Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #2

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all stretched out over my lamp?

Yeah, that's a joke.

That's a joke where I'm a serial killer.

I'm very open about it.

Don't you dare tighten up on me.

I hate sensitivity.

I hate it.

Even when little kids get sensitive,

that makes me mad.

I got a six-year-old nephew.

I asked what he wants for

his birthday. He said, "Uncle Anthony,

I want you to get me a Barbie doll."

I said, "F*** you."

"You six-year-old piece of sh*t."

And don't get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong,

I don't care if he plays with dolls.

He can wear dresses if he wants to.

But I'm not getting him a Barbie doll.

You see, Barbie dolls give little boys

unrealistic expectations...

...of how easy it's gonna be

to tear off a head.

I won't do it.

I get really mad when people

get sensitive about comedy.

If you're sensitive about comedy,

it's the dumbest thing you can do.

I call them the joke police.

They always have one rule,

one rule they have.

You can't make fun of this right now.

After a couple years,

they move on to something else,

which is why it's so hypocritical.

Like the thing today,

the thing right now

you can't make fun of,

the thing that's too sensitive

at this moment?

Trans-gendered people.

See?

You can't do it.

Can't make fun of them.

It's too sensitive.

In fact, you can't even call them

"chicks with d*cks" anymore.

No. No.

You have to call them

"men who talk too much."

Right?

But I hear this all the time.

People'll be like,

"Anthony, that was really funny.

But, man, women must hate you.

Women must come to your shows

and hate the sh*t out of you."

And I always say, "No. No.

Stupid women hate my shows."

"Stupid women hate my shows.

Smart women... don't come to my shows."

Speaking of which, what's your name?

- What? Kim.

- Kim.

- Kim, where you from?

- San Jose.

San Jose? Okay.

What do you do, Kim?

Um, I'm a branch manager.

- Like for a bank? For a Pizza Hut?

- No, for...

What? What the f***?

Where'd you go to school?

- UC Santa Cruz.

- What'd you study?

- Economics.

- Economics? Okay.

You ever gonna use that someday?

I had to go to Catholic school

when I was a kid.

Hated Catholic school.

Hated Catholic school more than anything.

The nuns were vicious.

They would hit me with a ruler,

slap me in the face.

Anything to defend themselves.

You guys loved

the sh*t out of that one, huh?

Hated school.

When I was in the fifth grade,

one of my classmates got cancer.

Came down with the cancer.

Which was sad.

But the story is actually cool

and inspiring.

Every single guy...

Every single guy in the school, we all...

shaved our heads to make fun of him.

Yeah.

No, it was great.

It was great, we did it for like a month.

We would have kept doin' it, but you know.

You know how cancer gets.

You guys ever... You guys ever

trace back your family history?

Go back a couple generations

in your family tree,

find out embarrassing sh*t

you wish you didn't know?

I traced my family tree back,

found that I actually had family

fighting on both sides in World War II.

Humiliating.

The piece-of-sh*t side of my family fought

for the Nazi infantry in Germany,

while the bad-ass Jeselniks

were here in America

spying for the Germans.

I assume everyone is drinking tonight?

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Whoo!

That's good. I love to drink.

Love it. Do it all the time,

every day, always have.

I don't know where it comes from either.

Even my parents tell me,

when I was just a little baby,

I used to climb out of

my crib every morning,

and then crawl over

to the liquor cabinet...

to try to spend time with them.

I like San Francisco, so liberal.

So liberal. Clap your hands here.

Clap your hands if you own a gun.

San Jose is in the house, huh?

Not too bad.

I once asked the crowd

in Houston that question.

They just started firing guns in the air.

Didn't even let me finish the question.

I don't own a gun.

I'm against guns, to be honest.

When I was a kid...

When I was a kid, my parents had a gun.

My parents said we had to have a gun.

Gotta have a gun to protect

the five children.

Gotta have a gun

to protect our five children.

Of course, they eventually

got rid of it...

to protect their four children.

I'm not gonna lie,

it was fun while it lasted.

I was getting pretty good towards the end.

Man, my parents were strict.

Mom and dad were strict.

My mom and dad once made me smoke

an entire pack of cigarettes.

An entire pack of cigarettes

in one sitting.

Just to teach me an important lesson

about brand loyalty.

I learned a lot from my parents.

Especially my dad.

Like, I'll never forget...

the first time I ever got

a bad report card in school.

First time I got a bad report card,

I brought it home,

I gave it to my dad

and my dad beat me.

Beat the hell out of me.

But I learned something.

Because the next time I got

a bad report card in school,

I brought it home

and I gave it to my mom.

Let her take the hit.

Yeah.

My dad was a hard-ass.

One of those guys who believed that

men just learn by doing things.

You know? You don't take classes.

You don't read the instructions.

You just do it and figure it out.

Like, when I was a kid,

I never got to take swimming lessons.

No, my dad would pick me up

and throw me in the water

to teach himself CPR.

As a kid, my dad's prized possession,

my dad's favorite thing

in the world growing up?

My dad was the proud owner

of a Mickey Mantle rookie card.

Mickey Mantle rookie

baseball card, mint condition.

Kept it between two

little pieces of plastic.

But I was a kid.

I didn't know any better.

One day I took that card to school

and I traded it to a classmate

for a candy bar.

You know what that card is worth today?

My relationship with my father.

I mean it, my dad was no joke.

My dad did not f*** around.

My dad did not trust anybody.

My dad did not trust anyone.

In fact, he had a saying...

but he wouldn't tell me.

What, too clever for you?

That joke is f***in' amazing.

Last year was a sad year for my family.

Last year, my mom should've been

celebrating her 60th birthday.

But because of drugs, alcohol

and other terrible decisions,

we all forgot.

It was sad.

When I was a kid, I used to fantasize

about getting older,

growing up and having money,

and buying my mom

nice things for her birthday.

When I was a kid, we were poor.

So poor I remember,

just so I could go to my senior prom,

just so I could go to my senior prom,

I had to sell my

U.S. passport on the street.

Sold my passport

on the street for 300 bucks

to get to go to my prom.

Of course this was before 9/11 so...

my bad, everybody.

Weird joke to clap for, but sure.

My mom should've been on one

of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

I think.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I loved my mother.

She was my mom, of course

I loved her. We fought a lot.

My mom could be very racist.

Very racist.

And I do not tolerate racism.

That's ignorance and I hate that.

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