Annie Hall

FADE IN:

Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He

wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

ALVY:

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly

women are at a Catskills mountain

resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the

food at this place is really terrible."

The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and

such ... small portions." Well, that's

essentially how I feel about life. Full

of loneliness and misery and suffering

and unhappiness, and it's all over much

too quickly. The-the other important

joke for me is one that's, uh, usually

attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think

it appears originally in Freud's wit and

its relation to the unconscious. And it

goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...

"I would never wanna belong to any club

that would have someone like me for a

member." That's the key joke of my adult

life in terms of my relationships with

women. Tsch, you know, lately the

strangest things have been going

through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,

tsch, and I guess I'm going through a

life crisis or something, I don't know.

I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.

I'm not one o' those characters, you know.

Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's

about the worst you can say about me. I,

uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get

older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the-

the balding virile type, you know, as

opposed to say the, uh, distinguished

gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm

neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'

those guys with saliva dribbling out of

his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria

with a shopping bag screaming about

socialism.

(Sighing)

Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't

get my mind around that. You know, I-I

keep sifting the pieces of the relationship

through my mind and-and examining my life

and tryin' to figure out where did the

screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we

were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and

... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a

morose type. I'm not a depressive character.

I-I-I, uh,

(Laughing)

you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,

I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn

during World War II.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY

Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned,

cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a

cigarette and listening.

MOTHER:

(To the doctor)

He's been depressed. All off a sudden,

he can't do anything.

DOCTOR:

(Nodding)

Why are you depressed, Alvy?

MOTHER:

(Nudging Alvy)

Tell Dr. Flicker.

(Young Alvy sits, his head down. His

mother answers for him)

It's something he read.

DOCTOR:

(Puffing on his cigarette and

nodding)

Something he read, huh?

ALVY:

(His head still down)

The universe is expanding.

DOCTOR:

The universe is expanding?

ALVY:

(Looking up at the doctor)

Well, the universe is everything, and if

it's expanding, someday it will break apart

and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

MOTHER:

(shouting)

What is that your business?

(she turns back to the doctor)

He stopped doing his homework.

ALVY:

What's the point?

MOTHER:

(Excited, gesturing with her hands)

What has the universe got to do with it?

You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not

expanding!

DOCTOR:

(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)

It won't be expanding for billions of years

yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy

ourselves while we're here. Uh?

He laughs.

CUT TO:

Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.

A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window

of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

ALVY'S VOICE

My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood

memories, but I swear I was brought up

underneath the roller-

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while

his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every

move of the roller coaster.

ALVY'S VOICE

-coaster in the Coney Island section of

Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my

personality, which is a little nervous, I

think.

CUT TO:

Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men

representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman

in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The

girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the

concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller

coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

ALVY'S VOICE

You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.

My mind tends to jump around a little, and

have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

CUT TO:

Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other

as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

ALVY'S VOICE

My father ran the bumper-car concession.

(Alvy as a child moves into the frame

driving a bumper car. He stops as other

cars bombard him. His father continues

to direct the traffic)

There-there he is and there I am. But I-I-I-I

used to get my aggression out through those

cars all the time.

Alvy backs up his car off screen.

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY

The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the

blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.

While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.

- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

ALVY'S VOICE

I remember the staff at our public

school. You know, we had a saying, uh,

that "Those who can't do, teach, and

those who can't teach, teach gym." And

...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't

do anything, I think, were assigned to

our school. I must say-

CUT TO:

A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The

blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans

her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy

as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;

there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

ALVY'S VOICE

I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.

Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little

face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss

Perfect all the time. And-and Ivan

Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

IVAN:

Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him,

reacting.

ALVY'S VOICE

Even then I knew they were just jerks.

(The camera moves back to the teacher,

who is glaring out at her students)

In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.

She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to

his seat.

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