Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy Page #5

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I'm getting older.

I mean, we all are.

We're all getting older.

But it's about me right now.

I'm getting older, but I don't feel it.

I don't feel like I'm getting older,

but I am noticing myself

starting to do older things, okay?

Like, I'm noticing, like, the questions

that I ask nowadays

are like old people questions.

Like, "What time is breakfast?"

"Do you accept coupons?"

You know, stuff like that.

And, like,

my friend went to a wedding, right?

And I feel like young people

would ask questions like,

"Oh, you went to a wedding? Was it fun?

Was there an open bar?

Did you meet anybody?"

Right? Like, stuff like that.

Me, I ask questions like,

"Oh, you went to a wedding?

Did they let you take

the centerpiece home?"

"How about the food?

What kind of food did they serve?

Was it, like, buffet-style?

It's the best.

How about parking? Was it valet?

Self-park? Ugh! Brutal."

I think I'm getting older

because I'm starting to give

way too many details to things.

Right? Way too many details.

And I see my dad do that.

He gives way too many details to stuff.

Like I can ask my dad

a very simple question.

"Hey, Dad, are you coming to visit me

this weekend or next weekend?"

His answer should sound something like,

"This weekend."

Or "Next weekend."

No, not my dad.

No, you ask my dad that question,

this is the answer you're gonna get:

"Oh, well, hey, I requested time off

from my supervisor.

He trying to tell me that

I didn't request the time off

when I know I did, and then here he goes

giving Diego like two weeks off.

You're not even supposed to have

two weeks at a time, right?

So I said, 'Look, I'm gonna

call my union rep, okay?'

Sometimes if you just say 'union rep, '

they get all scared.

So I said,

'Look, I'm gonna call my union rep.'

And then he goes,

'Fine, you can have your time off.'

But he almost didn't give it to me,

but then he did. But he almost didn't."

"So... this weekend..."

"...or next weekend?

Too many details, Dad.

You're not invited anymore."

I think I'm getting older

'cause I hear people around me

say things like, "Turn down for what?"

And then I tell them what.

"Turn down for what?"

"Uh, it's really loud."

"Turn down for what?"

"You have work in the morning."

"Pshh! Turn down for what?"

"You have three kids now!"

"It is about that time.

To turn it down."

Pa-pa pom-pom

Anybody here ever do jury duty?

Yeah?

I had jury duty not too long ago.

And we were one day into the trial,

and all of a sudden I was released

because apparently I am a terrible juror.

This what happened.

Um, okay, first of all,

I don't know if anybody here

has ever been to the movies

with your black friend, okay?

And your black friend

likes to talk to the movies

like the actors can hear them.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, "Ooh, you better run!"

"He right behind you!"

He right behind you!"

"He ain't even runnin'."

It was a similar situation

in the courtroom.

This what happened.

The first piece of evidence

they put up on a screen

is a picture of this woman's face

that's just, like, beat-up,

bruised, swollen.

You can't even tell it's a woman, right?

You're supposed to see the picture,

register it, and make a mental note.

Well, I can make a mental note.

I just have a hard time

not saying my mental note.

So the picture comes up on the screen

and my response is: "Ooh, what?"

"Oh, hell no!

Da-a-a-ang!"

"That's her face?"

"But that's her face, though?"

"Da-a-a-ang.

Wait, wait, wait. Put it back up."

"Lawyer lady,

put it up real quick, please?

Oh, hell no."

"Uh-uh. Guilty!"

"He did it."

"That's him right there."

They don't like it when you do that.

Even the process to get picked

to be on a jury is terrifying, right?

And, like,

I speak in front of people for a living.

That's what I do, right?

But all of a sudden,

because I'm in a courtroom in front of

maybe 30 people, even I'm nervous, right?

'Cause, like, the judge is talking to me,

and I'm just nervous

'cause a judge is talking to me.

I feel guilty for no reason.

And the judge is asking me questions like,

"Juror number 11, how do you

feel about scientific evidence?"

"Scientific evidence..."

"I didn't do very good in school."

"Uh, she said 'scientific.'"

"I feel like I should say a big word."

"Um...

scientific evidence...

is usually presented as factual evidence

in cases where certain circumstances

do not provide a level of authenticity

that has been derived

through process of elimination,

having been determined

in the petri dish..."

"...to show you

that, in fact, it is scientific."

"So...

yeah."

Then the judge just starts

taking notes, right?

Two attorneys, they start writing notes.

I'm like, "Uh, did I win that one?"

Now it's the attorneys' turn.

Now they get to ask me questions.

"Juror number 11, earlier you said that

scientific evidence was usually correct.

I think that's what

you were trying to say.

Do you have much experience

with scientific evidence?"

"Um...

other than Law & Order: SVU..."

"...no, not a whole lot."

Now she has to have a serious conversation

with me about a TV show.

"In these episodes of Law & Order: SVU,

has there ever been a case

where the scientific evidence

was proven incorrect?"

"Um...

well, I haven't seen every episode..."

"...but there was this one time

where Jennifer Love Hewitt

was guest-starring.

And she did a good job.

I thought she did real good.

It was like a new role for her.

It was real serious.

She had to cry a lot,

so I thought she did good.

Anyway, there was this guy.

He would follow her to work every day

since she was like 16 years old,

but he would rape her all the time,

like every day, every day,

every day, every day, every day.

And like, first of all,

I don't know how she didn't see him,

'cause even I saw him

right at the beginning of the episode.

I was like,

'Yeah, that's him walking right there.'

But that's 'cause, like, I'm real good

at figuring stuff out like that.

Typewriter lady, don't forget to put

that I'm real good at figuring stuff out.

Anyway, they found some DNA evidence,

and they couldn't connect it to him,

so then he got to go home."

"So do you still feel that

scientific evidence is usually correct?"

"Ohh.

I see what you did.

Wait a minute. Have I seen you

on an episode one time?"

'Cause I do watch Law & Order: SVU

all the time, you guys.

And it's got me thinking that

not only am I a terrible juror,

but I'd probably be a terrible

police detective as well.

Because, like, they show

these detectives...

Olivia Benson, right?

Yeah. Detective Stabler,

Detective New Hot Latino Guy.

Right? And they show 'em in these

adrenaline-pumping situations, right?

They're chasing a perp down an alley.

All of a sudden, they trip and fall.

They just get back up

and start chasing him again.

Has anybody here ever fallen before?

It hurts... you guys.

If I trip and fall down, I'm staying down.

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