Anything Else Page #4

What comes to mind

about the Cleveland lndians?

See? This is what l get.

l need a course of action,

and he wants me to free-associate

about the Cleveland lndians.

[Amanda:
] l love doing it in hotels.

lt's so illicit.

Check yourself for shoulder-length hairs

in hard-to-justify locations.

l have to decide how to

let Brooke down gracefully.

There's no rush.

l've been the other woman before.

Bob wasn't upset when you told him?

He was disappointed.

But l was honest about myself going in.

Naturally, l didn't tell him

it was you l was in love with.

Brooke...

Don't give me that.

l don't believe you.

Those are bite marks on your back.

You didn't fall on your comb.

What are you thinking about?

Everything.

When we first met,

when Brooke found out.

Remember that? Or when we checked

into that hotel as S. and Z. Fitzgerald.

Or how we made love everywhere.

God, everywhere.

When l think of all the risky places

that lust overcame the two of us,

it blows my mind.

You know Fireside Memorial Chapel

is a McDonald's now?

Fascinating.

Don't.

- Why not?

- l can't.

What do you mean?

lt's not natural.

We never sleep with each other.

l told you l'm going

through a rough patch.

l'll say.

lt's been six months.

l said you could sleep

with other women.

l don't love other women.

l don't want to sleep

with other women. l love you.

What did l do to turn you off?

l don't get it.

Nothing. You did nothing.

lt's always about you.

- You have such an ego.

- An ego?

What do you want me to do?

Grit my teeth, close my eyes,

hold myself stiff

and let you do it to me?

lt's getting to the point

where l may settle for that.

Sometimes l think it's because

you remind me of my father.

You once told me you thought your father

was sexually attractive.

That's not the part of him

you remind me of.

lt's not?

What is it, then?

You know, his professional manner.

Sweet and supportive.

Gee, l'm sorry l have so many

turn-off qualities. l didn't realize.

Sleep with other women.

Just don't tell me about it.

- Do you love me?

- What a question.

Just because l pull away

when you touch me?

[Dobel:
] ''Just because l pull away

when you touch me?''

- Falk, give me a break.

- She said it was temporary.

Meanwhile, you haven't consummated

your passion for her in six months.

lt's unbelievable. l have a theory

that too much rejection causes cancer.

She encourages me

to sleep with other women.

Well, do it. For God's sakes.

There must be a million women who'd

be excited to get into bed with you.

Maybe not a million,

but l'm sure you could find one,

if you got her drunk enough.

lt doesn't matter.

l have no interest in other women.

- See, even my first wife was...

- Wife? You were married?

A bitter story.

l was very young.

l should have known something

was wrong on the wedding night

when her family danced around my table

chanting, ''We will make him one of us.''

Oh, boy. l had a rough day.

l got up, put on a shirt

and the button came off.

Then l went to the car to open the door,

and the handle came off.

Now l'm afraid

to go to the bathroom.

What did you do?

l wanted to grab the check.

- No, you didn't.

- What do you mean? l did.

l was grabbing the check.

Never trust a guy

who fumbles for the check.

He who wants to get the check,

gets it.

As you go through life, when you

really want to get the check, you will.

- Well, l was planning on getting it.

- Let me ask you...

Did you hear what that guy said?

Three people were coming in

as we were leaving.

The swarthy guy?

Yeah. Dark.

There were two guys and a girl.

- l didn't hear him.

- He looked at us,

and said to the other guy:

''Jews start all wars.''

- Did you hear that?

- No.

Yes, absolutely. He presumably

said it to her or the guy with them,

but it was really for our benefit.

''Jews start all wars.''

l don't think it was for my benefit

because l didn't hear anything.

l know who you're talking about.

l saw this trio,

but l didn't hear anything

and l have pretty good hearing.

Because you were obsessed with

the physically prepossessing waitresses

running around.

Let me tell you, Falk.

We live in perilous times.

You got to keep alert for these things.

You don't want your life to wind up

as black-and-white newsreel footage

scored by a cello in a minor key.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- How are you?

- Good. How was the comedian?

lt's exactly like Dobel says.

There is truly a paucity

of veridical talent in the world.

When will l meet this polymath?

He is unbelievable.

He's read everything.

He plays music.

He paints, or so he claims.

l've read some of his poems...

all morbid.

Cancer and shock treatments

and gas chambers.

And his vocabulary is astounding.

You can't get the guy on a word.

lt's rare you're so taken with somebody.

Hey, Mrs. Chase.

l told you not to call me Mrs. Chase.

My name is Paula.

Mrs. Chase makes me sound ancient.

My life isn't over yet.

- ln fact, l'm just starting to live it.

- Definitely, Paula.

And l need some help from you.

Mom, could you talk about this tomorrow?

lt's late.

What, are we six years old?

lt's past our bedtime?

lt's okay. lt's only 1 :30.

l decided to put some songs together

and do a nightclub act.

Mother, the scene has really changed

in the past 25 years.

- Why are you so discouraging?

- l'm not. l'm realistic.

l don't want you to get hurt.

How? l could always sing.

Of course you can sing.

l'm not saying that.

But things change.

Styles, the cabaret business...

Can't you be more supportive?

You're so competitive.

l am not.

l hate my voice.

[Falk:
] Please.

You both have very good voices.

l thought l'd put a few songs together

and you could write

between-the-songs talk for me.

- l've never done that sort of thing.

- Just some banter. Notjokes.

l couldn't tell a joke if my life

depended on it. Just some chit-chat.

The truth is,

l'm kind of snowed under right now...

Oh, God.

ls nobody on my side?

Jerry, you could do it.

This stuff comes so easily to you.

- You just said this is a fool's errand.

- What did you call me?

lt's an expression.

l know. l tried to dissuade her,

but she won't listen to me.

l'm trying to finish my book.

These comics are pressing me.

- l've taken deposits from them.

- Oh, forget l even asked.

Okay. l never said l wouldn't do it.

l just have to fit it in.

lt won't be arduous.

l have lots of ideas.

l'm even having a piano delivered.

- [Falk:
] Here?

- lt's a rental.

- l had to rehearse.

- There's no room for a piano.

Because you don't maximize your space.

l was an interior decorator.

Tell him, Amanda.

l know this is a real pain,

but it's temporary.

You mean like our lovemaking?

Could you not be gross?

[Falk:
] As the days passed,

Dobel and l got closer and closer.

After he finished school,

we'd meet in Central Park.

He'd usually expound on something.

[Dobel:
] You think quantum physics

has the answer?

l mean, what purpose

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