Applesauce Page #3

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high school friends

and you're walking in the woods

and you see a stray puppy,

so you pull out your c*cks

and you piss all over it?

- That's what you did?

- I'm not proud of it.

I'm going to be sick.

Why are you getting so upset?

You're acting like we

ripped it open and ate it.

- I just wish you never

would have told me.

I can't handle things like this.

You know I obsess over things.

Fine, can we start over now?

The worst thing I ever did?

I stole a pair of

running shoes, okay.

- What was it doing when you

were pissing all over it?

It would run one way,

i would spray it with pee.

- I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to be so sick.

- You know, when we first met

and we were experimenting,

we use to give each

other golden showers,

remember that?

That was consensual.

- Okay, the next time

i pee on a puppy,

I'll get his consent,

all right.

When I was in college,

I used to be an

animal rights activist.

I use to throw buckets of paint

on people who wore fur coats.

- That's a fantastic way

to solve a problem,

just throw a

bucket of paint on it.

Who thought of that?

It's genius.

- Its better than

a bucket of piss.

Fine, shut the light.

You need to make amends.

- I'll make a donation

to the humane society.

That could work.

- Like, five thousand dollars.

- Fine.

- That's five thousand less

than we'll have to spend

on sh*t we like.

- Like, five hundred dollars.

- Done.

Shut the light.

What's the worst thing

you've ever done?

Does anybody recognize

what I'm drawing?

Twin towers?

- Twin towers.

That's exactly right.

And we all know what

happened to the twin towers.

September 11th 2001,

they were reduced to a big

heap of smoldering rubble, okay.

We went to war with Afghanistan

and we went to war with Iraq

and now Iraq is completely

discombobulated and in pieces.

So, what I want to know is,

instead of going to war,

what are some alternatives

to going to war?

What are some things we could

have done besides going to war?

So, Cameron, let's say

that I walk up to you.

You're in the hallway

and I just punch you.

I just punch you.

I punch you in the shoulder.

Okay, what are you going to do?

- I'm probably going

to punch you back!

- Well, yeah.

That's right, you know.

And I would understand that,

and that's exactly the way

we acted after 9/11.

We were all very angry,

we wanted revenge.

We were also very scared,

so we reacted with force, okay.

But there wasn't a

lot of compassion.

There was compassion for

the people we lost on 9/11.

There was compassion

for the families,

but there wasn't so

much compassion

for the people we bombed.

Rain, can you put your

cell phone away, please?

So what are some alternatives?

What are some things

we could do besides

punch back, basically.

You could talk.

- That's good, Kimberly.

We could talk.

Someone punches you,

you could ask a question,

for example.

Ask me why I punched you,

Cameron.

I just punched you in the face.

Ask me a question.

Rain.

Come on, man.

Put the cell phone away,

seriously.

You're cramping my

whole style here, okay.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

- Give it to me.

- No.

- What are you doing?

Why are you doing this?

This is so stupid.

Why is this stupid?

- Do you realize

what you're saying?

You're saying that the

terrorists were justified

in what they did.

- No, I'm not saying that.

- Yeah, you are.

- I'm trying to get you all

to learn empathy,

which is something

this me generation of me,

- me, me, doesn't have.

- Empathy?

Why should I be

listening to you?

It's adults that start the wars?

- I had to push a lot strings to

get this through the curriculum.

But, I'm glad you guys

are appreciating it.

You guys have a good day,

take care.

Jesus Christ.

Les?

What are you doing, man?

- I should f*** you up

right now.

- Kate told me about your little

finger bang party last year.

I didn't think you

were the kind of guy

to f*** around with

another man's wife.

Is everything okay?

Yeah Zane, it's cool.

- Yeah. It's fine.

He's fine, thanks. It's cool.

You can go back

to your friends.

- This is where I work, man.

Don't do this sh*t, okay.

We were f***ing wasted.

It didn't mean anything.

- Oh, is that an excuse?

Does that make it okay?

You were wasted?

- What's wrong with you?

- I'm contemplating kicking your ass,

but I don't want

to get in trouble.

You hit somebody in the

temple hard enough

you can kill them instantly.

I don't need a manslaughter

conviction.

- Nobody needs a manslaughter

conviction.

Why did she tell you?

- I have no idea

why she told me.

I would rather I didn't know.

It was innocent.

You know where I come from

stinky pinky isn't innocent.

It's second base.

Stinky pinky?

Did you f*** her?

- No, man.

We made out in a bathroom.

It was like two years ago.

I barely remember it, man.

I was plastered.

You're not going to

tell Nicki, are you?

No, but you should.

I'm not going to.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

You always seemed

like a coward to me.

- I'm not a coward, man.

I use to live in bedstuy.

- You don't see Kate anymore,

you understand.

You don't talk to her,

you don't even dream about her.

- I can't control

what I dream about.

I had a dream last night i

was 69-ing Donald rumsfeld.

- Listen to me.

I know gangsters, right.

Real ones.

Sicilians and sh*t.

You may have cut a guy's

fingers off by accident

but I know people who do that

for a living, okay?

You just watch your back,

motherf***er.

I wash my back every night.

Watch!

Watch, motherf***er!

F***.

- Now, my first marriage

was a disaster.

My second marriage

was not much better.

My third was okay...

...but far from perfect.

I'm not a Saint, I'll admit it,

but we all have needs.

- Hey.

- Hey.

... food and shelter...

- You're listening to Stevie bricks.

- Yeah.

- I'm just trying to figure out

what you see in this guy.

What are they talking about?

Adultery.

Did you talk to les?

Huh? No.

- Turn this off.

This guy's an idiot.

Oh, now he's an idiot?

I thought you

worshipped the guy.

- You hungry?

- I guess.

Let's get some Chinese food.

Okay.

Les.

Yes.

Are you going to talk to me?

I'm eating.

So?

- I don't like talking

with my mouth full.

- Well, talk to me when

your mouth is empty.

- I don't feel like

talking tonight.

Les, I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

It was just a finger, right?

Just one finger.

What's the big deal?

- Felix, how are you?

- Hey, hood to see you.

- Good to see you too.

How are things?

- Good, everything's fine.

- How's your family?

- Family's good, too.

- Good?

- There you go, keep the change.

- Thank you.

- Keep the change.

- Oh, thank you.

- Business is better than ever.

- Better than ever?

- In this economy,

the way this economy is,

- nothing's... You know, that's great.

- Yeah, nothing is affecting us.

- That's what happens when

you sell a good product

- at a good price.

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