Anything Else Page #5

does it serve for me

that time and space

are exactly the same thing?

l ask a guy what time it is,

he tells me six miles?

What the hell is that?

Falk, if a guy comes out onstage

at Carnegie Hall and throws up,

you can always find some people

who will call it art.

Years ago, a very wonderful comedy writer

wrote a very funny book

with a really deep and meaningful title.

lt was called

''Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver.''

You would be amazed how many people

do exactly that, and worse.

- [Dobel:
] Do you masturbate, Falk?

- What?

l mean, given the circumstances

of your sex life, l would think...

This is not... stop squirming.

l'm not. l don't know.

Now and then, l guess.

When is now and then?

On Easter and Purim?

l don't really enjoy it.

Are you doing it right?

Does your hand fall asleep?

l happen to think it's

a poor substitute for the real thing.

Really? l prefer it to the real thing.

Last night, l was home by myself

and l conjured up a threesome with me,

Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren.

lt was very erotic.

ln fact, if l'm not mistaken,

it was the first time

those two great actresses

ever appeared in anything together.

- lt sounds nice, but...

- The only reason l ask

is because l think

that as you go through life,

you learn to depend only on yourself.

You know?

Do you own a firearm?

A gun?

A gun qualifies as a firearm, yes.

- No. Why would l?

- For self-defense.

Against who?

Against those who conspire to harm you.

Harm me?

Don't ask what you did to deserve it.

l mean, God, read Auden.

You know, come with me to New Jersey.

Falk, l took the liberty a few weeks ago

of ordering you a little present.

What?

They're having a sale here

on surplus Russian army rifles.

What?

Suppose you're home one night

in bed, masturbating,

and some guys break in.

You need protection.

l'd dial 91 1 .

l don't need a rifle.

Have you ever dialed 91 1?

lt's like trying to get a mortgage.

Come on.

l don't need a rifle. l'll probably

wind up blowing my foot off.

What is wrong with you?

Are you such a maladroit

you can't keep a firearm without

discharging it adventitiously?

- l don't need a weapon.

- Everybody needs a weapon.

What does that mean?

lt means the day will come

when you wish you had one.

Why exactly?

Why?

So they don't put you in a boxcar.

l want to get you some of this stuff, too.

- What for?

- So you can build a survival kit.

l have a perfect survival kit.

l've been working on it for years.

Last week l got some great fishhooks,

and a waterproof matchbox that floats.

What are you preparing for,

the end of civilization?

l have to know if l'm alone in the wilds,

l can survive by myself.

Dobel, you're a madman.

That's what they said in Germany.

There were actually groups

in Germany called ''Jews for Hitler.''

They were deluded.

They thought he'd be good for the country.

Never trust a naked bus driver.

By the time l got out of bed

and loaded it,

- the damage would be done.

- That's why you keep it loaded.

l should keep a loaded gun in the house?

Why would you keep

an unloaded weapon in the house?

Do you keep a loaded gun in the house?

l have a loaded weapon

in my house within reach.

Within reach, Falk.

ln every room.

Just how crazy are you?

ls there more?

Do you hear voices on the radio

or worship snakes?

You are a member of one of the most

persecuted minorities in history.

The rifle's on me.

Let me handle this.

This makes me nervous.

l've never owned a weapon.

You have to learn to take it apart

and put it together blindfolded.

You may have to do it in the dark.

You expecting Nazis and a blackout?

lncidentally, while you were rummaging

around the store in an aimless stupor,

l got you a couple of items.

l got you a flashlight that floats

if you drop it in the ocean

for any reason.

When the hell am l near the ocean?

l want you to build a survival kit.

l got you a compass, a...

l live in Manhattan.

Why would l need a compass?

This flare gun.

l got you some snakebite stuff,

fishhooks, water-purifying tablets.

This all sounds a little excessive to me.

And don't pull the trigger.

Squeeze it. Squeeze the trigger.

That's right.

Just take aim and squeeze...

[gun clicking]

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

lt's empty.

Dobel was showing me how to use a rifle.

We were practicing.

- Why?

- Why? Well, it's for protection.

- From who?

- What do you mean, from who?

- Dobel, tell her.

- l'm Dobel.

Hi.

Who do you need protection from?

Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.

lt was my idea that,

given the tensions in the world,

perhaps it would be prudent

for young Falk to own

a means of self-defense.

Have you had a mental breakdown?

You and a rifle?

- l know it seems weird.

- What's this stuff?

This is all very important.

These are water-purifying tablets

and that's a flashlight that floats.

Let's say you drop it in the ocean.

lt floats.

Are you joining the Boy Scouts?

- lt's all very necessary.

- Are these bullets?

They're called rounds. Right?

Jump in here at any point.

Falk, l don't mean to incite

domestic strife here.

Amanda, it's all very safe.

See what happens...

what l do is take a pliers

and l remove the lead part

from the shell. You see?

Then l have the empty...

empty shell. Okay?

And what l do is l put this now

in the breech

in the rifle, okay?

So then if a shot's taken,

it won't really fire.

Not until the second round

goes into the breech.

The chamber.

The chamber, Falk.

lnto the chamber.

l am not living in the house

with a loaded rifle.

You don't trust me to keep a firearm

without hurting anyone?

- Am l an imbecile?

- ls that a trick question?

Dobel, would you say something?

lt's his feeling that as the economy slumps,

crime rises, okay?

And rape... rape has risen.

Statistically speaking, rape has gone up.

And he's not convinced that

the slaughter of six million Jews

is enough to satisfy the anti-Semitic

impulses of the majority of the world.

- You said this.

- He's paraphrasing.

l put it more succinctly when l...

[door closing]

Oh.

Don't worry, Mother.

lt's not loaded.

- [Paula:
] What's happening?

- l bought a rifle.

A rifle?. l'm not living

in a house with a rifle.

- Don't worry, Mom. lt's leaving.

- No, it's not. lt's not leaving.

Perhaps we should rethink

the concept of self-defense.

Mrs. Chase, is it unreasonable

to own a fire extinguisher,

though you'll probably never use it?

Stop calling me Mrs. Chase.

My name is Paula.

l'm not your goddamn schoolteacher.

Falk, urgent business in Tierra Del Fuego

requires my presence,

so l'll be leaving.

Sir, would you mind

helping me shift this piano?

- Me?

- Mother, he's a guest.

Would you take these when you go?

[phone ringing]

l don't care who he is.

This room isn't right.

That's because it's too crowded.

[phone ringing]

Meaning what?

You want me on a park bench?

Don't be so dramatic.

All l want out is this stupid rifle.

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