Angus Page #3

You have a big heart, Angus.

I have a fat heart, Grandpa. I can't dance.

I ever tell you about the Irish Swoon?

The Irish Swoon is an old family secret.

You're on the dance floor, see?

You cradle your girl in your arms.

And crush her ribs.

And then you sweep her back.

And snap her neck.

And then you kiss her.

Yeah. And then she's traumatized for life

and goes on a shooting spree killing large people.

Angus, shut up.

The key to the Irish Swoon is

to do it in one smooth motion

before she gets a chance

to realize what hit her.

That's how I nabbed April.

Grandpa, I will never, ever in my entire life

get a chance to kiss Melissa Lefevre's dog,

let alone Melissa.

Why the hell not?

Because first of all, I can't touch her.

Why the hell not? Hi, Troy.

Sweat. Hi, Troy.

Everybody sweats.

Not like me. I don't sweat; I rain!

That's gross!

You think something's gross?

You want gross? Touch Angus's head.

What are you talking about?

Your hair looks ridiculous.

It was an experiment, dammit.

Yeah.

Angus, this is Madame Rolenska.

She's going to teach you how to "cut a rug".

Breathe with the current of your feelings

and move with me.

Are you ready? Good.

And... ah!

Your foot off the scarf!

[ Music playing:
"Hot, Hot, Hot" by Buster Poindexter ]

One and two and three, and

One and two and three, and

Oh, that's very good. Wait, wait!

And...

On the right!

GRANDPA:
Screw 'em, Angus. Just dance!

You're dancing. You're dancing!

It's the biggest size we have left in black.

I want black.

What else do you have?

I have one other thing in his size,

but it isn't black.

I want black.

We'll give it a try.

This should fit.

It's purple.

It's plum.

It's classy.

- It's plum.

- It's plum.

It's your size.

Everyone'll be wearing black.

GRANDPA:
You'll be different.

That's true.

I don't wanna be different. I want normal.

I want socially acceptable.

I want a black tuxedo.

It'll look great on you,

and as for what anybody else thinks

always remember these words

and live by them: "Screw 'em!"

- He'll try it on.

- No, he won't.

-Put it in the dressing room.

- Put it on a rack.

Put it on a dead guy and bury it!

Hello, big boy!

What the hell is that?

- This is Wanda.

- Wanda?

My dad used to have her

in his waiting room,

but she kind of scared all the kids.

You know.

I'll bet.

And she is, what? Your date?

Actually, she's yours.

[ Music playing:
"Mrs. You And Me" by Smoking Popes ]

What are you doing?

- I'm taping this.

- Get out of here!

Angus, it's what jocks do so they can

see where they make mistakes.

Forget it!

Angus, the dance is on the 22nd.

You've got 2 1/2 weeks, bud.

No one see the tape?

And you don't tell your mother?

I don't tell her everything.

Look under her shirt.

Hey, she's anatomically correct.

Ow! Hey, watch it!

Hey, a girl's bod is a girl's bod.

There's more to girls than just their bods, geek.

Right and you go nuts for Melissa

because of her grades?

She's beautiful, okay?

There's something about her.

Her bod, bud.

(Scoffs) No, Troy.

I don't know what it is. I get the worst pain

in my stomach whenever I see her.

You get a boner in your stomach?

Ow! Hey!

You're such a good dancer.

Thanks.

Not you!

Do you wanna be alone?

Can I take her home?

Just for a week.

[ Music playing:
"J.A.R." by Green Day ]

Okay, we're here at Radio Owatonna.

We got another winner here.

Two tickets and backstage passes

for the upcoming Green Day concert

for Rick Sanford.

Tell us how you won, Rick.

RICK:
Hey, great! You know, I was just

walking by a phone booth

and I heard the song

come over this guy's car radio

so I decided to call.

Hey, I just got my quarter back!

Oh, hey! It's Big Red.

Where's the Tubster?

- Can't wait to see him on the dance floor.

- Yeah, watch all that lard shakin' around.

Angus is gonna blow your bonehead face

off the dance floor.

When Angus dances with Melissa,

she's never gonna look back.

Angus can dance?

Yeah.

- That sucks.

- Yeah, really.

What if he's really good?

I mean, all you can do is that... white thing.

Shut up.

What are you gonna do

if he can really dance? I mean...

I don't know.

Look, somethin', okay?

Hey! What are you doing?

Let me go! C'mon!

Thanks for the tip.

RICK:
You know, uh, you really shouldn't

hang around the halls without a pass.

- ANDY:
Hey, keep this to yourself, squat.

- MIKE:
Yeah.

RICK:
Let's get out of here.

'Kay.

and they like chained him up, and they cut off

his arms and legs so he can't get away

and they took like this metal rod, and they stick it

into his head and it like sucks out his brains

and replaces it with like this green glowing ooze

so they can take over his body

Wedberg! Hit the showers!

I've got a note from my doctor.

It's upside down, Wedberg.

This is from your father.

- He's a doctor.

- He's a dentist.

I have sore gums.

Shower!

Every day I go through this with this kid.

Hey, my shirt's gone!

You're a real a**hole, Sanford!

- Did I say that?

- Hey, a tough guy.

ANDY:
Oh, hey! It's the butterball king.

Just give him his shirt back.

Troy.

Oh, you lose your shirt, man?

Like you didn't know.

Listen, Angus, I'd lend you my shirt but I'm afraid

it's not gonna fit. It might rip on you.

That's 'cause it's cheap like your mother.

Hey! What are you doing? Let me go!

Let me go! Let me go! Quit it! Ow!

I want my shirt back.

Maybe you lost it.

Don't hit him, Angus. You'll get expelled.

If he still wants to go to the dance

after all of this, good for him.

You know, he won fair and square.

I know you set it up.

Hey, it was a little joke, okay?

You should be thanking me. I mean, this is

the chance you've wanted your whole life, right?

Now it's yours.

I'm the one getting the shaft this time.

Melissa's bitching my ear off

because she's gotta dance with you.

Hey, you know, I mean,

nothing personal.

TROY:
C'mon, let me out.

You know, it doesn't

smell so bad in here.

Easy, easy.

He took my underwear too.

Screw Rick. And screw the dance.

He's just gonna do something to you.

So what are you gonna do?

Go to class without underwear.

Oh! Careful!

- Angus.

- What?

I think I know what Rick

did with your underwear.

- Do you believe it?

- No!

You're underwear's almost

as big as the flag.

Get that down from there.

Angus, look at it this way:

what could be worse?

She didn't see it! She didn't see it!

She didn't see it!

I don't believe it! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hey, Melissa!

That's what you call

gettin' a slice of the ol' dick pie!

Everyone's gone, Angus.

Can we go now?

I was pissed.

That was my favorite pair of underwear.

Maybe no one knew they were yours.

It's not like you had your name

printed all over them or anything.

Hey, man, I'm not the one who

put your underwear on the flagpole!

That was your underwear, Angus? (Laughs)

Troy, I'm...

Whatever.

What?

The dance is comin' up and, uh,

we really wanna play a little joke on Angus

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