Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy Page #4

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"Oh, I like Latino food.

All-encompassing Latino food."

Nah, bro, they say Mexican.

That's wassup.

I mean, for the most part, people don't

even know the difference between us.

They think all Latinos eat Mexican food.

Ask any random white guy, "Hey, name

a Latino dish that is not Mexican."

"Uh, fa-jee-tahs."

No, that's Mexican. "Kay-suh-dill-uh."

No, that's also Mexican.

"Nacho Bellgrande."

That's American.

Nice try.

Team Mexico:
one point.

I may think Mexicans are at the top,

but I'm not the top Mexican.

I still don't speak Spanish.

I know. I wish I did.

Any other Latinos here

that do not speak Spanish?

Where you at?

See? I'm not the only one.

Air fives.

Where the Latinos that do speak Spanish?

Where are you guys at?

Oh, congratulations.

You're better than us.

I bet you put it on your rsum, too, huh?

"Bilingual, Spanish and English.

Happy face, happy face."

Well, good for you.

Felicidades.

I wish I spoke Spanish.

I got Rosetta Stone.

I've had it on my computer since 2006.

I'm still on level one.

Caballo, caballo, caballo.

Bicicletas son verdes.

Bicicletas son verdes.

This is why I'm still

on level one, you guys.

Every time I hear that

little computer lady say,

"Bicicletas son verdes,"

it sounds real rhythmic, like a song.

"Bicicletas son verdes."

So I just keep pressing the button.

Over and over.

Bicicletas son verd...

Bicicletas son verd...

Bicicle... Bicicle...

Bici... Bici... Bici... Bici...

Bicicleta

Bicicleta

Caballo

Caballo, er, er, er

Caballo

So I'm still on level one.

I'm not really learning Spanish,

but I do have a new favorite song.

"Bicicletas Son Verdes."

Pa-pa pom-pom

A lot of times people just assume

that I speak Spanish, right?

They'll just start saying

Spanish words at me really fast.

And I don't wanna come out

right away and be like,

"Whoa, whoa, wait.

I don't speak Spanish." Right?

'Cause I'm ashamed of myself.

So what I do is I just like to go along

with the conversation as long as I can.

And then, like, at the end,

I just give them like

a go-to Spanish phrase like,

"Ay, qu bueno."

But it usually has nothing to do

with what they're talking about.

So they're just like, "Huh?"

"Claro que s. Claro."

"No? No claro?

Okay.

Well, I haven't learned that song yet."

I still don't have kids.

I still don't want kids.

But I baby-sit a lot. I do. I baby-sit.

My friends always ask me

to baby-sit their kids.

The one person in the group

with no actual parenting experience.

You know what?

I learned that kids are smart.

And by smart, I mean manipulative.

They know how to get what they want.

They know how to get out of trouble.

"I run this house."

And they do.

They run the house, right?

Like, I was baby-sitting

my godson Elijah, right?

He's four years old, right?

He wouldn't eat his dinner.

I said, "Elijah, eat your dinner."

He just grabbed his food,

put it up to his mouth,

and then he put it back down.

I said, "Uh, Elijah, I can see you.

I'm a real person."

"You're not eating your dinner."

He goes, "Yes, I am."

I said, "Elijah, I'm gonna call your mom.

I'm gonna tell her

you're not eating your dinner."

You know what he said to me?

He goes, "Okay.

Can you tell her I'm thirsty, too?"

What a jerk.

I said,

"Uh, I'll tell her why I spanked you.

I'll tell her that, huh?

Oh, your mom doesn't do spanks?

Well, she's not here, is she?"

And that was the last time I baby-sat him.

Yeah.

And my sister just had a baby last year.

He's so cute, you guys.

Cutest baby in the whole wide world.

I know I'm biased because he's my nephew.

But then there's actual facts

that you can Google. So...

He's so cute, you guys.

He's half Vietnamese, half Mexican.

He's a little Vie-xican.

And he has the whitest name ever...

Austin Reed Williams.

Ay, que guero.

I know we didn't start off

very Latino with "Johnson," right?

But my brother-in-law, who's Vietnamese,

he was adopted by

an all-American white family,

and that's how he got

the last name "Williams."

Like, he was born in Vietnam,

they put him on a plane,

flew him to America, and now he's white.

I'm serious.

He's the only Vietnamese person I know

that listens to country music,

chews tobacco and goes hunting

on the weekends.

He considers his camouflage shirt

to be his "good" shirt.

Oh, yeah, he has embraced 'Merica.

He's Vietnamese, super white,

and he married a Mexican.

He's all kinds of confused.

And the crazy thing is, he speaks

better Spanish than my whole family does.

'Cause he works in construction

with real Mexicans.

My family's very Mexican-American, okay?

We speak very little Spanish.

My in-laws are super Puerto Rican.

They speak very little English.

But they try, okay? They try.

Like, my mother-in-law

will call me sometimes.

She'll leave me a message

on my voice mail like,

"Hola, mami.

It's your mother-in-law. Eh, call me."

So sweet.

They're super Puerto Rican.

Like, they should win

Puerto Rican Of The Year award.

No, they're really good at it.

Like, I don't know how they do it,

but no matter what they're talking about

in any conversation,

they can seamlessly bring up Marc Anthony.

You can have a conversation

with my father-in-law.

He'll be like, "Hey, the Yankees,

they're gonna be good this year.

But if not, it's okay. Marc Anthony,

he gonna do a special on TV.

I'll record it for you."

My mother-in-law

is very traditional, okay?

She likes to drink her Pilon coffee,

watch her stories,

make room on the wall for another

Puerto Rican flag somewhere...

Or coasters,

or a bath mat, or a clock.

Puerto Rico everywhere.

And she likes to keep up with us

in our busy lives, right?

So we taught her how to use

Instagram and Facebook.

I'm sorry, "Fay-book," um...

Which is great, 'cause now sometimes I'll

be going through my comments from people.

They'll be like, "Hey, love your videos.

When are you coming to Michigan?"

"Hey, we were at your show last night.

Had a great time."

"Hola, mami."

"It's your mother-in-law.

You look too skinny in that picture."

"Eh, call me."

So sweet.

Now that's she's on social media,

she loves to watch my every move.

Everything I do.

Like, remember when everybody was doing

the ALS ice bucket challenge? Right?

Well, I did one too, right?

So I posted it on Instagram.

My mother-in-law calls me the next day.

She goes,

"Anjelah, I seen you ice bucket video...

pero I didn't see no ice."

But she's really proud of us, too.

Like, she's super proud.

Like, anytime we're in a newspaper

or a magazine,

she'll cut it out, put it in a frame,

put it on the wall, right? Super proud.

And recently I noticed that she's started

printing out our Instagram photos.

So now, if you come over to my

in-laws' house and you look on the wall,

you'll see a family portrait

from the 1980s,

a picture from my wedding day,

and my lunch from eight months ago.

Hashtag "foodie," hashtag "nomnom."

She's learning.

I'm getting older, you guys.

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