Antz Page #2

Z:

The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

AZTECA:

No, Z. The squeaky wheel gets thrown

away, alright? You're a good ant, Z,

even though you are a pain in my rear-

segment. I don't wanna see

anything happen to you. So quit

mouthing off, before you get in

trouble.

A WHISTLE BLOWS.

Z:

Thank goodness. Breaktime.

All the ants put down their tools. A beat. Then the WHISTLE

BLOWS AGAIN. All the ants pick up their tools again.

AZTECA:

(resigned)

Break's over.

Z:

(getting back to work)

This colony needs another tunnel like

a hole in the ground. Why are we

even digging this thing?

AZTECA:

Who cares, Z. All I know is, we

gotta dig. We're not the ones in

charge.

INT. TOWN CENTER - DAY

The huge, spacious main chamber of the colony. Looming over

the scene is the royal palace, which seems to be

inaccessible, perched on top of a hill-like pedestal.

Around the base of the pedestal, a crew of workers loiters,

seemingly aimlessly...can these be the only unemployed ants

in the place?

GENERAL FORMICA:

STAIRS!

The workers look up and GROAN. Then they start forming a

stairway with their own bodies, linking arms, stepping on

each other's shoulders. It's extremely unpleasant work. One

ant is a little tardy, and just manages to get in place

before...

GENERAL FORMICA, the Pattonesque military leader of the

colony, STEPS ON HIS HEAD, using it as the first step as he

ascends to the palace, his aide-de-camp Carpenter in tow. As

Formica mounts the "stairs" we can hear the workers going,

"OUCH! OOF! YIKES!" etc.

GENERAL FORMICA:

Cut the chit-chat down there!

(turning to Carpenter)

We've spoiled these workers,

Carpenter. They've never had it so

good, and listen to them -- always

grumbling and complaining...

Formica steps on the foot of one of the "stairway" ants, who

muffles a yelp.

CARPENTER:

...Yes, sir.

GENERAL FORMICA:

What have they got to complain about?

Three square meals a day...

CARPENTER:

Actually, sir, we've cut them down to

three roughly rectangular meals a

week.

FORMICA:

Don't give me statistics, Carpenter.

I know what I'm talking about. DOORS!

Formica and Carpenter have reached the top of the staircase.

There, the two guard ants on either side of the massive

throne room doors pull them open -- and one door hinge

SQUEAKS.

FORMICA:

(to guard ant, while

passing)

Oil that, soldier.

INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

The QUEEN is on her throne, her huge abdomen sprawled behind

her.

QUEEN:

Ah! General Formica.

Formica salutes and marches to her, Carpenter behind him.

Note:
Throughout this scene, the Queen is giving birth

repeatedly. Each birth is accompanied by a herald playing a

short "Happy Birthday" fanfare on his trumpet. Mid-wife ants

bring each baby to the Queen for inspection, who COOS a few

words. The midwives put the babies on a moving bassinet-

line, powered by ants on a treadmill.

QUEEN:

General, the severe food shortage

that faces the colony...pains me.

The thought of any of my children

going hungry...

(she shudders; then,

to baby)

Who's the cutest widdle worker? You

are! Yes, you! Don't forget to

brush your teeth!

(to mid-wife)

Ship 'er out.

(back to Formica)

What steps are you taking to remedy

the situation?

FORMICA:

We are launching a major offensive to

expand our foraging territory...

QUEEN:

Yes, what else?

FORMICA:

Please don't worry, your majesty.

Leave the worrying to me. As you

know, I'm not an ant of half-

measures. I don't pussyfoot around.

This crisis is my number one

priority, and I promise you it's

being dealt with swiftly, and

decisively.

The Queen's attention is interrupted by another baby being

put in her arms.

QUEEN:

(to baby)

No snacking between meals! Off you

go!

(to Formica)

Now -- what were we saying?

FORMICA:

(Oliver North-style)

I do not recollect, your majesty.

Will that be all?

QUEEN:

Yes, General Formica. Carry on, my

good man! I don't know what we would

do without you.

Formica clicks his heels and bows his head. Carpenter bows

low. Formica smartly about faces --

BALA (O.S.)

General Formica!

PRINCESS BALA hurries through a second doorway, carrying a

swatch book. Something about her sets her apart from the

HANDMAIDEN ANTS with her. Her tiara, probably.

Formica tilts his head quizzically to Carpenter behind him.

CARPENTER:

(sotto)

Princess Bala, sir. Your fiancee.

FORMICA:

Princess! You look -- outstanding.

Is there anything I can do for you?

BALA:

Well -- I thought -- since we're

getting married...it might be nice if

we...got to know one another.

Formica looks confused.

QUEEN:

Bala has always been a hopeless

romantic, General.

BALA:

It's just that -- well, I'm honored

that you selected me, and everything,

I just thought the marriage might go

a little more smoothly if -- we had

a conversation?

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