- I'm not going.

Melissa.

In all the years I had known Melissa Lefevre,

I'd never actually spoken to her.

"Late for class?" No!

"Hey, how ya doin'?" Ugh.

"You're Melissa, right?"

Duh! Of course she's Melissa!

And at that moment,

I realized I probably never would.

[ Music playing:
"Rubella" by Smoking Popes ]

I couldn't help but wonder

what Melissa Lefevre was thinking.

She'd be at the dance with Rick, of course,

so her Winter Nightmare on Elm Street

would last but a few minutes at most.

She'd probably tell herself,

"It's like a trip to the dentist.

No matter how badly he's gonna hurt me,

no matter how many bare nerves he drills,

In an hour I'll be out of there.

And I'll still be alive."

Of course, Melissa hadn't seen me dance.

TROY:
When you want something,

you have to motivate yourself.

Motivation!

Little stomach muscles above the belly button.

Tiny blonde hairs

on long, athletic thighs.

She does have great little stomach muscles.

How am I gonna pull this off?

We're gonna turn you from a large, pathetic virgin

into a large, pathetic virgin with a new look!

We'll experiment.

[ "Reveille" plays ]

I was awake, dammit!

It's time to take your pill.

Where's my vest?

I have to go to this dance at school.

I'm the Winter Ball King.

That's good.

For a laugh. It was a joke.

This have anything to do with that quarterback?

I should have broken his nose.

You can't go around beating everybody up

just because they don't like you.

Use what you have in here.

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