Are We There Yet?

Mom says we have to be polite

to her dates...

...and we will

if he makes it to the door.

- Merry Christmas, sucker.

- And don't come back for Kwanzaa.

Think you're going out

with our mama?

I'm gonna get you two.

Get me out of here!

Lindsey, you really think Dad's

coming back?

Any day now. But until then,

we have to keep Mom available.

Problem is, she's just too pretty.

That just makes our job

a whole lot tougher.

Sometimes I feel sorry for her.

Well, I feel sorry for the next sucker

who tries to put the moves on her.

- Mr. Persons.

- My man.

What you got for me?

- I'll get the door for you.

- Got that new-car smell, you know?

This puppy's missing one thing.

Welcome to the big leagues, Satch.

Let's make it happen.

Look at this ride. Parchment leather

with the satin nickel trim.

Look out, ladies,

here we come. Holla.

Nick Persons. How's it going, man?

How's it look?

Keep driving, fool. That's the one

that sicced her dog on you.

What? You want some of this, huh?

You want a piece of me?

Oh, my goodness.

Six thousand pounds of respect.

- Yeah. It's nice, huh?

- Yeah.

- Take it for a spin?

- Yeah.

I don't think so.

- Man, what did that unit set you back?

- I got a good deal on it.

Right. Your payments probably

cost more than my car.

Marty, my shoes cost more

than your car.

Look, Nick, here come your

favorite customers.

- Hey, mister, you got any Yu-Gi-Oh?

- What you think?

You got any Dragon Ball GT?

Look, you come in here every day

asking the same questions.

We ain't got no Pokmon, no Digimon,

no Buffy, no SpongeBob...

...no Beanie Babies

and no shoplifters.

Now, get! Both of y'all, get!

You better get.

You better get out of here.

- You got a way with kids.

- They're like cockroaches...

...except you can't squish them.

- You gonna clean that?

- I don't do windows.

What? Itll dry.

People wanna know

why I hate kids.

What's the matter with you?

- I think I'm in love.

- Love? No...

What do you mean, love?

Oh, yeah, that's the new girl from

the party-planning place. Yikes.

- She's so fine.

- Yeah.

- Man, I got to get with that.

- Whoa, whoa.

She's a divorce, man.

That's way too much baggage

for a guy like you.

Don't be so quick

to judge people, man.

This isn't the Nick the Quick

that I know.

- Hey, I had broccoli yesterday.

- So?

Sometimes you got to try

something new, my friend.

Look and learn.

- Mom! Mom!

- Mom! Mom!

- How was school?

- I got 100 on my test.

- Big deal.

- Okay, all right.

Who wants to go shoe shopping?

Let's go.

- What happened?

- Oh, man, she's a breeder.

Two of them.

Hey, wait!

- Oh, no.

- Help!

Do you have any jumper cables?

No. No!

Hey, Nick, don't do this.

She's got two kids

and a broken-down car.

What's next? You gonna

ask her mama to move in with us?

Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

I've been standing out here forever.

You know what?

This might not be a good idea,

because we got rain, electricity.

Oh, but I sure do appreciate it.

Okay.

You know, you look so familiar.

Have we met before?

Well, I'm Nick. I work right across

the street from you.

Oh, that's right. You're the guy

that owns that cute little toy store.

Fine sports collectibles.

Fine sports collectibles.

I'll hook this up for you.

I think my car hates me.

Oh, but, Nick, this is a nice ride.

- Oh, you like this, huh?

- Yeah.

You know, look.

It even heats the undercarriage.

I like it.

"I like it. "

Remember the score:

One player, two kids and...

Holy moly!

Oh, that is so cool.

That's a Satchel Paige bobblehead.

That's when he played

for the Monarchs.

What? A woman that knows a little

something about Satchel?

He was my daddy's idol.

He pitched for five decades...

...including three shutout innings

for the Royals at the age of 59.

Well, you know, my man Satch

used to have a saying:

"Age is a question of

mind over matter.

If you don't mind, it don't matter. "

You know that?

This is Suzanne.

Hubba-hubba. Now, that's a woman.

Plenty of smarts, easy on the eyes,

and can quote my stats.

I don't care if she got 100 kids.

I like her.

All we gotta do

is lose the small fries.

Now, I'm not saying

drop them in the shark tank. No.

But there's nothing kids like more

than military school.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Excuse me?

I don't mind.

- Lf you need a lift, I'll give you a ride.

- Oh, okay.

Smooth, Nick. Here's how I think

that we gonna make our move.

Pretend like you gonna help her

with her seat belt...

...then with your free hand, put your

arm around her shoulder and... Hey!

Let me out! How am I gonna

wave you home if I can't see the play?

I'm a hall-of-famer.

How about showing some respect?

And that's my story.

What about you, Nick?

Are you local?

- Black man from Oregon?

- Right.

No. I'm from St. Louis.

I actually moved out here to play

Triple-A ball with the Beavers...

...but ended up hurting my shoulder,

and it kind of ended my career.

Oh, you threw

your arm out pitching.

Well, not exactly.

I tore my rotator cuff lifting my

big-screen TV out of a U-Haul.

- That's really sad.

- I know.

Good thing there's athlete's insurance,

in case you do something stupid.

So, you know, I was wondering...

...if maybe you'd consider...

If you wasn't busy...

- What is going on out here?

- Mom, where have you been?

Miss Mable burned our dinner,

fell asleep and just keeps farting.

Kevin and Lindsey,

this is Mr. Persons.

He was nice enough

to give me a ride home.

What's he want, a reward?

You know what?

I really better get out of here.

Smart.

Hey, Nick?

I don't mean to be a pest...

...but I was just wondering if you could

give me a ride to work tomorrow.

- Of course.

- Oh, great. Thank you.

- See you tomorrow.

- Bye.

Mom, do you know what time it is?

Excuse me, I'm the mother.

Get in the house.

- Get in the house.

- It's raining.

- Get in the house.

- Who is this stud, Nick?

You're supposed to be in bed.

Nick, thank you so much for

helping me these past couple days.

- You are so sweet.

- Yeah, I know.

Hey, does this seem ripe to you?

I don't know. I don't eat food unless

it has an expiration date on it.

Nick, you are funny. You eat worse

than my 7-year-old son.

You kind of dress like him too.

What's wrong with that?

And do you know I have never

seen you without a hat?

- You don't need to see me without it.

- Let me see.

- What's under there?

- What?

- Come on, Nick.

- Watch out. Get back. Hold on.

- Get back.

- Give me that.

Hang on. Don't move.

There.

- Nick, wait.

- Right.

- Wanna go to my apartment?

- No, I can't. I can't.

I've thought about it. I really have.

But let's be realistic. I'm a single mom.

No, you're a sexy mama.

Do you know this whole time

we've been hanging out...

...you've never once asked me

about my kids?

- How they doing?

- I bet you don't remember their names.

Rudy and Theo?

Nick.

I think we should just be friends.

Next point wins. Let's go.

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