Angus Thongs And Perfect Snogging Page #2

Can you handle that?

Okay, so it's time for the

Physical Attractiveness Test.

Finished.

You lot are so sweet.

I got mostly eights for everything.

- So did I.

- Me, too.

Hey, who gave me a four for my nose?

And look. Someone else

gave my mouth a six and one third.

What's wrong with my mouth?

God, I'm having a nervy B.

We've only gone over the plan

a gazillion times.

You don't need to have a breakdown.

Just stick to your lines and we'll be fine.

Okay. How's my hair?

Very Keira Knightley.

Just get in there, you minger.

Remember, lower your voice

so you sound sexier.

Okay.

- Hi there, how are you?

- Oh, fine, thanks.

- Can I get some onions please?

- Onions. Red ones?

- Yeah.

- How many?

Just a pound, please.

- A pound.

- Yeah.

- These are nice ones, these are.

- Great.

What are you doing?

Jas? Hey, Jas. Quelle surprise.

What a shock to see you here.

I want this brother.

That's fine.

Just stop playing with your hair.

How nice to see you, Georgia. I was just

picking up some onions for my mum.

Well, you know your onions,

don't you, Jas?

You've been eating

organic food for ages.

Cool.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is my friend, Georgia.

- I'm Jas.

- Hi, I'm Tom.

Do you need something

for a sore throat?

- So, what school are you two at?

- Ridgley.

Ridgley? Me, too. Just started.

- Here you go.

- Thanks, Robbie.

That's all right. Can't let my brother

work hard serving good looking girls

without a cup of tea.

Sorry?

- Apples. She likes apples.

- Great.

About a pound, yeah?

Robbie, this is Jas and Georgia.

They go to Ridgley too.

Okay. Yeah,

I thought I recognised them.

Tom, I got to move. I got band practice.

- You're in a band.

- Yeah, some mates from London.

- Oh, what are you called?

- The Stiff Dylans.

- Great name.

- Thanks.

I'm a bass player.

Did you know bass players

have really big hands?

I guess they do. I do have big hands.

Hey, Jubbly. Is that my little Jubbly?

Come here, little Jubbly Jubbly.

- You like cats?

- Yeah, love them.

Don't I, lovely Jubbly? Do you have one?

Angus. Her cat's called Angus.

He's part Scottish wildcat.

I used to walk him by the sea.

But he ate his collar.

- And his lead.

- What?

Georgia?

What are you doing here?

You hate vegetables.

Mum, you're so funny.

I'm getting apples.

- My favourites.

- But apples give you wind.

What a lovely selection of Brie.

How am I ever

going to be able to face him again?

My mum

is so beyond the Valley of the Thick.

- She wasn't that bad.

- What? Telling the only cool boy

in Eastbourne I have flatulence issues

is okay?

I don't think he took any notice.

And, anyway, he was well into you

before your mum came in.

- Do you think so?

- Yeah.

You were great asking him

about his band and stuff.

- And he likes cats, like me.

- Yep.

Did you see the way Tom held onto

my hand a little too much

- when he gave me the onions?

- He didn't!

He is so gorgeous!

They're both beyond

the Valley of the Gorgeous.

Oh, are you sure

my mum hasn't ruined it?

Oh, GG, it was really fab.

- Fabbity fab?

- With knobs on.

And Robbie will understand.

All parents say stupid things.

He'll probably like you more

'cause he'll feel bad

you've got a mum

that's beyond bonkerdom.

You're right.

God, Robbie's just so

muscley and dreamy and...

- Tom said, "See you later."

- I know. So did Robbie.

- What exactly does that mean?

- I'm not sure.

Do you think Tom says that to everyone

like a sort of "See you later"

sort of thing?

No. He wouldn't say "See you later"

slowly unless he means "See you later."

Otherwise he would just say

"See ya later."

- Don't you get it?

- When is later then?

I don't know. I'm not boy lingual yet.

But I tell you what.

I see a snog at the end of the tunnel.

Big fish little fish cardboard box

Big fish little fish cardboard box

Fill the trolley fill

Lindsay, stop it.

You don't have to come.

Oh, Robbie, stop.

I promise I won't get in the way.

Oh, no. I don't mind, honestly.

Come on.

Lindsay, stop messing about there.

All right? Or you'll just have to

sit in the back then.

Oh, Robbie.

Maybe they're just mates.

Don't be a plonker, El.

Mates don't hold hands.

I already feel fed up with boys,

and I haven't had anything

to do with them yet.

I don't know how

she got in there before you.

- I can never compete with Lindsay.

- Yes, you can.

You've got

much better qualities than her.

Yeah? Like what?

- Well, you're really funny.

- Yeah.

You were so hilarious

in that olive costume.

But, Jas, you said

boys don't rate girls for funniness.

Well, I just meant

that they rate other things more.

Oh, yeah. What do they rate then?

Skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls

like Slaggy Lindsay?

Well, she does have that cover-girl look

that boys die for.

So, are you saying

I have to be more like her?

Thong alert!

I always knew she was from Vulgaria.

- Now that's what boys like.

- But they just go up your bum.

- Nah.

- Do you think you should try one?

No way. I'm not gonna injure myself

just because boys like it.

And Slaggy Lindsay should know

that all those ancient women

did not burn their bras and give women

the vote so she could wear a thong.

What a swiz!

- That is just diabolical.

- No, that is shocking.

Bet you Robbie doesn't know about that.

At least I sort of fill up my bra

when I wear one.

Even though it does bunch up

when I run for the bus.

So, she has false b*obs,

a massive bum and a blank personality.

You would score more

in all of those areas.

Defo.

But she's got Robbie

and I haven't even kissed a boy.

I can't.

You want to move up

on the maturity scale, right?

I'm not that desperate.

You have to step up to compete.

It's educational.

You'll gain skills

Lindsay can only dream of.

- Hi.

- Hi. Are you Peter Dyer?

The man, the myth, the legend.

- Your parents aren't here, are they?

- No.

My hours are between 4:30 and 5:30

before they get back from work.

Any musical requests?

The right tune creates the right vibe.

Coldplay?

Whatever. You choose.

Now, what kind of experience

do you have?

Oh, loads.

You have to be completely honest

so I can evaluate you accurately.

Okay, I guess I practise a lot

on the back of my hand.

On average a person will have

over 25,000 snogs in their lifetime.

So close your eyes,

relax, feel the magic.

We're going to do a standard one first.

Wow, you're a natural.

- Really?

- Not too firm or toothy.

- That's very common with beginners.

- Great.

Next, movement.

When I move my head in

you go the other way.

The boy leads and the girl always fits in.

- Where should I put my hands?

- The waist is safest.

You're a quick learner. Now, tongues.

They're a health and safety issue.

The secret is to strike the right balance

between yielding and giving.

Start slowly, like a turtle, not a lizard.

Avoid washing machine syndrome.

Sadly, this session's over.

My next client's here.

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