Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy Page #2

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like, it was still pretty amazing.

Like, 'cause I was standing there

in front of the Colosseum,

just really, like, almost emotional,

'cause I'm like,

"Dang, I cannot believe that,

like, right here, years ago,

is where they filmed

the movie, Gladiator."

You know what I'm saying?

Like, Russell Crowe

could've been right here.

Poof!

After that, we took

an 11-hour train ride to Paris.

Let me tell you,

an 11-hour anything is terrible.

To anything, like, even a massage.

Everybody likes a massage.

Go for an hour, maybe two hours.

But 11 hours, your skin gonna fall off.

And, like, I don't know

what I was thinking,

'cause we could've jumped on a plane

and been there

in like five minutes, right?

But in my mind I thought

it was gonna be romantic, right?

I was like,

"Oh, let's take a train to Paris.

It'll be so romantic.

Like, there'll be a caboose in the back

where they're dancing,

wearing flapper dresses,

celebrating 'The War Is Over.'"

It's not like that.

If you've never been

on an overnight train,

let me just paint the picture for you.

I almost died that night.

The smell on this train was so bad,

it literally almost choked me to death.

Have you ever tried

to hold your breath for 11 hours?

I almost died. And there would've been

nobody to charge in my murder.

They would have been,

"Oh, my God, who killed her?"

"Smell."

"Smell killed her."

This is what it's like. You get

on the train, and they have cabins,

and there are six bunk beds in each cabin.

If you don't buy all six bunk beds,

they just stick some rando

in there with you.

So good luck, okay?

So this is what it's like.

We get on the train,

and in the first cabin

there's a Chinese family,

then there's a Haitian family,

then there's us Americans,

and then there's, like, an Italian family,

then a French family.

Like, there's just all kind

of different people, right?

Like, it's kind of like a buffet.

Go with me for a second.

Like, you know how sometimes

you go to a buffet

and they got the seafood

and the Italian food,

and then they got the Chinese food

right next to the barbecue?

And you're like,

"Wait, that's too many smells.

I can't figure it out."

It was kind of like that, except it was

like a two-week-old buffet.

Yeah, it wasn't fresh.

And, like, I'm not really a diva, okay?

I don't consider myself a diva,

but that night, it was questionable.

'Cause, like, I just kept trying to

find somebody that worked on the train.

Like, "Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Um...

can you point me into the direction

where passengers can breathe?"

"Yeah, similar to this,

but preferably unscented."

"Oh, this is the only section?

Oh, okay...

'cause we bought a first-class ticket

and it's not really a first-class smell."

"Okay."

"Just go back to my seat? Okay, thanks."

I felt like I was being

human-trafficked into Paris.

I kept looking for Liam Neeson.

I couldn't find him.

When we got to Paris,

we went to the Louvre.

That's where they filmed

that movie, The Da Vinci Code.

I kept trying to reenact the scenes,

but they don't like it when you do that.

And the bridge that you walk across

to get to the Louvre

is, like, the lovers bridge, right?

Where you go with your lover,

you get a lock,

you lock it onto the bridge

and then you throw

your key into the river,

and it's supposed to be like

you're locked in love forever, right?

So we did that, but our lock

came with two keys,

so I threw one in the river.

I kept one in my pocket just in case

this fool act up. You know what I mean?

Don't play with me. Click.

It was an awesome trip.

My husband and I had a great time.

And some of you may know that my husband

is actually a Christian rapper.

Yes.

Uh, most of you probably didn't even know

Christian rap was a thing.

Oh, it's a thing.

Yeah, it's legit.

Don't get caught sleepin'

on that Christian rap game, homie.

His last album went

triple Pentecost platinum.

Booyah.

My husband is

a Christian rapper, right?

And I'm a Christian and I'm a comedian,

but I'm not a Christian comedian.

Let me explain.

I don't have jokes that are like,

"So Matthew, Mark, Luke and John

walk into a bar."

"Sinners."

It's not my style.

And, like, a lot of my comic friends,

they always tell me,

"Oh, you're so conservative."

Right?

And then my Christian friends are like,

"Oh, you're so edgy."

But, like, I just do me.

You know what I mean?

Like, I can't be anybody else but me.

Right?

Just do you and do you well.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like, I'll tell you the truth.

I love Jesus, okay?

Yes, I do.

But I will punch a ho.

I mean, like, I don't want to.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't want to fight you.

Like, if you're yelling at me, go ahead

and yell at me. I don't even care.

You wanna say some curse words at me,

say some curse words.

I don't even care.

But if you are right here...

in my face?

Like, if our eyelashes...

is braided together...

I will cut... you.

In the name of Jesus.

We're in Southern California, so there's

probably some cholos here tonight.

I see you, Boo.

Uh, recently I was invited

to cholo church.

It's kind of like regular church...

but a little different.

Right? 'Cause, like, at regular church

they're very warm and inviting.

"Hi. Welcome to Christ

For The Nations Baptist Church.

Come on in. Two of you? Okay.

It's your first time here?

Come sit up in the front,

closer to the anointing.

Up in the front. Two seats.

Thank you. Two seats.

Praise the Lord. Hallelujah."

It's a different congregation

at cholo church.

The people at cholo church, the Lord has

really brought them through some stuff.

And by stuff, I mean 10 to 15.

This is how the guy

was giving the announcements

when I first walked in to cholo church.

"Yeah, what's up, eh?

Church about to get started.

I'm gonna have to ask y'all

to take your seats.

If you don't have a seat,

one will be appointed to you."

"Yeah, what's up, eh?

You need some seats in the back?

You need some seats? Sabes que,

come right here in the front."

"Come right here in the front.

What I say?

Why you acting all scared for?"

"Uh, you're pointing at me

with your hand shaped like a gun.

It's literally a handgun."

But this church was legit, though.

I gotta give 'em that.

They were straight-up.

They were legit.

Like, when I say you could

see Jesus on him, I mean literally,

'cause he had Him tattooed right here.

Straight dedicated.

My husband and I

been married for three years.

Thank you.

I'm learning a lot, you guys.

I'm learning about marriage,

I'm learning about my husband.

One thing I learned

about my husband is that, um...

he's not real handy.

Like, he don't really like

to fix stuff around the house.

It's not that he doesn't like to,

it's just that he can't.

And, like, to me, a guy

who could fix stuff, like, that's hot.

Any ladies in here agree that's hot?

Right?

That's hot.

Like, you could be

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