Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #4

---

all I need from you is money."

Yeah, I know you guys have never been,

but college is expensive.

And my grandma said,

"Okay, Anthony, I understand."

Couple months go by.

It's the end of summer.

I'm packing up my dad's car,

getting ready to go to school,

and my grandma walks up.

Says, "Anthony, here,

before you leave, take this."

And she handed me a brand-new Bible.

King James Version.

And I said, "Thanks, Grandma,

that's exactly what we talked about."

I got in the car and I went off to school.

Couple of weeks go by,

I'm hanging out in my dorm room,

having a good time, when the phone rings.

It's my grandma.

"Anthony, just calling

to see how college is going."

"Grandma, college is the best.

I'm having the time of my life.

But to be honest, I'm starting

to run low on money,

and I could use a little bit,

like we talked about."

She said, "Okay, well let me ask you this:

Have you been reading your Bible?"

And I said, "Totally, Grandma,

I'm on chapter four."

She said, "Okay, Anthony,

I guess I'll talk to you later."

Hung up the phone.

Couple of months go by. Now I'm really

starting to struggle financially.

Might have to drop out of school,

so I call my grandma in a panic.

I say, "Please, it's Anthony.

I'm having the time of my life in college.

But if I wanna graduate, and I do,

I need you to send me some money

like we talked about."

She said, "Anthony, let me ask you this:

Have you been reading your Bible?"

And I said, "Yes, Grandma!

I wish it was longer!"

And she said, "Okay, Anthony.

I guess I'll talk to you later."

Finally, it's the end of the school year.

I've got straight A's,

but I'm dropping out of college,

'cause I have no more money left.

And I'm furious, close to tears,

cleaning out my dorm room,

when the phone rings. It's my grandma.

"Anthony, I heard you're dropping out

of school today. How come?"

And I said, "You know

goddamn well how come, Grandma!

'Cause you wouldn't give me any money."

She said, "Anthony, let me ask you this:

Did you read your Bible?"

And I just hung up the phone.

I was so pissed off.

Took everything out of that room.

Last thing I took off the shelf,

the last thing I took out of that room,

was that Bible my grandma had given me.

Took it off the shelf,

held it in my hands,

and for the first time,

I actually opened it up.

And on the very first page,

in my grandmother's handwriting,

it said, "F*** you."

Thank you everyone.

I hope you enjoyed the jokes

I prepared for you tonight.

And all the jokes I write,

they're all made up, they're all fake,

except for Eric Clapton

and the Challenger.

Everything else...

everything else is fake.

But everything I'm about to tell you,

from here until the end of the show,

that's all true.

Now...

I don't tell dark jokes

because I'm a comedian.

I'm a comedian because I tell dark jokes.

I'm kind of f***ed up, all right?

I've always been this way.

I can't really help myself.

It gets me into trouble a lot.

I lose friends.

It's ruined relationships

with people in my family.

For instance, my grandmother

actually did pass away,

about six months ago.

I did love her very much.

She was a big fan of mine.

And I was asked to speak at her funeral,

which was a horrible mistake.

Horrible mistake.

No one should ever ask me

to speak at anyone's funeral.

I asked a friend for advice.

Was like, "I've never

talked to a group of people

without getting paid a lot of money.

How should I handle this?"

"Anthony, just go up there

and tell a story.

Find one moment about you and your grandma

you can share with everybody.

And don't tell a joke. Try not to."

So I walked up and was like,

"You know what my favorite memory was?

When I was like four years old,

before I learned to read,

Grandma would curl up with me

on the couch,

she had this Southern accent,

and she would read to me.

She would read Mark Twain to me,

and I loved it. Like...

Mark Twain out of my grandma's mouth,

it would just come to life."

And then I couldn't help myself.

I said,

"And I know my grandma loved it too,

because it combined

her two favorite things:

spending time with her grandchildren,

and using the 'N' word."

Now I promise you... I promise you...

until you've heard your grandfather gasp

at his own wife's funeral...

...at a Methodist Church

in Vicksburg, Mississippi...

you are not a real comedian.

I am a real comedian.

I am a pure comedian.

I think I'm one of the best

comedians of all time.

But here's the thing.

It doesn't matter if you believe me.

It really doesn't matter.

The important thing is that

I would pass a lie detector test.

I like to test myself.

I like to test myself by joking

about horrible things and nothing but.

One of my favorite ways to test myself,

I like to joke about tragedies

the day that they happen.

The day they happen.

I don't believe in too soon.

I'm on a tight schedule.

And I'm good at it. I'm good at it.

Like, the day of...

the day of the Aurora, Colorado

Batman movie theater shooting.

The day it happened,

I went online, I went on Twitter,

and I tweeted "Other than that,

how was the movie?"

Right?

Right? Nailed it.

Nailed it.

And the reason I get away with that...

the reason I get away with stuff like that

is I'm just the guy who does it.

People are used to it from me.

It would be weird if I didn't make a joke

the day of a tragedy.

Which is why I was very surprised

when I got in a lot of trouble

the day of the Boston Marathon.

Now, I don't follow the news regularly.

But I know the second a tragedy happens

because I get 25 text messages

saying, "Don't do it."

And whenever I see that...

whenever I see that, it makes me sad.

It makes me sad 'cause I know

something horrible has happened.

People will say, "Anthony,

what's funny about Aurora?

What's funny about the Boston Marathon?

What's funny about

your grandmother's funeral?"

Nothing!

Nothing is funny about those things.

That's where I come in.

So I see these texts and I'm like,

"Oh, no, what happened?"

But I also think, "I've got a job to do."

So I go online, I start reading about it.

I don't want to watch the footage.

But I'll read about what happened.

And I think, "How can I make

someone laugh today?"

And then I think, "I got it."

I go back on Twitter.

And I tweet, "Guys, today, there are just

some lines that should not be crossed."

"Especially the finish line."

And again, I think,

"Nailed it. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"

But then my phone starts to ring.

And it's my boss.

Or should I say my former boss.

And they say,

"Anthony, this is unacceptable.

You are not just a comedian today.

You're also the host of your own TV show,

with your name in the title,

on our network.

You take this joke down right now

or you're fired."

And I say, "Go f*** yourselves."

And I meant it. I didn't

get into comedy for money or fame.

I know that sounds wrong,

because I'm dripping with both.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote