Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #2

---

to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old.

What are you gonna do?

I made a water balloon out of it.

That's what kids do.

I made it big, too. I made it that big.

I tested the strength of this condom.

It was shaking when I wasn't touching it.

That's how f***ing full it was.

It was shaped like this:

It was sitting on my porch with

the molecules almost breaking through.

"What am I gonna do with it?

It's my masterpiece."

At the time, it was the best thing

I'd ever done in my life.

"What am I gonna do?"

I saw my buddy coming around the corner.

I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna

bean this motherf***er."

That's what this condom water balloon

was put on the Earth for.

To soak my buddy Aaron.

I picked it up, right?

He didn't see me.

He came around the corner.

I just hucked it at him

as hard as I could.

It just bounced off of him, fell down.

Bounced away. Didn't even break.

How are you breaking it with love thrusts?

You're f***ing wrong.

That's how you got pregnant

off a Tinder date.

I don't know, man. You got kids?

You don't? What'd you do, pull out?

Most effective method of birth control,

right there.

It's not a condom,

100 percent effective, pulling out.

Yeah, people don't believe me.

Pulling out is 100 percent effective.

It has never failed in 5000 years.

A hundred percent. You know what's

less effective than pulling out?

Barely pulling out.

That is considerably less effective.

If you pull out, and the first look

on your face is like:

Don't besmirch the good name

of pulling out

with shitty barely pulling out methods.

You should have to at least touch

your dick for a second before you cum.

You shouldn't pull out and go,

"Blah. There it is."

You should have to

do something to it.

F***ing pregnant off a Tinder date.

How do you explain that?

How will she explain that to her kid

when he's old enough?

When he's like,

"Mommy, where did I come from?"

What's she gonna say?

She'll be like, "Well, Tinderthy...

one day,

Mommy went to the App Store.

And then spent all afternoon just going:

'No, no, no. Good enough.'

And that's the story of you."

I wouldn't have a problem with kids

if parents didn't bring them

around too much.

That's my biggest issue.

I shouldn't see them all the time,

you know?

Most parents are cool about it,

but some just are not.

I went to Bonnaroo this year.

You guys ever go to Bonnaroo?

Yeah. It's great, right?

A giant music festival in Tennessee.

Four days of camping and music.

So much fun. So much fun.

But sometimes parents are there now,

and they bring their f***ing kids.

There are 3- and 4-year-old children

running around Bonnaroo.

And I want to be like,

"Hey. We're doing drugs.

Okay?

And on acid, your child is frightening.

He's looking into my soul,

and I don't care for what he sees.

He is a demon, and I will kill it.

I will kill the demon to protect

everyone else in this music festival.

Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna

be all right. I'm gonna kill that demon."

There are places you don't

bring your kid, a nice restaurant.

You ever go to a nice restaurant?

Save up 80 bucks per meal.

Go on a nice date.

Wear a button down shirt.

Try to get laid. Earn it.

You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs.

Tonight's the night.

Find the right place.

Places where as soon as you sit down,

they put your napkin on your lap for you.

Those places where you're like,

"That's slave sh*t.

Why are you doing that?

There's no reason for that."

I've never seen a Yelp review,

"I sat there like a schmuck,

my napkin on my table,

like an a**hole for like 40 minutes."

But it's nice. It's date night.

You'll take it. It's a good atmosphere.

And you sit down all happy,

you find the right place.

Two tables over, you just hear:

"No! I don't want to!

I don't want to!"

Some f***ing little kid.

Some little baby sitting there

in one of those handicapped chairs

they sit in.

Highchair, whatever you call it.

I don't care what you call it.

We don't sit in those.

We're not handicapped like that.

I'm like, "Why is he here?

For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste.

He's not even making memories."

Plus, his palate's not refined enough.

He doesn't understand the nuance

of this chef-inspired masterpiece.

He'd be happier...

I guarantee you, he'd be happier

with a banana I smushed with my foot.

He could see me do it,

and he would just go:

Ah.

He'd go, "Babana?"

I'm like, "That's right, buddy. Babana."

He'd rub a bunch of it in his face,

and get a bit in his mouth.

And be cute as f***.

Kids are cute. They're cute.

I'll give you that, if you have kids.

You got kids? You look like you do.

You don't have kids? How old are you?

- Thirty.

- Whoa, you look horrible for 30.

I thought you were like 57, man.

That's crazy.

It's the gray hair on the sides. Damn.

They're cute sometimes, kids.

And then they're instantly not cute.

Ever see them run around playing,

having a good time, then sh*t their pants.

They just sh*t themselves.

Everyone has to act like that's normal.

It's not. The smell is of sh*t.

I don't care how young they are,

that sh*t smell is still a sh*t smell.

The problem is when they sh*t themselves,

they have no gravity to them.

They don't like feel it at all.

They're like:

It's like... Right?

It's gonna come out of your pants, man.

Don't get me wrong. I sh*t myself.

I drink. Obviously, I sh*t myself.

But I do it every two years, you know.

And when I do it,

it registers as having sh*t myself.

I don't just keep going.

I tell my friends:

"I think I left the oven on or something.

I've got to go check that out.

Sorry, you guys.

I don't mean to cancel our plans."

I sh*t myself this year, to be honest.

Yeah. When I say every two years,

I mean a maximum of two years goes by.

I don't mean an average.

I mean the most

that has ever gone by is two years.

Yeah, it was in April.

For sure, I know when it was.

'Cause I was on a flight.

I was going to Australia. I sh*t...

Yeah, is there a good time

to sh*t yourself?

Are you ever like, "Wish I could sh*t

myself and get it out of the way."

Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight.

I was six hours into it,

and, uh, I went to pee.

You ever pee and then fart a little?

That's normal. Everybody does that.

Do girls do that?

No? Oh...

You're missing out. You've got to do that.

With girls,

it's even better because you clog it up.

So, like, it would make like

that tuba sound.

You could like move your leg and...

Kind of like Miles Davis with the

with the cup, you know, and the tuba.

You'd be like...

You know?

So, I was doing that,

I was peeing and farting.

Then all of a sudden I was like,

"Whoop. Oop."

But I was like,

"No, no, it was just a bubble."

I didn't want to believe it.

And then I went back to my seat.

I was sitting by the window,

so I had to make people get up.

"Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

Stand up. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me."

Then I sat down. As soon as I sat

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes