Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #3

---

down I was like, "Ahh. That's a problem."

The smush happened. Once the

smush happens, you can really feel it.

Yeah, I was like,

"F***. Get back up. Get back up.

We're not done. Get back up.

I thought I was done. I'm not done.

Sorry. Get back up. Get back up."

I had to run to the bathroom.

F***ing streaker right down

the middle of my underwear.

Yeah.

It was about that wide

and about that long.

It looked like a map

of the country of Chile.

Like a topographical map of Chile.

With the mountain ranges and everything.

I caught it.

It didn't soak through.

But the underwear,

the underwear could not be saved.

I had to throw out my underwear

in the trash can of the airplane bathroom.

Yeah, I took care of it myself,

like a grownup.

I handled the situation.

Maybe if I was in first class,

I could have been like:

"Hey, peasant.

F***ing deal with this for me."

But not in coach.

You have to handle it yourself.

You know what it's like

to have to smush that underwear

into that little f***ing hole

in the airplane bathroom trash can?

I was about to leave the bathroom.

Then I was like:

"Wait, hold on."

Right before I left, I took paper towels.

I put them on top of the underwear

in the trash, just to cover it up a bit.

I didn't want

the next guy coming.

I know what I would do.

If I threw something out,

and I saw soiled underwear

in the top level of the trash,

my first thought would be...

"Who did I just pass?"

I would spend the next seven hours

just going up and down the aisles,

just trying to, like, jog my memory.

Until I'm like, "Ah, ha, ha! You did it.

I know. I know what you did."

Yeah, you got to cover it up.

It's like if you kill a kid in the woods,

you've got to kick leaves on top of him.

F***ing pregnant off a Tinder date.

She told the guy, too.

She wasn't going to.

That was her plan.

She was gonna do it by herself.

She was like, "I barely know

his last name." Which seems fair.

Then she had a change of heart

after eight months.

Yeah, eight months and a week.

She goes, "Ari, he has a right to know."

And I'm like, "Yeah, a long time ago."

I feel like now he has the right

to never know.

So, she told him. She met him in a park.

This is what she said, her official quote.

She said he got "kind of weird about it."

Oh, yeah? Did he?

Did he get a little bit weird?

He got a little weird when he found out

he's gonna be a father next Tuesday?

He wasn't chillaxed at that news?

How did you want him to handle it?

From the guy's point of view,

what a gigantic change from

what you expect out of that phone call...

to what you end up with

out of that meeting.

If I get a call from a woman

I haven't seen in months,

my very first thought,

same as any guy in here,

our very first thought is like,

"Well, she wants that D.

I guess it's better than I thought it was.

I must have good dick.

She must have been

thinking about it this whole time.

She probably can't concentrate

at church, or at work, around her friends.

She just keeps thinking about that dick,

that dick, that dick.

Yeah, it's addictive, man. I get it."

Her friends are like,

"Where'd you go? You disappeared."

"Yeah. Thinking about that D."

Eventually, couldn't take it anymore.

You know, she got weak.

She fell to the hunger.

She broke down. She called.

And you know what?

She's gonna get that D.

That's my mindset,

if I walked into the park thinking that,

I'm all happy, you know?

And then I saw that?

I would do a quick check

of the seasons. I'd be...

No.

F***ing...

Game over.

How's that for not weird?

Enjoy picking up my brain matter.

Some people should have kids.

I sh*t on kids too much, parenthood.

Some people should have children.

Here's how you tell.

I've come up with a way to tell

whether you should be a parent.

The reaction of your friends when

you tell them you're gonna have a kid.

That's how you know

whether or not you should do it.

You know? 'Cause there are

two polar opposite ways that can happen.

Say you're married,

on one side, you're married.

You've been with a woman for a while.

You're doing better financially.

You discuss, want to have a kid. You try.

You get pregnant, tell your friends,

"Samantha's pregnant."

Your friends are like:

"F*** yeah, man. Congratulations.

I'm so happy for you. That's so cool."

That's one side.

If that's you, go for it.

You've got my blessing.

The other half of your friends,

they've been dating someone for a while.

They tell their friends,

"Hey, Margaret's pregnant."

And everybody goes, "F***.

Oh, no.

What are you gonna do?

Have you thought about killing her?

Don't do it. I watch those cop shows.

DNA is too good now, man.

One hair. One hair, they'll get you.

Hire somebody if you've got to do it."

For those people, for the people

getting pregnant off Tinder dates,

abortion is not just a right,

it's a responsibility.

They don't always do it though.

My friend Luis Gomez is one of those.

Comedian in New York.

Got his girlfriend pregnant.

Dating for two months.

I was like, "What are you gonna do?"

By the way, nobody asks

a married couple, "What are you gonna do?"

That is never a question

posed to a married couple.

I was going, "What are you gonna do?"

He goes, "I don't know.

I've thought about running away.

But I don't have money for gas,

so I guess we're gonna move in together."

F***. There's no in between on run away...

or move in together?

Seems like a giant unexplored territory

in the middle there.

He's like, "What do you mean?"

"How many months pregnant?"

He was like, "Two."

I'm like,

"Well, then you still have the receipt."

"For a small restocking fee,

you can return this."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking abortion. I mean abortion."

He had the kid. By the way,

here's a tip for you guys for life.

If you tell your friends

to get an abortion,

advise them to get an abortion,

and then they do not get an abortion...

they won't forget

that you told them to get an abortion.

Yeah, they hold onto that real hard.

Every time I see Luis

and his kid at a barbecue,

he's like holding him,

and I come in. He goes:

"Oh, there's your Uncle Ari.

He told us to get rid of you."

"Dude, stop saying that.

It was funny for a year,

but he's 7 now.

He's mad at me. He's giving me

this sign every time I see him. Stop."

Hey, do you guys...?

Let me ask you a question.

You guys all have jobs, right?

Or you've had jobs in the past at least?

Ever do your job on autopilot?

Not thinking about it?

Just going through the motions?

You know,

then if you're in a good mood,

you sing, or hum, or whistle?

Whistle while you work, that's a thing.

Everybody does that.

Whistle while you work.

Yeah. Very good,

you know what a whistle is.

Do you think...?

Do you think abortion doctors

whistle while they work?

I think they must. Not every day.

Obviously, not every day.

But I mean like Friday, 4:30.

They must be like:

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes