Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy Page #3

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real ugly in the face...

...but if you could fix my plumbing...

...and rewire some cables...

...ooh, girl, that's hot.

My poor husband.

He cannot fix an appliance

to save our lives. I'm serious.

If our lives depended on my husband

fixing the microwave clock

for daylight savings...

...we are gonna die.

But it's okay,

'cause you know what?

What he lacks in handiness,

he makes up for in actual hotness,

'cause he's real purty.

Don't hate.

He's real good-looking.

He's, like, way better-looking than me.

Like, in our relationship,

I'm the one with the good personality.

Another thing I've learned

about my husband is, uh,

we don't really like

the same sexy-time music.

It's kind of important.

'Cause recently my husband,

he's trying to set the mood, right?

"I'm putting on some sexy-time music."

But to me, it sounded like a church song.

I said, "Uh, babe, what is this?"

He says, "A love song."

I said, "Yeah, but I'm pretty sure

it's a love song to Jesus."

"What we trying to do, get our praise on

or get our freak on? What's happenin'?"

"You trying to multitask me?

That's what you're trying to do?"

Listen, you guys...

I have some advice, okay?

Take it or leave it. Whatever you want.

If you are trying to have sexy time

while listening to Pandora,

upgrade to the commercial-free version,

please.

I mean,

'cause the last thing you want to hear is:

"Hey, girl."

"Are you in good hands with Allstate?"

Well, I was in good hands.

But now I just wanna pay some bills.

I remember our first emergency.

I had to rush my husband to the hospital

because he had kidney stones.

- Aww.

- I know. And I had heard a while back...

Somebody told me the most pain a man

can ever feel is kidney stones, right?

So, like, I'm trying to keep

that thought in my mind

as I'm looking at my husband

who is, like, hunched over in pain,

moaning, groaning, crying a little bit.

'Cause I'll be honest, you guys.

There were a couple times

where I did think to myself, like,

"Mm, you need to man up."

Right?

'Cause my husband, he's over here like...

"Babe, it hurts! Babe, it hurts!"

And I'm just like, "Babe."

"What's wrong?"

"What's it feel like?"

"Like a cramp?"

"Is it like a period?

"Oh, you want me

to take you to the hospital."

"You're funny."

"Just grab the heating pad."

Ladies, I tried to tell him just curl up

in a ball and rock back and forth.

It didn't work.

And the thing was,

we were about to go to bed, right?

And I wasn't feeling well,

so I had just taken NyQuil.

So I'm trying to rush my husband

to the hospital, dozing at the wheel.

By the time we get there,

he's dying in pain, I'm intoxicated.

The doctor's trying

to communicate with us,

like, "Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here?

Um, who drove you guys here?"

And I was just like, "Um...

Your Honor?"

"Can I say something?"

"I drove us guys here."

"But I have an excuse.

I'm on NyQuil.

He's just a baby."

So they admitted us both.

It's pretty expensive.

Right now everybody's talking about

affordable health care, right?

But, for me, my health care

has always been affordable

because my cousin June

is my primary doctor. And, uh...

Although June has never been

to medical school before.

She works front desk at a doctor's office,

so... she hears a lot.

She wears scrubs to work.

I trust her.

Sometimes I call her for advice.

I'll be like,

"Hey, June, I'm really congested.

What should I do?"

And she'll be like,

"Okay, this is what you wanna do.

You want to get a cup of hot water,

squeeze a whole lemon into it.

One teaspoon of hot sauce,

one teaspoon of pepper.

It'll clear you right up."

I'm like, "Okay, first of all,

this prescription sounds delicious."

"I'm gonna be real honest with you.

I'm probably gonna make some extra

and eat it with chips later."

My problem was, I would take advice

from anybody wearing scrubs

just because they look

smarter than me, right?

I used to until I realized

that there's a store in the mall

where anybody could buy scrubs.

You don't have to be a doctor, you don't

have to show a license, nothing.

You just walk in,

pick your favorite color,

boom, Dr. Anjelah.

So I'm gonna do it, you guys.

I'm gonna go buy myself

some scrubs, okay?

I'm gonna use 'em as my pajamas.

I'm gonna sleep in them at night.

Then I'm gonna wake up

early in the morning,

throw on some tennis shoes,

run over to Starbucks

for my morning coffee

where everybody keeps letting me

cut in front of them in line

'cause they just assume I got off

a late-night shift at the hospital,

saving lives.

Yeah.

No, yeah, it's a genius plan,

you know,

until there's an actual

emergency at Starbucks.

Right? Could you guys imagine that?

Some guy at Starbucks lying

on the ground, having a seizure?

Everybody's looking at me like,

"Oh, thank God you're here."

Right? What am I gonna do?

Tell him a joke,

hope he laughs his seizure away?

This is what I would do, you guys, okay?

I would get in real low, right,

so nobody else could hear me,

and I'd just be like,

"Um... excuse me. Sir?

Hi."

"Okay, listen. Um...

these are just my pajamas."

"Yeah, anybody could buy them.

Okay, look, I'm not a real doctor,

but don't worry about it 'cause

I'm gonna give it my best shot.

All right, I got this.

Everybody move back, please.

Move back. I need some space.

Everybody step back.

Okay, you call 9-1-1.

You, give me a skinny vanilla latte

and a breakfast sandwich.

You, I need a cup of hot water,

some lemon and some hot sauce, stat."

Then I'd just start saying any word

I've ever heard on Grey's Anatomy.

"Uh, you, uh, defibrillate

his aortic valve."

Another thing I've learned, being married,

is we're not always gonna see

eye to eye on things, you know?

No, we won't.

And like, for instance, okay,

there is a hierarchy

in the Latino culture.

We don't talk about it, but it's there.

There's all kinds

of different Latinos, right?

Mexican, Puerto Rican, Salvadorian,

Cuban, Colombian, Dominican,

blah-blah-blah-bian,

bleh-blah-blah-bian,

bleh-bleh-bleh.

All kinds of us, right?

And, like, my husband,

he's Puerto Rican, okay?

Any Puerto Ricans here tonight?

Hey. All seven of California's

Puerto Ricans came out tonight.

My husband, he's Puerto Rican, right?

So he thinks Puerto Ricans are at the top

because they have J. Lo.

All right. We get it.

Team Puerto Rico: one point.

Well played.

Me, I'm Mexican, okay?

Any Mexicans here tonight?

So, pretty much everybody else.

Okay.

I'm Mexican,

so I think Mexicans are at the top

because we have the best food.

These are just facts, you guys.

Google it if you want to.

We're not even, like,

the best in the Latino foods.

Like, we jumped into regular

food category. You know what I mean?

Like, ask any of your friends

what their favorite food is,

and nine out of ten times they're

gonna go, "Oh, uh, favorite food:

pizza, Chinese and Mexican."

They don't say Latino.

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