Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #3

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When I was a kid, like nine years old,

I'd come home after school.

Once in a while, I'd bring a friend

over to play with me at my house.

Once in a while,

I'd bring a black friend over.

And when I did that,

my mom would act weird.

She'd pull me aside and say,

"Anthony, who's your new friend?

Is he a drug dealer?"

And I would say,

"Shut up, Mom, that's racist.

Put your money away."

I never get to see

my family anymore, really.

Most of them are in jail, to be honest.

And we never talk, write letters

or any of that sh*t.

'Cause they're all in jail

for the exact same thing.

My testimony.

You.

- What's your name?

- Melissa.

- Melissa, where you from?

- Santa Clara.

- What do you do?

- I win things on the radio.

- You win things on the radio?

- Yeah.

Follow-up question,

how'd you get tickets to this?

Let me ask you this.

You ever, uh... you ever find a body

in the woods? Ever do that?

No?

It's okay. I have.

I was walking

through the woods one day and...

some poor bastard had stepped

in a bear trap or something.

I never told anybody about it.

But I went back there a week later,

and he was dead.

Yeah.

I do crazy sh*t like that all the time.

What can I say? I'm wacky.

The other night I was driving my car.

I was driving my car

and I ran over a deer...

a dear, dear friend.

I'm torn constantly. At night, I do shows,

but during the day, I've got a hobby.

During the day,

I go from town to town...

and I shut down the local abortion clinic.

You heard me.

I shut down abortion clinics

everywhere I go.

It's easy for me. I'm charming.

I stand outside the front doors

all day long and...

consistently underbid them.

You guys mad about that one?

It's gonna get so much f***in' worse.

Gotta talk to one more person.

You, sir. What's your name?

- Allan.

- Allan, where you from?

- Frisco.

- Frisco.

I can tell you're a local

'cause of how cool you are.

What do you do, Frisco?

- I fight fires. I fight fires.

- You what?

You're a firefighter? Awesome.

What do you wanna do?

If you could do anything.

If you could do any job in the world,

what would your dream job be?

- Travel the world.

- Travel the world.

It's good to have a dream.

I hope you go for it.

It doesn't sound like

you're even gonna get close.

I think you should do it.

Travel the world.

Do it. Everyone should try

to live their dream, that's my point.

Everyone.

I get to live my dream.

I mean, not when I'm in San Francisco,

but for the most part.

Being a comedian was my dream.

'Cause no one can tell me what to do.

That's all I cared about.

Most people don't ever

try to live their dream.

Lot of people try and they fail.

Which I think is better,

more noble, more respectable.

I had an uncle. All he ever dreamed about,

cared about, talked about...

wanted to become an astronaut.

Fly into space one day.

And he went for it.

He went for it.

And he failed. He blew it.

Ended up becoming one of those pussies...

...on the Space Shuttle Challenger.

You guys remember that, right?

I think it's funny.

I think it's funny how the things

that happen to us when we're kids

end up staying with us

for our entire lives.

I got this little niece.

When she was three years old,

she almost drowned.

And now to this day, even ten years later,

she still will not go anywhere near me.

Yeah, I was babysitting her...

and trying to do laundry.

And she accidentally

fell into the washing machine.

Thought I was quick. I got good reflexes.

I thought I got her out

before anyone would find out

what happened, but nope.

Turned everything pink.

You're gonna find out a lot

about yourselves on this next one.

Hey, did you guys know...

Did you guys know

that when a newborn baby...

when a newborn baby is first born,

when it's fresh out of the womb...

it can actually hear and see

everything around it...

for up to ten seconds

after it's decapitated?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I never know what to say.

I never know what to say to someone

after they've lost a baby.

What do you say to someone

after they've lost a baby?

"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss"?

Doesn't cut it.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Not even close.

That's why I just keep my mouth shut.

Let my lawyer do the talking.

I'm not good with kids. That's my point.

That's what this whole thing's about.

I'm not good with kids. Not gonna lie.

Hell, a couple of months ago,

I dropped my cousin's baby.

Flat-out dropped

my cousin's baby on the ground.

But I don't feel like that was my fault.

I don't feel responsible

for that one, you know?

Who in their right mind...

who the hell in their right mind

would ever ask me,

Anthony Jeselnik,

to be a pallbearer?

It's okay, people hate...

people hate dead baby jokes.

They hate them.

They hate them.

It's like, "Anthony, why do you have

to tell dead baby jokes?

Why do you have so many dead baby jokes?"

"No one likes them, why do you insist?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

Because dead baby jokes have made me rich.

And who was it?

Who was it who said

the first million is the hardest?

Was it Hitler?

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

That was a good response.

Most audiences

just pretend I didn't say it.

But I like it. I like making Hitler jokes.

It's cool for me.

I enjoy it. Hell, I lost my grandfather.

I lost my grandfather

in the Holocaust Museum.

It was the Holocaust Museum of Modern Art.

Which is just like

a normal Holocaust museum,

except you walk around all day

being like, "Oh!

I should have thought of that."

My grandmother died about a year ago.

And I didn't think

anything could ever be worse

than when my grandmother passed away.

But I was wrong.

It was fine.

The hard part, the upsetting part...

was that we thought she died

in the way that she wanted.

She wanted to die

in the best way possible, like uh...

You, radio winner.

What's the best way you can die?

This is not a trick question.

- In your sleep?

- Yes, thank you.

Thank you, everybody wants

to die peacefully in their sleep.

Not me.

I want to be alert, awake,

surrounded by friends,

in a house fire.

But my grandmother

wanted to go peacefully in her sleep.

We thought that's how she went.

We were all excited for her.

But then we did an autopsy.

Found out she actually died horribly,

in the worst way possible.

During an autopsy.

It was f***ed up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She always said her grandkids

didn't pay enough attention to her and...

and she was right.

She was dead on.

But I loved my grandma.

Loved her very much.

My grandma taught me about a lot.

Taught me what religion is.

Taught me everything

you can know about religion,

in one quick story. I'll tell you now.

When I graduated from high school...

When I graduated, my grandma came to me,

gave me a big hug,

said, "Anthony, I'm so proud of you.

You're my first grandchild

to get to go to college.

What can I do for you, what can I give you

before you go to college?"

And I said, "Honestly, Grandma,

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