Applesauce

---

Did she find the dog?

Yeah, I saw her find the dog.

She must have

freaked out, right.

- She started running

around screaming and yelling,

freaking out.

And laid down and started

giving the dog mouth to mouth.

Disgusting.

Who would do such

a thing like that?

You must have

really hated that dog.

- No, the dog was great.

I loved that dog.

You loved the dog?

Then why did you poison it?

- Cruelty to animals is one of

the lowest things you can do.

You're a scumbag.

You asked me for the story,

I'm telling you the story.

Well I'm sorry I asked.

I hope someone poisons you, Ted.

I really do.

I think about the human race.

I think about the

end of the world.

I wonder about it.

Are we worth saving?

What kind of person poisons

his ex-girlfriend's dog

to get revenge?

How can you forgive someone

for something like that?

Can you forgive them?

I don't know.

It's hard to have faith

in the human race

when there are people

like Ted walking the earth.

You're listening to

Stevie bricks show

and this is Stevie bricks

and I thank you if you're

tuning in tonight.

It's tell-all Tuesday

and I want to know the worst

thing you've ever done.

Maybe you're a

high school teacher

and you've had sex

with a student.

Maybe you're an ex-Nazi

and you worked in a

concentration camp.

Or maybe you worked at

the world bank or tmz.

Whatever it is, this is a chance

for you to tell your story.

Ron from New York,

you're on the air.

What's the worst thing

you've ever done?

- I can't believe I'm

talking to Stevie bricks.

- Man, I love your show.

- Thanks.

- I listen to you

all the time, man.

- All the time.

- Ron, you flatter me.

- What's the worst thing

you've ever done?

- Well, I've never

told anyone this story.

Okay, well let's hear it.

- It was a long time ago.

It was in college, actually.

- Mm-hmm.

What happened?

Did you take advantage

of someone?

No, like a girl?

I would never do

anything like that.

Well, what did you do, Ron?

Hmm?

- I'm sorry, man.

I'm just nervous.

I've been carrying this story

with me for a long time.

Tonight's the night i

finally share it with the world.

Here it goes,

the worst thing I've ever done.

- I cut off a man's...

- Ron, we got to go. We're late.

- Who are you talking to?

- It doesn't matter.

- Honey, we got to go. We're already late.

- It's okay.

Ron, you there?

- Yeah, we are just

dealing with something.

I'm dealing with my wife

actually, so it's fine.

- Who is it? Who are you talking to?

- It doesn't matter.

- I just don't want

to lose the table

because we all have to

sit at the same time.

- Okay, it looks like Ron is

in the middle of some sort of

domestic dispute.

- We can't sit down

until all of us are there.

- Ron, this is live radio.

I don't have a second.

- No, no it's fine.

It's all taken care of,

because I'm going to tell

you the story right now.

I'll give you 30 seconds.

- Uh-huh.

Some other time, Ron.

- Hello?

- 29, 28

- hello?

- 27, 26...

He hung up.

Who were you talking to?

Stevie bricks.

Stevie bricks, the radio guy?

- Ron, he's totally obnoxious.

Come on, let's go.

- How are you

already ready to go?

You take forever to get ready.

- Are you really

wearing that shirt?

What's wrong with this shirt?

- You look like a

Mexican Ken doll.

- I'm not a 12-year-old, okay.

I can listen to whatever I want.

Besides, I don't give you a

hard time about watching that

prison show you love so much.

- Yeah,

but why would you call in?

- Can you slow down

a little bit?

- Ron, no.

We're running late.

- You're power walking

it feels like

- and my feet are hurting.

- I'm not power walking.

- Seriously,

just slow down a little bit.

- You know what,

you really need to get in shape.

A lot of fat around

the mid-section

is a sign of heart disease.

I'm fine, okay.

- You know what my mom wants

to get you for Christmas?

- What?

- A defibrillator.

- Get Pesto,

you can get anything you want.

We can share something.

Okay, all right.

Isn't my wife the most beautiful

thing you've ever seen?

- She really is.

- Really.

- You like to make me blush.

- Gorgeous.

- Nicki, you look

beautiful as well.

Oh, thank you.

- Ron, doesn't Nicki

look beautiful tonight?

I don't need confirmation

that she's looks beautiful.

I know she's beautiful.

You look beautiful too.

Everybody here

looks really great.

Now can you guys just stop

doing what you're doing

because I don't even want

to eat dinner because...

- Ron's not one to

give complements much.

Actually he doesn't

really say I love you.

- Well, sometimes.

- What's the matter with you?

- I just don't feel like you

have to say it all the time.

You know, before you go to bed,

before you go to work,

before you go to the bathroom.

There's something about it

that reeks of desperation.

Constantly, "i love you,

i love you,

- I'm not questioning your love for each other.

- I love you.

- I'm just saying there's

something about it

that's slightly

pathetically sad.

And desperate.

- You should try it.

You should try it, Ron.

- It feels good.

- Yeah, it just feels good.

I don't have to tell her

she's beautiful

to confirm that I love her.

- It's just a reminder that you

can give love and receive love

and it just feels so good

inside when you say it.

- We give and receive love

once a month, at least.

It's nice to hear sometimes.

I'm just letting you know that.

I'm fine,

it's nice to hear sometimes.

Listen to your woman.

- How are we doing

over here, guys?

- Good, good.

- Great!

- Are you ready to order?

- Yeah!

- You got any questions

about the menu?

- Um.

- Um.

- I know what I want,

spaghetti and meatballs.

- I think it was based

on her biography.

- Yeah, she went to prison

for like a year and a half

for embezzlement or something.

- I wonder if she regrets it.

- I can't imagine she would.

She got a biography

and a hit TV show out of it.

It's the best thing

that ever happened to her.

- I don't know if I'd trade

18 months of my life

for a career in

film and television.

- Well, she probably saw

it as an opportunity

to capitalize off of a

unique life experience.

- I can't believe we're

sitting around talking about

a television show

about women in prison.

We're all adults, we should

be talking about something

sophisticated, like literature,

or books or something like that.

- This is a worthy conversation. It's culture.

- Yeah.

But I'm just sick of hearing

that we're in the golden

age of television, okay.

It's still just a

big distraction.

It doesn't compare to reading.

- This coming from the

man who listens to

the Stevie bricks show.

- Who listens to Stevie bricks?

- What?

This f***ing guy does.

No.

He's the worst.

You listen to Stevie bricks?

- Hey, look at it this way.

If it wasn't for sexist people,

feminism wouldn't have a cause.

- Actually, tonight he was

calling into the show.

That's why we were late.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes