Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers

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Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, San Francisco.

Thank you so much.

So good to be here.

People were surprised

when I told 'em I was gonna

tape my special in San Francisco.

Said, "Why would you do that?

That's the most politically

correct city in the world."

Not when I'm on stage, it's not.

I love this place.

One of my favorite cities to perform in.

It's a good place to hang out.

Got to walk around a little bit today.

Saw a baby.

Saw a baby locked

inside the back of a hot car.

So it's been a great day.

Love that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a monster.

I tried to help the baby.

Tried to throw a rock through the window.

Window was down.

Ruined that baby's whole weekend.

It was worth it.

I love San Francisco.

One of my favorite things is

how beautiful all the women are here.

Yeah. Women in San Francisco

are gorgeous.

I say that despite what's...

going on in this crowd tonight.

But you guys live here.

You guys live here. You've seen 'em.

I was in a bar last night,

saw this beautiful woman.

Like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like,

"Hey, where you from?

What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me?

I live here in San Francisco.

I'm a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist,

but I was really impressed.

You know? I mean...

Most women... can't pull off sarcasm.

This is gonna be a good show.

See, that joke, that joke is a test.

To see if you guys are cool or not.

That thing about the baby in the car,

that's just me clearing my throat.

That joke's the test.

If you guys laugh at that joke,

whole show goes great.

You don't laugh at that joke,

whole show goes bad.

And I've had shows go very, very bad.

Doesn't matter to me at all.

Now, this next joke,

this next joke is a test

to see how cool you are.

I, uh...

I used to have a son.

Already some of you see

where this is going, that's good.

That's good.

I used to have a little

two-year-old son, but he died.

The same way Eric Clapton's son died.

For inspiration.

I'm not gonna lie, this is the best

that joke has ever done.

You guys kinda laughed,

then started talking to each other

for some reason.

Then started clapping, that is amazing.

Most people just boo me.

But if you didn't understand

the joke... don't worry.

It's a complicated joke,

a lot of things you gotta know.

That joke is like an onion.

You've gotta know who Eric Clapton is.

Not a given these days.

You've gotta know about his kid.

You gotta know how clumsy

that little lad was.

You gotta know about that

terrible f***ing song.

And then you gotta think all that's funny.

Now, I gotta get to know

you guys a little bit.

Starting with you for sure.

I can tell you're a big comedy fan

and bat-sh*t insane.

Did you just come

from the f***ing dentist or what?

What is your name?

- Peggy Jo.

- Peggy.

Peggy, what do you try to do?

Not a lot, I'm disabled.

You're disabled?

I know you're disabled.

Is this your husband with you?

Okay.

Sir, what do you do,

so I can move the f*** on.

- I'm an electrician.

- You're an electrician?

Great. That's an honorable job.

That's a good job to have.

I'm sure you shock the sh*t out of her

on a daily basis.

Electrician.

It's a wonderful job.

There's a lot of bad jobs out there,

I'll tell you that right now.

Lot of bad jobs.

Hell, my Uncle John

runs a summer camp for...

kids about to get molested.

I know, right?

I know, it sounds awful.

Sounds awful,

but he loves it. He's like...

Says he's never worked

a day in his life.

Doesn't pay much, but the benefits...

Do you guys have any kids? How many?

I have one, and he has two.

Okay.

You guys ever done that thing

where you go online

and see how many

sex offenders live around you?

Isn't it crazy?

Isn't it way more than you'd think?

You think it might be like one or two.

No, it's like chicken pox.

I went online, 15 child molesters.

Fifteen child molesters

within five miles of my apartment.

So, why do we always

have to meet at my place?

And if you're wondering,

"Anthony, this is great,

but are all of these jokes

gonna be about hurting children?"

I don't know, probably.

Seems like something I would do.

I of course live in Los Angeles.

I've got a nice place.

Obviously.

My brother's been staying with me,

which has been awful.

My brother is crazy.

Even my neighbors hate him.

The other day I opened the door,

I caught him masturbating.

He looks me right in the eyes and goes,

"Shut the door."

I said, "Get inside."

My family loves it

when I put them in jokes. They love it.

"Anthony, please,

put me in your next joke."

"Are you sure? I'm gonna

make you a pedophile."

"We don't care. We wanna be part

of this thing you've got going on."

So I wrote that joke, put my brother in.

I'm in Chicago, where he lives.

After the show, he comes backstage

and I say, "Mikey,

what'd you think about that new joke?

Did you like the shout out?"

And he gets all uncomfortable.

He goes, "Well, crowd seemed

to think it was funny...

but I think it's kinda weird

that you got a joke

where you wanna f*** me."

And I said, "What, Mikey? No!

No, Mikey. You're my brother.

That's a joke about you

masturbating in front of my house."

And he goes, "Yeah, and then

you're like, 'Get back inside.'"

Just in case you guys are wondering

whether my brother's a f***in' idiot.

Yeah, I've got a nice place.

Try to keep it nice.

Not always successful.

Like, I tried getting a puppy.

Disaster.

Had to get rid of that puppy.

Had to get rid of that puppy

almost immediately.

The first time I left it home alone,

the first time

I left that puppy home alone,

that damn thing

tore my entire place apart,

sh*t everywhere,

and starved to death.

Why are you mad?

I'm the one who couldn't

get his money back.

And this is traditionally where

crowds really start to turn on me.

After I kill a puppy with neglect.

And it's okay.

It's okay, you can get mad at me.

You can hate me.

You can hate me and still laugh at me.

That's how talented I am.

And I'm used to it. I'm used to it.

I once dated a girl who punched me

in the face as hard as she could.

Once dated a girl, punched me right

in the face as hard as she could.

I didn't do anything about it.

I didn't say anything about it.

I just turned around and left the room.

But in my head, in my head,

all I was thinking was...

"Now we're even."

She was so mad.

She got mad at me.

She got mad at me

'cause I killed all of her plants.

Killed every single one

of her house plants.

And she had told me.

She said, "Anthony,

I'm going out of town for two weeks.

Give each one of these half a cup

of water every other day."

But I'm a dude.

All I heard was "two weeks"

and "cheat on me."

Like my neighbors in L.A...

My neighbors in L.A. have got this

smokin' hot 18-year-old daughter.

I mean, she's perfect.

But she just got a tattoo

of a butterfly over her chest.

Which is horrible.

Doesn't she understand how dumb

that's gonna look some day,

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