Anything Else Page #11

What do you think about it?

l told them l'm leaving.

l gave notice and l won't starve.

l've saved some money.

The thing l'll miss most is the kids.

The kids are wonderful. Bright.

You should see the creative ways

they smuggle weapons

past the metal detectors. lt's amazing.

- Now you have to tell Amanda.

- l know.

And don't tergiversate.

Did l tergiversate with Harvey?

Huh? No.

l don't even know what the hell

''tergiversate'' means,

so how can l tergiversate?

Ahh, she'll die.

Amanda?

Amanda, l want to talk with you.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- l want to talk about something.

- l need to talk to you, too.

l think l should go first,

'cause it's pretty serious.

Me, too.

- Can we sit down?

- Yeah, l think we should sit.

- l'm moving to Los Angeles.

- l'm moving out.

What?

l want to be totally honest

with you, Jerry.

l've met someone and developed

very strong feelings for him.

- You met someone?

- Yes.

- Have you been having an affair?

- No, and l don't want to.

l can't do all that lying

and sneaking around.

- Well, where did you meet him?

- ln passing.

You must have spent time with him

to have feelings for him.

We've had a few drinks, nothing heavy.

Just a few chats.

So you have been seeing someone.

l've had a couple

of casual conversations.

You slept with him?

My God, Jerry.

What do you think l am?

- Have you?

- Once. And very quickly.

l had to see if we were

sexually compatible.

l refused to let myself have an affair.

That's why l'm being so honest.

l want to be straightforward.

l'm at a loss for words.

l, uh, l...

l don't know what to say.

l'm completely taken aback.

l'll be moving out.

Everything will be clean and honest.

Mom will stay here

till Phil and l get settled.

- Phil?

- lt'll only be a month,

until Phil's divorce comes through.

No. Your mother's not staying here.

l said l'm moving to California.

- l won't be here.

- That's so great.

Did you get a job out there?

Yes. Dobel and l, on a TV show.

That's wonderful.

You'll knock 'em dead out there.

ldiots who are total losers in New York

go to L.A. and become millionaires.

God, this is so much better this way.

lt was unfair, the way we were living,

you having to put up with my stupid

inability to function sexually

and me hating myself all the time.

This is sad, but it's for the best.

You know what would be

kind of romantic?

lf we were to make love,

just one last time.

- For old times' sake.

- l thought you couldn't.

Everything's different now.

The psychodynamic has changed.

Who knows?

Maybe we'll end up having an affair.

[Falk:
] l did it. l did it.

l cut all the ties.

l feel free and exhilarated

like l'm falling through space.

l feel confident

and l'm very positive,

but also like l'm buried alive.

l don't know.

l'm sure once we get to L.A.

and start working...

Speaking of which,

l just bought some luggage.

What's wrong?

You sound all weird.

Where? Now?

l don't think l know where that spot

in the park is. Where is it?

All right. l'll find it.

- You're late.

- Could you pick a more secluded spot?

- Did anyone follow you?

- No. No one followed me.

- Wait until l tell you what Amanda said.

- l have to explain something to you.

Due to circumstances,

l think l should really

get away to a less conspicuous venue.

Maybe like Alaska or something.

- What are you talking about?

- You have to go by yourself.

- l'm not going.

- What?

You have the job. lt's there

waiting for you. lt's all done.

No, no, no.

That's not the deal.

We go as a team, Dobel.

You're grown up.

You can handle it alone.

l don't understand.

What happened?

You don't want to know.

You can't cop out

and not give me an explanation.

l've changed my whole life around.

What happened?

Just some nonsense, Falk.

You know.

The other night,

l was out of state.

Don't ask me where.

The less you know, the better.

l was trying to sell my car

to a potential buyer as a preamble

to our trip to California.

And l was coming home,

speeding a little bit.

What's the fun of having a car like that

if you can't get a little velocity going?

And l was stopped

by two state troopers.

They were exceptionally nasty,

and one thing led to another.

They made some remarks

and got physical,

and l made some remarks,

and they got a little rough,

and the next thing l knew,

they made some crack about my religion,

which l found in poor taste.

Religion? You're an atheist.

Yes, l'm an atheist, but...

but l resented the fact,

however obliquely

that they implied Auschwitz

was basically a theme park.

Anyhow, a little bloodied,

l returned to my apartment

and got one of my many weapons,

and l returned to find them.

Don't you dare tell me you shot them.

l couldn't find both of them,

only one.

As fate turned out, l located

the more porcine of the two.

How serious?

ln a satirical mood,

l thought it would be amusing

if l shot him in the ass,

but it was dark and l was nervous,

and, you know,

time has diminished my accuracy.

[Falk sighs] Dobel.

Dobel.

My God.

l always knew l would use

the survival kit one day.

lt's just for a period of time

until everything blows over, l suppose.

God. Oh, Dobel.

Dobel.

[Falk.:
] l never knew

lf Dobel's story was true

orjust a plece of flctlon

he used to get me to go alone.

l never saw or heard from hlm agaln.

For all l know, he's lce flshlng

somewhere ln the Yukon.

l thought a lot about that strange,

sad, lmprobable character

and remembered very fondly

our afternoons ln Central Park.

[Dobel:
] ln life, they'll be no shortage

of people who'll tell you how to live.

They'll have all the answers...

what you should do and not do.

Don't argue with them.

Say, ''Yes, that's a brilliant idea,''

and do what you want.

Whenever you write,

strive for originality,

but if you have to steal,

steal from the best.

And if you take very good care

of your styptic pencil

and dry it after every shave,

it'll last longer than most

relationships you're in.

[Falk.:
] The semlnal joke about Dobel

ls the old one-llner.:

That even a clock that's broken

ls rlght twlce a day.

Dobel had a real sense of lrony

and would have appreclated

that l got one last,

to use hls word,

adventltlous gllmpse of Amanda

as l was leavlng for JFK.

The doctor.

l knew that doctor was hot for her.

[cab driver:
] What'd you say?

l was just saying how strange life is,

how full of inexplicable mystery.

[driver:
] Well, you know,

it's like anything else.

You'd be

So easy to love

So easy to ldollze

All others above

So worth the yearnlng for

So swell to keep

Every home flre burnlng for

We'd be

So grand at the game

So carefree together that lt

Does seem a shame

That you can't see

Your future wlth me

'Cause you'd be

Oh-so easy to love

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