Applesauce Page #2

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- It's the first time

i called in.

- You're as low-brow

as they get.

- Stevie bricks

is not low-brow, okay.

He's an anthropologist.

- He has people call in

to break wind on air.

Did you call in to do that?

- I would never air

my air on air.

- Why did you call?

- He doesn't do that anymore, by the way.

- So, why did you call in?

- Yeah, why did you call in?

- All right, once a week

he has this segment

called tell-all Tuesday,

where callers call in

and they tell a story.

They tell the worst thing

they've ever done.

To talk about the worst

thing I've ever done.

- Yeah, what's the worst thing you've ever done?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- You were going to tell all of New York.

- Yeah.

The moment is gone though.

- No, no, no,

the moment's not gone.

The moment is now.

- Tell us.

Do you know this story?

I mean, he's done some

really shitty things,

so I would love to know

what the worst thing is.

Tell us.

I cut a guy's fingers off.

- What?

- Bullshit.

- No, it's true. I did.

- Bullshit.

- I was at a frat party

in college,

partying and drinking.

So, I was waiting in line

to go to the bathroom.

There's a girl standing there,

she's cute

and I start talking to her.

I start flirting.

Because I've had a few drinks

and got a lot of bravado.

I'm very charming, you know,

when I'm drunk.

So we're talking,

having a good time,

we're laughing.

This is all in the span

of a few minutes.

Then, out of the blue, this big

dude comes out of the bathroom

and he sees me

talking to this girl.

Obviously it's his girlfriend.

And he says, "what the f*** are

you doing talking to my girl?"

- It's his girlfriend?

- Apparently, it's his girlfriend.

What were you saying to her?

Nothing, I don't remember.

- People get jealous,

you know... College guys.

- I'm just flirting with her

like people do at parties.

It was a long time ago.

I was drunk and stoned.

I wasn't saying anything

crude or untoward.

He's throttling you

and then what?

- He's smacking you

around like a little b*tch.

- No, he's not slapping me

around like a little b*tch,

but he's pushing me

up against the wall

and he's screaming at me.

- He's actually assaulting me.

- Right.

- So, I don't take sh*t

like that from anybody.

I may be a small guy,

but if people f*** with me,

I'll f*** sh*t up

if I get provoked.

- Okay, just tell us the story.

- Anyway, Rambo.

So I just react

and I just shove the guy

as hard as I can

I wrestled in high school.

I'm a strong motherf***er.

I can get people

off balance, right.

So the guy's on the floor,

and he's writhing around

and he stands up and

he's really pissed off now,

- because I've humiliated him in front of all these people.

- Good, good.

- He deserved it, right?

- Yeah, he deserved it.

- I hate punks like that.

- I do too,

- but, at the same time, he stands

up and he's really pissed off now.

So I'm a little scared,

not because I'm a p*ssy,

but this is seriously

some f***ed up sh*t.

So, he starts coming after me

and he charges me

with his hands out like this

and my fight or flight

response takes hold.

So I just slam the

bathroom door and I run.

I just run like hell.

But the thing is, this

bathroom door is really heavy.

It's like one of these big

industrial bathroom doors,

so when it slams,

and I slam it shut,

it slams really hard.

It's like "wham!"

You know, really, really hard.

And I start running but then

i hear all this screaming

and yelling, like,

"oh my god!"

It's complete pandemonium.

And I look up and this frat

guy is back on me again

and he's like,

"look what you did to me!

Look what you did to me,

mother f***er!"

- And there's blood everywhere.

- Oh my god.

Again, I'm a little stone

and inebriated.

But I'll never forget this.

There's blood all over

my sweater,

blood all over the walls.

He says,

"look what you did to me!"

And I look up

and two of his fingers

are missing.

They're cut off and there's

blood just gushing everywhere.

Again, this is a frenzy.

It's out of control.

- It's complete bedlam.

- I can't believe you didn't tell me this.

- The door cut his f***ing fingers off.

- Really?

- Is it a heavy, heavy door?

It could have done that?

- It wasn't like they were

dangling or mangled.

- They were clean cut.

- Off? Off?

- Off.

- And then what happened?

So everybody's freaking out.

The guy's freaking out.

And I just run, I run like hell.

I run out of the frat house.

I run across campus.

And I pretty much hide in the

dorm room until the next day.

Did you get into trouble?

- They didn't have

cell phones back then

so no one took a photo.

- No one saw you.

No one fingered you?

- People saw me, but they

didn't know who we were.

We used to go to these frat

parties, my friend and I.

We would bounce

around frat court.

We would go from one

frat party to next frat party,

- drinking their beer, f***ing their women.

- Right, sure.

- That's the way you do, or the way one does.

- You guys...

- Anyway, that's the

worst thing I ever did.

- Did you ever wonder

whatever happened to that guy?

- I wouldn't know that guy

if I saw him today.

- You don't think that's

hanging over your head.

The guy's somewhere

standing nearby.

- It could be this guy right here

and I wouldn't even know. You know?

How are you guys doing?

- Good.

- Good, a little nauseated.

Anybody want dessert?

- Yes, I'll have the tiramisu.

- No!

- Oh, this is so good.

- Why didn't you guys just get your own?

- I just wanted a bite.

- We could have gotten extra.

- Take your time, whenever you guys are ready.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

- No, no we got this.

- Yeah.

- This is our turn.

- Are you sure?

You guys paid last time.

- Did we?

- Yeah.

- Yeah,

it's definitely our turn.

- I mean, this place is more

expensive than the last place,

but that's fine.

Goodnight, babe.

Oh sweetheart,

I'm really stuffed.

That food was so rich.

- You want to fool

around a little bit?

I'm really tired, honey.

I had a f***ing long day.

Fine.

- Hey.

- Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

Les?

Huh?

- What's the worst thing

you've ever done?

- I need to tell you something.

- Huh, what?

I love you.

- Huh?

- I love you.

- Hey look at me for a second.

- What?

- I love you.

- I know.

- No, I mean, I really,

really love you.

You're the most beautiful

women I've ever seen in my life.

If I believed in god,

i would thank him or her,

everyday, that he made you

just stupid enough to marry me.

Thanks.

- Thank you for

making her so stupid.

I don't know what i

would do without you.

You're very sweet.

We should make a baby.

No.

What the f***.

- That's the most disgusting

thing I've ever heard

in my entire life.

- You asked me

and I told you.

Why the f*** did you ask me

if you didn't want to hear it.

You peed on a puppy?

An innocent puppy?

It was in f***ing high school.

It was ages ago.

You're with your punk ass

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