Ari Shaffir: Double Negative

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1

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you very much.

Hell yeah.

My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date.

Right? Yes. That's what I'm talking about.

Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date?

That's the future, everybody.

Remember when you were little,

you thought about the future?

What it was gonna look like.

You were wrong.

We were all wrong.

I thought it was gonna

look like Star Trek.

Not the space travel,

but everything else.

Everything would be clean,

all the people would be smart and classy.

Nope.

You know why? I figured it out.

White trash goes to the future, too.

And they're getting pregnant

off phone apps.

Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date?

Also, who gets pregnant at all,

by the way?

Enough, you guys. Enough. It's unoriginal.

Children are garbage.

If you have a kid, obviously,

obviously, I mean your kid, too.

They're all garbage.

You know it. You know they are.

You've seen them at their worst.

You know they are.

Ever see a kid run around,

and then be out of breath,

and then try to drink water?

They have no idea how to do it.

Watch them next time.

Watch them fail completely.

They come in like:

It's like, "Dude, you're 15, bro.

F*** is wrong with you?

You breathe in through the nose, idiot."

And they're bipolar,

they scream over nothing.

I was on a plane to Tampa, Florida

like a month ago.

And, uh, I was gonna

sleep the whole way, right?

Then a f***ing 2-year-old sat right

in front of me. "Motherf***er."

Nobody's happy about that.

Nobody, when you see a 2-year-old is like,

"Yeah." It's always, "Goddamn it."

Yeah, it's gonna ruin my trip.

Not this kid. Not this kid.

He was an angel, a little f***ing angel.

Slept the whole way. Couldn't believe it.

And then we landed.

The mom woke him up, you know.

"Casper. Casper." That was his name.

White kid. Obviously, a white kid.

Clearly, it's a white kid.

"Casper, honey, wake up."

Then Casper gets up and goes:

"Ah! Ah! No! I don't want to!

I don't want to go!"

It's like, "Dude, Casper, we're here.

It's a good thing.

Do you hate Tampa?"

I'm ten minutes away from

getting a vasectomy. I swear to God.

I think about it all the time.

If they were easier to get,

I'd have gotten one.

If they had vasectomies at 7-Eleven,

I'd have gotten, like, five.

My friends don't want me to.

"Don't get a vasectomy.

You crazy? What if

you want to have kids someday?"

And I'm like, "What day?"

When is this day coming?

I've hated children since I was 5.

Whatever, if I get a vasectomy,

and I change my mind,

and I want to have kids,

I can just adopt a kid.

I don't see why nobody thinks

that's an option.

What's wrong with adoption?

Why build a new team for the draft

when there's quality free agents

waiting to get picked up?

You know?

I know some people

are super against adoption.

Know somebody like that?

"No f***ing way. No way."

My one buddy is like that.

"Any kid for me must come from my genes.

A hundred percent, no matter what,

must come from my genes."

I'm like, "What are you, a king?

What are you talking about?"

This ain't Game of Thrones, idiot.

Just care for something.

Plus, hold on. Your genes?

Your father abandoned your family.

You dropped out of college.

And you're short, and you're bald.

You have horrible genes.

If you care about genes so much,

end the bloodline right now.

You ain't a doctor. You won't be missed.

Nothing wrong with adoption.

With adoption,

you can shop before you buy.

That's just smart, no? Huh?

Let's say I had a biological kid.

You had a biological kid.

And let's say for argument's sake that

he came out with big f***ing buck teeth.

Like two times the size of regular...

Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth.

You know, that's not a deal breaker.

Nobody in the world is gonna be like,

"I don't want to do this anymore."

You'd have to be a monster.

At the same time, nobody dreams about it.

Nobody's like,

"When I have a kid, I'll teach him

how to eat pizza from the ground up

to get around those."

If there's a high wind, I've got to hold

his shoulder or he'll fly away.

Family pictures you're like, "Smile with

your mouth closed. We talked about this.

F***ing buck-tooth motherf***er.

Ruining my goddamn dreams."

You don't got to worry about it

with an adopted kid.

With an adopted kid, you just go

into the human pound, you know.

You look around. All the kids come

to the front of their cages, I guess.

Pick me. Pick me. Please.

Please, please, please.

Please, please, please.

You're like,

"Kids, you're too needy.

Let me come to you."

And you see one shy kid

way in the back, you know.

You look up, he looks up at you.

"That might be him.

That might be my boy."

And you go over there all nervous.

"Hey, buddy.

What's your name?"

And he's like, "Peter."

"Hey, Peter. I'm Ari."

"So?"

"You want to go home today?"

"I don't know, maybe. What the f***?"

"I think I like you.

I think you're gonna be my son."

He's like, "Yeah, that'd be cool."

"All right. Are you happy about that?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Like, can you show me that

you're happy?" "What do you want?"

"I don't know, smile or something."

"I don't want to."

"Why? It feels good to smile.

Everyone likes to smile.

It works out more muscles in your mouth."

And he's like, "Okay."

"No! F***ing buck teeth.

Nice try, motherf***er.

You ain't ever getting out of here."

F***ing pregnant off a Tinder date.

She was in between

two different kinds of birth control.

So, they used a condom

but the condom broke.

And they got the morning after pill

the next day.

The Plan B pill, and it didn't take.

It doesn't always work. I know.

Yeah, when you hear that out loud,

you realize, like,

she's definitely...

a liar.

There's no way. There's no way.

Any one of those things

should have killed that baby.

There's no way all four didn't do it.

Is that sperm breaking tackles

like he's Emmitt Smith in his prime?

Nobody believes that.

And who's breaking condoms, by the way?

If you're breaking condoms,

you're f***ing wrong.

You're not 17 anymore. How are you...?

Are you just like:

"F***. I broke another one."

"I know. Slow down."

Why are you drilling?

There's no oil down there, bro.

F***ing kiss once in a while

or something.

They're not supposed to break.

One time when I was little,

I was 7, 8 years old,

uh, I found a condom, unused.

And, uh...

I didn't know what to do with it,

a 7-year-old.

I was still ten years away

from using condoms.

And, like, 15 years away

from no longer using condoms.

Condoms suck. Condoms suck.

You girls have no idea

how shitty they are.

Female privilege.

Never worn a condom.

That's female privilege.

Nobody ever talks about that.

Here's what condoms feel like,

so you know.

A condom feels like you're getting

a massage while wearing a winter coat.

Where you're like,

"I get what you're going for.

It doesn't feel unpleasant,

but some skin to skin contact

would help this a long way."

I found this condom. I didn't know what

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