Angus Page #5

I'm not going to the dance, okay?

Okay.

My interview for Jefferson's on Saturday.

That's great, man. Who needs it, right?

Hey, we can rent a video.

I hear Cindy Crawford's got a new butt & thigh workout--

Shut up, Troy!

You just don't know how it feels!

I don't know how it feels?

You think you're the only person on Earth

who wakes up every morning wishing they were someone else?

Troy, I wanted to go to the dance. Don't you get it?

Then why aren't you going?

Because...

I think I have to stop wanting things so much.

Can I help you?

- Hi, Angus.

- Hi.

- Do you want to come in?

- Um...

No, I don't think so.

We have food.

Time for his pill.

See? I did remember.

This is for you.

Ivan left it for you at my house.

It's an awful color, isn't it?

It's plum.

I look like Moby Grape.

You look terrific.

I don't want you to get hurt.

I won't, Mom, as long as you let me go.

I can do this.

I know you can.

I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't.

My interviewer from Jefferson is here.

Yes, your interviewer from Jefferson,

Mr. Kessler, is here.

I was supposed to be here at 3:00

but traffic was bumper to bumper

with every drooling, mouth-breathing

bottom-feeder from here to Minneapolis

going to the football game.

Mindless sport.

It's going to take me at least a few hours

to assess your qualifications

and analyze your work.

I assume you're not going anywhere?

We always dress for dinner.

So you want to attend Jefferson?

That's not difficult to understand.

We have an exceptional program.

I went there myself when I was your age.

It's a rewarding experience with obvious benefits.

Now if I could see your science experiment, Mr. Bethune.

Do you have a science experiment, Mr. Bethune?

Yes. Yes, I do.

May I see it?

You're looking at it.

Is this a joke, Mr. Bethune?

No. I'm hoping to prove that

within every normal system,

there exists an abberation.

Something different.

- The Chaos Theory.

- The Bethune Theory.

Your hypothesis?

When a small abnormal element is

forced into a larger normal system,

the element will either be rejected or destroyed.

Obviously.

But it doesn't have to be that way if...

If...?

If the element is brave.

"Brave"?

If the element can hold out long enough,

and face the torment of the system

until the system's energy is depleted,

if the element can look the system in the eye

and say, "I'm still here, a**hole!"

then the system will have to

change, adapt, mutate.

And if this happens it'll have proved my f***ing point!

Which is what?

There is no normal.

Angus, where are you going?

To mutate.

[ Music playing:
"Enough" by Dance Hall Crashers ]

What are you doing here?!

I'm the entertainment.

Angus, Rick's gonna do something to you.

I know.

Screw 'em! I want my moment.

And if you can't stand to watch, then don't!

Take off! Tell your mom. Get a life.

- Screw you.

- Screw you!

- Wanna walk in together?

- Yeah.

- Angus

- What?

- I gotta go to the bathroom.

- Whatever.

Nice tux.

- It's purple.

- It's plum.

You look like Barney.

Oh hey, how about an hors d'oeuvre?

- Let's do punch.

- Okay, c'mon.

Well, looks like I'll be handing this

lovely thing over to you for a while.

Give her a chance to make a comparison.

You know, let her decide what's more important:

Quality or... quantity.

Rick!

PRINCIPAL:
Can I have your attention please?

Will the Winter Ball King and Queen please come

behind the stage to arrange for your entrance?

Well, guess you two guys are on, huh?

You're in good hands.

Good luck, Angus.

[ Music playing:
"Back To You" by The Riverdales ]

- Oh, man. You're nasty, man!

- It's punch!

Here are your official crowns.

Now, when the DJ finishes this song,

I'll say a few words.

Then you'll have your official

walk down the steps.

They'll play your song and that's

when you'll have your dance.

Angus, why don't you pin that on Melissa now?

PRINCIPAL:
Settle down, people.

Please? Settle down now.

Thank you. I'm, uh...

I sweat whenever I get nervous. Don't you?

Uh, well, you know...

Yeah, well, I guess it's easier 'cause guys are supposed to sweat.

Uh, well, you know...

PRINCIPAL:
...small lecture on dance floor safety.

No, no, really!

It's just everyone will be staring at us.

But you must be used to people staring at you.

The big moment. Here is this year's

Winter Ball King and Queen!

Let's hear it. Here they are!

[ APPLAUSE ]

PRINCIPAL:
Your crowns!

Don't forget your crowns.

Please don't trip.

Don't trip, Melissa.

Don't trip, Melissa.

Don't trip, Melissa.

[ Recording playing: ] What are you doing?

- I'm taping this.

- Get out of here!

Angus, it's what jocks do so they can

see where they make mistakes.

No one see the tape?

And you don't tell your mother?

I don't tell her everything.

Look under her shirt.

Hey, she's anatomically correct.

[ STUDENTS LAUGHING ]

Hey, a girl's bod is a girl's bod.

PRINCIPAL:
You there!

There's more to girls than just their bods, geek.

Right. And you go nuts for Melissa

because of her grades?

She's beautiful, okay?

There's something about her.

- Her bod, bud.

PRINCIPAL:
Turn it off!

- No, Troy.

PRINCIPAL:
Turn it off!

- Turn that off! Just turn...

- I get the worst pain in my stomach whenever I see her.

You get a boner in your stomach?

[ STUDENTS LAUGHING ]

Melissa!

[ SARCASTIC APPLAUSE ]

Are you going somewhere, Rick?

Uh, yeah. I wanted to get some fresh air.

Oh, you know the rules.

No in and out privileges at school dances.

What about them?

They're the king and queen.

I'm making an exception for them.

[ MELISSA CRYING ]

Melissa...

I was an idiot. I'm sorry.

What a jerk!

I'm really sorry.

Not you. Him!

Do you ever get tired of who you are?

Do you know who you're talking to?

Do you want to know something about me?

I'd like to know anything about you.

I'm bulimic.

Do you know what that is?

I'm a fat kid. Yeah, I know what that is.

It's when you eat too much and you chuck it up

so you don't turn out to look like me.

Close enough.

Actually, I even tried it once.

But when I stuck my finger down my throat,

I was still hungry and I almost ate my arm.

You're the only person I've ever told.

Angus, I think we have to go back inside.

I think I have to tell you I can't dance.

We'll survive.

I didn't say I can't dance well.

I said I can't dance!

My limbs are lethal weapons.

People have been badly hurt

trying to dance with me!

Your Winter Ball King and Queen

will start their dance now.

[ Music playing:
"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star ]

Don't worry. I picked a slow song.

We won't have to move much.

Angus, relax.

[ MELISSA WINCES ]

I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait. Stop.

Try this. Okay.

Forward, touch, side, together.

Back, touch, side, together.

Don't concentrate, Angus.

Go for it, Angus!

[ Music continues ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

What are you doing?

[ Music playing:
"Deep Water" by Pansy Division ]

- Melissa, what are you doing?

- Rick!

What the hell are you doing?

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