Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #5

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I only got into this business

so that no one could tell me what to do.

And they said... Sure.

They said, "Well, Anthony,

you don't understand.

You don't understand at all. If you don't

take this joke down right now,

if you don't delete this joke right now,

not only are you fired,

but the entire cast and crew

of your television show,

about a hundred people,

they're also out of a job."

And I'm ashamed to tell you this.

I'm embarrassed to admit it.

But in that moment, I folded,

and I deleted the joke.

'Cause I'm happy to fight

for what I believe in.

I'm happy to take the consequences

for what I've done.

But what I could not do, cannot do,

is walk up to my cameraman

and say, "Hey, buddy,

no work for you on Monday.

I had this sweet tweet."

Couldn't do it.

But as soon as I hit delete,

I got mad and I regretted it.

I would fire every single one of those

f***ing a**holes now, I'll tell ya that.

And I got mad for betraying myself

and everything I believe in.

I'm just as mad today as I was then.

Just as mad.

So mad, I had to have a meeting

with the network,

where they called me in

for a little lecture.

They're like, "Anthony, we're family.

Why are you so upset?

Can't you see we did you a favor?

Don't you worry about your career?"

Let me ask you, San Francisco,

do I seem like I worry about my career?

No.

You know why people who win the lottery

always end up going bankrupt?

Because if they're worried

about their money,

they wouldn't have played the lottery

in the first f***in' place.

I do not worry about my career.

And they said, "Anthony, the problem is

when you make a joke on Twitter

the day of a tragedy,

it seems like you're

making fun of the victims,

and that's wrong."

But that's not what I'm doing.

Because, you see, the day of a tragedy,

victims are not on Twitter.

Am I wrong?

Tell me I'm wrong.

The day of a tragedy,

victims have got victim sh*t to do.

No one is ever...

No one is ever putting on a tourniquet,

asking, "Hey, are we trending?"

No.

This is who I'm making fun of

when I make a joke on Twitter

the day of a tragedy.

The people who see

something horrible happen in the world

and they run to the Internet.

And they run to their social media,

Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got.

And they all write down

the exact same thing:

"My thoughts and prayers..."

"My thoughts and prayers

with the people in Aurora."

"My thoughts and prayers

with the families in Boston."

Do you know what that's worth?

F***ing nothing.

F***ing less than nothing.

Less than nothing.

You are not giving any of your time,

your money or even your compassion.

All you are doing, all you are doing,

is saying, "Don't forget about me today."

"Don't forget about me."

"Lots of crazy distractions in the news,

but don't forget how sads I am."

Those people are worthless

and they deserve to be made fun of.

They're like a wedding photographer

who only takes selfies.

You understand?

Now I'm sure everyone here

has told a joke before

where nobody laughed at it.

It's fine. It's embarrassing,

but it's fun. You can laugh at yourself.

It's not a reason to stop telling jokes.

Maybe some of you have told a joke before

where someone got mad at you for it.

Trust me, that's fun too.

You guys ever tell a joke

and then get death threats?

Well, I guess that's what makes me me.

On my television show,

I once did a segment

that aired once and only once,

before it was banned,

called "Shark Party." All right?

Now...

Some of you enjoyed it,

but if you've never seen "Shark Party,"

you can never see "Shark Party."

It's been wiped off the face of the earth

by the powers that be,

so I will explain it to you.

I love sharks.

I love sharks more than anything.

People... People I can

barely f***ing tolerate.

Every single year, 100 million sharks

are killed by human beings.

Every year, 20,

25 people killed by sharks?

So when I hear about a shark attack,

I'm like, "F***, yeah."

Win one for the home team.

So as soon as I get this show

where I can do what I want,

I say, "You know what?

I want to have a shark party.

As soon as there's a shark attack,

we're having a shark party."

And I get lucky.

About a month into my run, this guy from

New Zealand gets eaten by a great white,

the champagne of sharks.

And I know exactly what to do.

I've already got the script written.

I walk on stage,

in front of the cameras.

I say, "Ladies and gentlemen,

this guy from New Zealand

has been eaten by a great white shark.

It's time for a shark party."

Lights go down, music comes up.

Six women wearing shark dresses

come out on either side of me,

and we all start dancing.

For way too long.

A stripper wearing a giant shark head

runs out and gives me a lap dance.

Very tasteful.

And then I stand up and we show

a giant picture of the guy who got eaten.

Which, in retrospect,

is where it all went wrong.

But I get to say my favorite thing

I've ever said on television:

"Smile, you son of a b*tch. Shark party."

And in America, where I'm famous

for those types of shenanigans...

everybody was like,

"Anthony, that was f***ed up."

"It was f***ed up to see you dance."

End of controversy.

However, in New Zealand,

where they don't get my show,

they've never seen me,

and frankly, they don't get out much...

the New Zealand media takes the video...

and they show it to the guy's family.

And they say,

"What do you guys think about this?"

And they say, "Crikey," or whatever

the f*** they say over there.

The point is, all of New Zealand,

all of New Zealand rises up against me.

All 45 of those c*nts rise up.

And start threatening my life.

Now, I don't read the things that people

write about me on the Internet.

But I pay people who do.

And they come to me,

and they're like,

"We've got some terrible news.

Please sit down."

They say, "You are getting

a lot of death threats online

from New Zealand

because of 'Shark Party.'"

And I was like, "Really?

New Zealand wants to kill me?

That's weird because

they didn't even kill the shark."

I said, "How many

death threats am I getting?"

And they were like "Oh, all of them.

You are getting all of the death threats.

What do you want us to do?

We can send someone to talk to them.

Extra security? What do you want?"

I said, "No, forget about it.

Leave it alone, don't worry."

This might be hard for some to understand.

I've said it several times tonight.

Everyone is going to die.

I know full well I am going to die.

And most of us don't get to choose

how we check out.

But if I die because someone murders me

over one of my jokes?

Best case scenario.

If somebody murders me

over one of my jokes,

I immediately become a legend.

I'm a comedy God.

The Mount Rushmore of comedy is me,

four times.

I said, "Come on then."

My security guys are like,

"Okay, Anthony, well, just so you know,

that is the dumbest thing

we've ever heard."

"But you're the boss. Okay."

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