Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy Page #6

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For a while.

Rubbing my knee.

I will be the cop that calls in like...

"Officer down!"

"Officer down."

"Are you shot?"

"No, but I need some Neosporin!"

"Hurry!

There's little rocks in it!"

To be a good cop, you have to

know your north from your south,

your east from your west.

You've seen the episodes, right?

"Suspect's heading southbound

on First Street."

This would be my call:

"Suspect made a left."

"Uh, north or south?"

"Definitely not to the right."

"Uh, in which direction?"

"Towards McDonald's."

They show 'em chasing this perp

into a dark, empty warehouse, right?

They have their gun out.

All of a sudden,

this guy just pops out of nowhere,

and their response is: "NYPD! Freeze!"

Where, like, my response would be:

Boom! "Who was that?"

But now he can't tell you who he was.

I'd probably be

a terrible 9-1-1 dispatcher.

God forbid you have to call 9-1-1...

and I answer the phone.

"9-1-1.

What's your emergency?

There's a guy trying to get in your house?

Well, did you lock the door?"

"You didn't lock the door?

Well, that was dumb, huh?"

"I mean, like,

you don't watch movies or..."

"No... Yeah, no, I'm sending the cops.

They are on their way,

but it's gonna be, like, 15 minutes.

You better find a hiding spot."

"And don't get under the bed.

They always look there first."

When I first started doing stand-up,

I got kind of famous on YouTube

for this joke about getting my nails done.

Oh, you've heard it?

It's...

It's crazy 'cause, like,

when this video first came out,

I had no idea it was

gonna blow up like that.

Like, so many people have seen this video

to the point where now I get scared

when I walk into a nail salon.

'Cause, like, I don't

want them to recognize me

and then, like,

cut my finger on purpose.

But then blame it on me

like it was my fault.

"Honey, relak your hand."

"You want to wak your eyebrow?"

"Uh, no, thank you."

"Honey, you need to wak."

"I lie your eye sadow. It look nice.

Your eye sadow. Look down. Look down."

"I lie the sadow."

Now sometimes the girls that are getting

their nails done, they recognize me.

Like, "Hey, you're the girl

that does the nail salon..."

"Mm, no!"

"What, are you crazy?"

Right? 'Cause, like, one time

I was getting my pedicure done,

and the lady that was doing

my pedicure, she said to me:

"What your name?"

And it wasn't like

your typical friendly greeting, like:

"Hi, honey. How you do?

How you mom?"

It was different.

It was very like:

"What your name?"

I said, "Anjelah." And she goes,

"That what I thought."

"Oh, shoot.

Vietnamese people have YouTube."

I started getting all nervous.

She could tell I was getting

a little uncomfortable,

so she goes,

"Don't worry, I don't tell nobody."

"Oh, thank you."

Besties!

People always ask me, like,

"How'd you learn to do that accent?

Who taught you how to do that?"

Right?

Well, I grew up in a place

called San Jose, California.

It's the Bay Area's Westminster, okay?

So I grew up eating pho.

Do you guys eat pho?

Right? So I grew up eating pho.

And I would put all kind of chili sauce

in my pho...

'cause I'm Mexican.

So I put all kind of chili sauce

in my pho,

and the lady that worked there,

she would get mad at me

'cause she thought I was just

playing around and wasting all her sauce.

So she would yell at me.

She'd be like:

"Don't put the too mut the sah!"

"If you put the too mut the sah,

you met the whole thing up."

"If you do the sah, you do the one tam."

"You do sah, no sah."

"Sah, no sah."

"Mah-mah say, mah-mah sah,

mah sah, no sah."

"If you met the whole thing up,

you don't get to take back."

"She don't get to take back!"

And when that joke first came out,

a lot of people loved it, right?

But some people hated it... and I started

getting hate mail from people.

Aww.

Yeah. Like, I would get a letter.

And you could tell it was

written by a Vietnamese person.

'Cause, like, I would read

a letter and it'd be like...

"If I see you in the street..."

"...you don't want that to happen."

Oohhh!

Then it started getting real crazy, right?

I started getting death threats.

One time after a show,

this Vietnamese guy,

he was so mad at me,

he yelled at me, he cussed at me.

But he didn't cuss correctly.

He come up to me real mad.

He was like...

"What the fut?"

Real mad. F-U-T.

"What the fut?"

I was like, "Mm, sir,

I don't even know if that counts."

I'm Anjelah Johnson.

Thank you guys so much

for coming out to my show.

I appreciate you.

I love you.

Thank you so much. Have a good night.

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